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Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

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Lim
Posts: 92
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 7:54 pm
United States of America

Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

Post by Lim » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:38 pm

I just learned about this concept and I’m wondering if sex/relationship anxiety and avoidance is part of my limerence for way older, unavailable people. I feel very abnormal in my stubburn resistance to sex and dating despite having opportunities to do both.

i'm almost 22 and I’ve never had sex or even a boyfriend. I’ve kissed three times (all random people I met when "out").

It’s not like I’m super religious. Nor am I embarrassed about my body. I know I’m attractive and have had many guys compliment and hit on me and even ask me out on dates.

Even though I really crave attention from men, and often dress with men in mind, I compulsively avoid getting close to them, physically or otherwise. It’s weird because I know I’m “desirable,” to look at at least, but my social anxiety and inexperience makes me so embarrassed that I back away immediately. I feel like men expect so much more from me than I know how to give.

Part of it is being really into studying and independent pursuits (and going to an all girls school my whole life and then a women’s college). Also, my antidepressants aren’t doing much for my sex drive.

Part of it is probably that, even though I said I’d never had sex, I did have one bad non-consensual sexual experience. Perhaps that experience is influencing my fear of sex and dating but it seems to have started long before this and seems to me to be more about my anxiety and embarrassment about not knowing what to do and being bad in bed or a bad kisser. This is so humiliating to me!

As a side note, can anyone describe honestly what it’s like from the other side? Being with someone inexperienced?

I don’t know if what I need is more practice or some time alone to work out my issues. I find myself increasingly craving male attention. At the same time every time I go to a bar or club or school dance I find myself bored at best and uncomfortable, embarrassed and ashamed at worst (unless I’m really really drunk). I can’t loosen up enough to dance or enjoy myself and I feel like I’m wasting away my youth.

What I really want to do I think is continue to avoid relationships and just focus on books and movies and getting into grad school and hopefully making some good female friends. But this could go on for years and years and I’m already 21! No one wants to date a 30 year old virgin!
Last edited by Lim on Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:55 pm, edited 10 times in total.
I’m a 21 year old female (single).
My LO is a 54 year old male (married w/ kids).

Acrobatica
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Re: Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

Post by Acrobatica » Sat Sep 15, 2018 8:32 pm

Lim. I wonder too about a lot of what you write. At your age I felt very similarly, somewhat terrified of men and sex. I didn’t have your confidence, however, that I was attractive to men.

Speaking from a position of more maturity, skill in the bedroom is not what most people are thinking about when they are attracted to someone. Most people are happy to have someone just as fumbly as them, or to teach and share what they know in that department. So please don’t be concerned that your inexperience is something that others see as a detriment.

But at your age, I was also wanting to lose my virginity because I was curious. This led to a few not so ideal sexual experiences where I was more concerned with having sex than actually enjoying being with the person I was with. I can’t change the past, and I don’t exactly regret those experiences, but they were not ideal.

Know that you are beautiful and desirable to the right set of people, and that sex is more about sharing intimacy than it is about skill. Wishing you relaxation and fun the next time you go dancing!!

Natslife
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Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

Post by Natslife » Sat Sep 15, 2018 9:15 pm

Lim wrote:
Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:38 pm
No one wants to date a 30 year old virgin!
Are you kidding me??! I have a ton of male friends and someone like that is like UTOPIA for them!!!! My best guy friend married a 32 year old virgin. He has said to me many times over the years he felt like he hit the jackpot!

That said though, it seems to me that you have an extreme fear of physical connection to someone. I have no idea where the root of it has come from, but I think you are massively overthinking this and building it up in your head to be this huge thing which puts even more pressure on you.

So you're a 21 year old virgin? No big deal! Better to be where you are now than have had a series of crappy experiences with shitty men! :)

Definitely get some therapy to figure out where your extreme anxiety is coming from. But beyond that - what's the great rush? You're 21! I didn't get married till 30 and I think that was young! So you haven't met anyone you want to get with yet - and you think you're the problem? Maybe you just haven't met anyone worthy of you?! Relax, get yourself some therapy and enjoy being a 21 year old virgin! The man you eventually meet who is going to set things off in you you have never felt before is going to be a lucky man indeed! Based on everything you have written, the only thing wrong with you seems to be this anxiety. Everything else you describe is pretty normal! Don't beat yourself up too much. Figure out your anxiety and you will be fine :ymhug:

Oh! And to add - experience from the "other side"?! Confession: my husband is the WORST KISSER EVER!!!! I mean, AWFUL! Trust me - you could NOT be any worse than him! But I've been married to him 16 years now! I wish he was a better kisser. Sometimes, when he makes a monumental effort, it's not too bad! But there are so many other things that make him amazing, the kissing is something I just live with. In the scheme of things, there are other so many more important things in a long term relationship! Sex too - I've had better, I'll admit! But when you are with the right person, as acrobatica said, it's not about technique, it's about shared intimacy.THAT'S what creates a lasting bond. Not being able to twist yourself like a pretzel!

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Name
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Re: Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

Post by Name » Sat Sep 15, 2018 9:47 pm

You'll be fine. Many men covet virginity, and your supposition that they want an experienced partner is probably projection on your part.

I had the same thing. I had an opportunity to do something with my LO at your age, but I balked because I put so much portent onto her and the situation. I kicked myself for not having the balls to do anything, and then henceforth made it my mission to become promiscuous and sexually confident. Relinquishing that puerile feeling of naive sanctimony shifted me to a more nihilistic, redder-pilled perspective. For this reason I think the 'player' archetype in men is often brought about by broken hearts.

My current girlfriend was a virgin when we met, and she shared some similar feelings and worries with you. I always thought it was easier for women, because we men are mostly expected to lead, take charge and not be awkward, whereas you just kinda have to lie there and be agreeable, idk. She is also very beautiful, and so I think that her knowledge of her desirability made sex seem cloying and cheap to her. It's more difficult for most men to get sex, and that's one reason why we are much more motivated to pursue it.

Anyway, I think you should find someone who you are very comfortable with to experiment, otherwise you'll get into a loop (I'm guessing Ni-Fi?) about it. Or not; it doesn't really matter. Men don't really care and I don't believe there is any great pressure on you. I know that you want your coupling with your LO to be very special, and if that is the case then you should tackle your insecurities head on (if you intend to pursue him). But he might actually be more likely to hold you in high regard if he was to be made aware of your virginity. Men want to feel special and loved by their partner, and if she has no relationship history then there is no competition insecurity. Imagine if you had never tried candy and then you had your first Snickers or whatever; the Snickers could feel very confident that you were enjoying them deeply, because he wouldn't have to stress about all the m&ms and Butterfingers making you numb and desensitised to chocolate. He would be your favourite by default, and that feels great.
23M

townshend
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Re: Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

Post by townshend » Sun Sep 16, 2018 2:08 am

Pretty much same Lim. It’s fear of emotional connection, closeness mostly I feel like. And also this thing of fear of failure/rejection, if you don’t try or make up an excuse to do the rejection yourself then you don’t risk either. Making the most unavailable, old married man my LO plays into that. If he were the exact same man but my age and single I’d probably be over it sooner and really make an excuse to stay at a distance if he showed interest.
Then I think this plays into limerence even more ecause were so walled up from relationships/connections, etc so we pick this LO and project allthat repressed stuff onto them...just making it that much worse.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

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Lim
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Re: Sex/relationship avoidance and inexperience

Post by Lim » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:08 pm

Thank you everyone for all the replies. I know I probably sound a little silly and melodramatic, especially to people older than me. I see now how ridiculous some of this is. I’m reality I have SO MUCH going for me and my problems are quite minor. Writing them out helps me put them in perspective.

Anyway, I can’t tell you all how grateful I am for your advice and for taking me seriously. You could easily have made fun of me or written me off as a melodramatic teenager but you didn’t. It’s honestly so kind! I can’t really talk to my parents or other adults about most things but I do want adult advice. Therapy is good but I feel sometimes like my therapist doesn’t give me the kind of honest, real-life, practical advice and insight that I’d like.

I feel so much calmer now.

I think I plan on not going to clubs/bars/dances anymore unless I actually want to. I’m going to make time to go to more live concerts with music that I actually like. And start meeting guys in different places — lectures, concerts, volunteering, things I’m actually interested in and that aren’t focused entirely on sex. I feel like I just need to get to know and trust someone before getting intimate. And that’s super normal!

Thanks again. Best wishes to all of you.
I’m a 21 year old female (single).
My LO is a 54 year old male (married w/ kids).

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