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Who initiates sex?

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Who initiates sex?

Im a male and never initiate sex
0
No votes
Im a male and sometimes initiate sex
2
8%
Im a male and often initiate sex
4
17%
Im a male and always initiate sex
4
17%
Im a female and never initiate sex
2
8%
Im a female and sometimes initiate sex
6
25%
Im a female and often initiate sex
3
13%
Im a female and always initiate sex
3
13%
 
Total votes: 24

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David
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Who initiates sex?

Post by David » Sun Sep 16, 2018 9:01 am

Be thinking about this as have a number of male clients that never initiate sex.

The poll is designed for hetero couples, im not sure how things are different in gay relationships, id be interested to read of any experiences, striaght or gay.

Id be really interested to hear from females in a LTR where their partner is the lower desire and how this plays out.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Charm
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by Charm » Sun Sep 16, 2018 2:06 pm

Ive struggled with what going on with me david when it comes to this
Because in 30 yrs of marriage I never intiate sex DH always does yet with LO i have been insatiable and always suggest/initiate etc.
(we have only once but I would have more times if the circumstance/environment allowed me to be more free.
In fact if it wasnt for me initiating this whole LE may have stayed as a flirtatious experience
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Maddie
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by Maddie » Sun Sep 16, 2018 3:23 pm

I was just thinking about this last night, and feeling a bit resentful, as I usually initiate with SO. It didn't used to be this way. Is it that one person in the LTR is always more desiring of sex vs the other? I ask bc he used to be the initiator, I often declined back then. My desire really sank for a period of time after kids were born. But now, tables have turned....
I just initiate and try my best not to get angry about this or feel rejected.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

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David
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by David » Sun Sep 16, 2018 4:17 pm

Maddie wrote:
Sun Sep 16, 2018 3:23 pm
I was just thinking about this last night, and feeling a bit resentful, as I usually initiate with SO. It didn't used to be this way. Is it that one person in the LTR is always more desiring of sex vs the other? I ask bc he used to be the initiator, I often declined back then. My desire really sank for a period of time after kids were born. But now, tables have turned....
I just initiate and try my best not to get angry about this or feel rejected.
I wonder if part of this issue is about power and control? The lower desire partner controls the sex. Often where one person has built up resentments in the relationship, they withold sex as a way of punishing their partner. A lot of this is unconscious.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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David
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by David » Mon Sep 17, 2018 2:37 pm

bumping up
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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mamasita
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by mamasita » Mon Sep 17, 2018 2:48 pm

My DH used to initiate sex more for the first couple of years, and then for many years I was the only one initiating.
Now its even, we both initiate once or twice a week. It feels much more balanced & free now. No one doing it because they have to, and both of us doing it because we want to. :)

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David
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by David » Mon Sep 17, 2018 4:19 pm

mamasita wrote:
Mon Sep 17, 2018 2:48 pm
My DH used to initiate sex more for the first couple of years, and then for many years I was the only one initiating.
Now its even, we both initiate once or twice a week. It feels much more balanced & free now. No one doing it because they have to, and both of us doing it because we want to. :)
sounds very healthy
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Maddie
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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by Maddie » Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:39 am

I am so tired of being the initiator! I guess I'm to have an honest convo with SO about that very fact. With LO, just felt good to be pursued.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by mamasita » Thu Oct 04, 2018 3:01 pm

Maddie wrote:
Thu Oct 04, 2018 1:39 am
I am so tired of being the initiator! I guess I'm to have an honest convo with SO about that very fact. With LO, just felt good to be pursued.
Necessary conversation to have. That was my marriage for the first 10-12 years. We argued about it all the time. I couldn't understand why my DH stopped pursuing me but I had no evidence of an affair. It makes you feel the the lowest of the low when the man you love doesn't seem like they really want to make love to you. =((

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Re: Who initiates sex?

Post by Endgame » Thu Oct 04, 2018 3:35 pm

Agree about subconscious power and control.

I very rarely initiate despite telling myself I do and that SO should interpret the signs and is just wilfully ignoring them. In reality I'm expecting him to be a mind reader or, worse, withholding in order to fulfil some double pronged purpose of victim complex (I can resent him) and punishing both he/myself simultaneously. Also ties in to submissive/dominant fantasies to a point, I think.

Whatever the basis. It's daft. Nobody wins. And has improved vastly with increased competition...I find not withholding power over simple things like making cups of tea knocks on to not withholding in the bedroom. Usually.

Have to say I've never come across a male who didn't initiate. That could be personal preference.

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