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When there is no escape

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When there is no escape

Post by sam » Sun Sep 16, 2018 4:15 pm

Hi All,

I am glad to have found this group. I am not sure if what is happening can truly be defined as limerence as my feelings are unrequited, but I am at my wit’s end (not sleeping, no appetite, unable to focus on anything else)..

I have been unhappy and anxious for some time. I am married to a wonderful person but we are ill matched in many ways — our sex life is non-existent and while we have a strong friendship, we coexist more like roommates than husband and wife. We have been trying unsuccessfully to have a kid. He struggles a bit with pot addiction and could be more productive. I work more hours than him and always feel like I need to push him to get stuff done. We do not share the same drive for sex, travel or sucking the marrow out of life. He is much more content to stay at home and watch Netflix.

Enter R. I work in a tech company and we are on a small team. He started near the beginning of the year. He is brilliant, driven and he listens. He is my type physically and I feel a stong attraction for him. We have developed a solid friendship — he opens up about his anxieties regarding our work environment and things that bug him at home. I never really wanted any actual sort of romantic relationship since we are both married, but I have a strong desire for him to just return my feelings/ find me attractive. We like different things. He is into sports—cycling, especially.

I think about him constantly. At first I thought this could be ok and that I could sublimate my feelings into productivity. It hasn’t worked out. I find myself terribly jealous of other women. I have become a person I do not like. I am obsessive and jealous and I have a strong compulsion to research the hell out of any “competition.”

We have a new girl starting tomorrow. She’s a knockout (I am not), 10 years younger, but most importantly, she shares many of his interests — cycling, football, baseball, dogs. I feel like I am the beginning of a very predictable story. There is no way he will not find her attractive— she seems like she could be his dream girl. My seat will likely sit between them.

I am always working with R. We partner on all projects. I cannot avoid him— the only way to do so will be to leave the company. I am going to work on looking for a new job, but it will likely take some time. I do not know how I am going to face this day after day. I can’t help already comparing myself to this beautiful woman who has much more to offer him in terms of experience, passion and kinship.

Thank you for letting me tell my story. If anyone has had a similar situation (no escape) and has any coping techniques, I would be extremely grateful.

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Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: When there is no escape

Post by Acrobatica » Sun Sep 16, 2018 4:40 pm

Dear Sam:

It sounds like limerence to me. Most limerence is unrequited - thus the pain of it. In some of the stories here the interest was returned, but not fully and openly. The obsessive thoughts, the bizarre jealousy, the feeling that you just could not stand another person to get what you can't, that all sounds like limerence.

Welcome to the forum. It can be especially tough when you work with LO every day and so cannot avoid them. Many here are in that position.

Keep posting. Keep sharing. Wishing you peace.


Posts: 501
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
United States of America

Re: When there is no escape

Post by ReeledIn » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:14 pm

Welcome, Sam!

I know your struggle. I started this thread last week for people in workplace LEs. Feel free to post there.

I know exactly how you feel. It sounds like your marriage needs some resuscitation. That is possible if you are willing ro put your focus there. This LO is merely a distraction..

Hang in there!
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:

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