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Poll on disclosure

Polls on anything related to anything. Why not create your own poll?

Do you think its better to disclose your EA/PA to your SO?

Yes
9
24%
No
21
55%
Undecided
8
21%
 
Total votes: 38

MrSpock
Posts: 707
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by MrSpock » Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:33 am

Charm wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 12:53 am
she is definitely in the camp of Not Disclosing since it has less to do with honesty (sorry David) and more to do with the protection of feelings of your SO
It is much easier to dump (sorry for lack of a better word) your grief/guilt/remorse on SO than to deal with it alone -but in so doing you potentially unravel the the 30 plus years of friendship/love/trust etc - for what?
For what is worth, that is very precisely the reason I won't ever disclose to SO. Not even in the long future when we're old and wise(?).
It would surely help me, but at a gigantic cost to her. Like I said in the other thread on this topic, in my case, this is my own cross to bare because there isn't really anything in our marriage that would explain, justify, or have caused this. The space between us is one I put, so is not her fault.

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by Charm » Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:59 am

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:33 am
Charm wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 12:53 am
she is definitely in the camp of Not Disclosing since it has less to do with honesty (sorry David) and more to do with the protection of feelings of your SO
It is much easier to dump (sorry for lack of a better word) your grief/guilt/remorse on SO than to deal with it alone -but in so doing you potentially unravel the the 30 plus years of friendship/love/trust etc - for what?
For what is worth, that is very precisely the reason I won't ever disclose to SO. Not even in the long future when we're old and wise(?).
It would surely help me, but at a gigantic cost to her. Like I said in the other thread on this topic, in my case, this is my own cross to bare because there isn't really anything in our marriage that would explain, justify, or have caused this. The space between us is one I put, so is not her fault.
Exactly the same as me MrSpock!
So you are absolutely right each situation is unique - clearly ours is very simlar - DH had ZERO to do with this. Telling DH would be tantamount to telling my kids - completely unnecessary and psychologically/emotionally destructive
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

MrSpock
Posts: 707
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by MrSpock » Thu Sep 27, 2018 2:06 am

Charm wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:59 am
MrSpock wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 1:33 am
Charm wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 12:53 am
she is definitely in the camp of Not Disclosing since it has less to do with honesty (sorry David) and more to do with the protection of feelings of your SO
It is much easier to dump (sorry for lack of a better word) your grief/guilt/remorse on SO than to deal with it alone -but in so doing you potentially unravel the the 30 plus years of friendship/love/trust etc - for what?
For what is worth, that is very precisely the reason I won't ever disclose to SO. Not even in the long future when we're old and wise(?).
It would surely help me, but at a gigantic cost to her. Like I said in the other thread on this topic, in my case, this is my own cross to bare because there isn't really anything in our marriage that would explain, justify, or have caused this. The space between us is one I put, so is not her fault.
Exactly the same as me MrSpock!
So you are absolutely right each situation is unique - clearly ours is very simlar - DH had ZERO to do with this. Telling DH would be tantamount to telling my kids - completely unnecessary and psychologically/emotionally destructive
Exactly! "Like telling the kids" is a perfect analogy in my case.

Pierre
Posts: 69
Joined: Sat May 20, 2017 5:12 am
Sweden

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by Pierre » Thu Sep 27, 2018 5:36 am

Just to add to this. In a situation where my wife developed an intense, consuming crush, I believe I’d rather not know about it.

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David
Site Admin
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Location: London UK
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Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by David » Thu Sep 27, 2018 6:36 am

Interesting reading these responses. In my own situation we had been in MC for a year before my LE started. SO was resistant to owning her own stuff and remained defence throughout the process. Disclosing my L was the difference that made the difference.

Whilst I agree SO wasn't responsbile for my L, my marriage was not what I wanted it to be and SO was equally responsbile for that. Sometimes, it takes a sledgehammer to wake up the SO as to what they potentially risk loosing. And sometimes even that sledgehammer is not enough, or sometimes too much.

Another thought is battling addictions is tough and we need as much support as we can get. Having a SO that is empathetic and supports us with our struggle helps. Perhaps a one off affair is different to recent episodes of L. The latter may have more an addictive quality to it, the former less so.

There are no absolutes, just different strokes for different folks.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Coaching, Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by Charm » Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:14 am

Just wanted to add something re: this topic

Tonight SO mentioned what a unique couple we are in that we have built 30 years of trust and we have never wavered , we have never cheated.
Does anyone out there know what its like to hear that from someone you have betrayed and to stay silent? I cant tell you the feeling of nausea and fear and anxiety all rolled into one.

As a limerent who began with an EA which then progressed to a PA - the guilt is destroying me but I just cant - now more than ever after hearing his words - ever ever disclose. I seriously believe he will not cope with what happened and may be harmful to his health
YET not disclosing to him is harmful to my health
I choose to let myself suffer the consequence - im not trying to be a martyr - Im just not going to destroy my husband’s life for honesty or bringing us closer.
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Havb
Posts: 561
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
Saint-Martin (French part)

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by Havb » Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:15 am

I disclosed because I sensed (and I turned out to be right) that it would help keep me honest. It may seem self-serving, but in the end it is positive for my husband to know just exactly WHO he is married to--for better AND for worse. I did not have a PA, and the EA was entirely one-sided. I can't imagine not being able to confide in my husband. I also told because I knew I didn't want to leave my husband or have an affair or anything. It was a bit of a wake up call for him, too, as it helped us realize just how important regular sex is for us. I hate that I went limerent--still not sure if this latest thing with T is limerence or some kind of weird transference--but like David says, it is a flaw/addiction in us, and if it is appropriate, our SO should know to decide (1) if they want to stay with us through it; and (2)so that we don't have to hide in shame from the person whom we love. As a rape survivor, I've done enough hiding in shame. In fact, I sometimes wonder if limerence isn't some subconscious way to "let loose" unconscious urges to tell, to be real, to be me, to demand attention, to not hide (however misguided, of course).
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

Havb
Posts: 561
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
Saint-Martin (French part)

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by Havb » Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:17 am

Charm wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:14 am
Just wanted to add something re: this topic

Tonight SO mentioned what a unique couple we are in that we have built 30 years of trust and we have never wavered , we have never cheated.
Does anyone out there know what its like to hear that from someone you have betrayed and to stay silent? I cant tell you the feeling of nausea and fear and anxiety all rolled into one.

As a limerent who began with an EA which then progressed to a PA - the guilt is destroying me but I just cant - now more than ever after hearing his words - ever ever disclose. I seriously believe he will not cope with what happened and may be harmful to his health
YET not disclosing to him is harmful to my health
I choose to let myself suffer the consequence - im not trying to be a martyr - Im just not going to destroy my husband’s life for honesty or bringing us closer.
Charm, I would think that SO's remark is a wake up call to you. I hope it is helpful in keeping you strong, since you know your SO doesn't deserve the betrayal. I don't know if you intend to stay with your husband, but if you do, I would hope you consider counseling at some point (without having to reveal the PA).
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

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David
Site Admin
Posts: 3033
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
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Great Britain

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by David » Mon Oct 01, 2018 7:31 am

Charm wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:14 am
Just wanted to add something re: this topic

Tonight SO mentioned what a unique couple we are in that we have built 30 years of trust and we have never wavered , we have never cheated.
Does anyone out there know what its like to hear that from someone you have betrayed and to stay silent? I cant tell you the feeling of nausea and fear and anxiety all rolled into one.

As a limerent who began with an EA which then progressed to a PA - the guilt is destroying me but I just cant - now more than ever after hearing his words - ever ever disclose. I seriously believe he will not cope with what happened and may be harmful to his health
YET not disclosing to him is harmful to my health
I choose to let myself suffer the consequence - im not trying to be a martyr - Im just not going to destroy my husband’s life for honesty or bringing us closer.
Charm, your honesty and this post stayed with me yesterday. I was intrigued by your husband's comment. It brought up a few emotions that i reflected upon. My own baggage getting triggered. Because of my poor early life attachments i have accused SO more than once of being unfaithful. I used to live with pathological jealousy and relational insecurity which was wretched.

I wondered why would your husband would say such a thing? As much as i may think rationally that SO has never strayed, i will never know 100%. I wondered if it was some test on your SO's part - perhaps an opening for you to confess? I can't help but think that where there has been a betrayal, at an unconscious level its impossible to hide and the partner at some unconscious level picks this up.

Each person has to decide for themselves the way forward. As devastating as disclosing my limerence was, i am pleased i did. It changed our marriage for the better. I now live with much more inner calm. And I am aware SO was far more securely attached and able to appreciate we as humans can fall in love/lust with another whilst married. It was my timing she was more angry about. It means i can be totally honest with SO about my addictive tendencies that i have to grapple with. I also bring it into sessions when working with clients that grapple with their own addictions. It helps them know I can empathise with their own struggles.

I would suggest that if anyone is going to disclose, to get into therapy first and grow your own self awareness.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Coaching, Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Poll on disclosure

Post by Charm » Wed Oct 03, 2018 11:22 am

Thanks David for insight
I plan to try and move forward without disclosure - big change occurred yesterday
Will post new topic to inform everyone.
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

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