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S.O.S.

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Havb
Posts: 489
Joined: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:10 am
Saint-Martin (French part)

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Havb » Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:00 pm

Pandora wrote:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 9:01 pm
That sounds like pure hell, the attention bombing followed by the silence. The last time that happened to me I was on tenderhooks waiting for my LO to contact me again. I was so wrapped up in it, and I started getting really angry and resentful that he wasn't contacting me. I realized that, subconsciously, I thought he owed me his time and attention because I was giving so much of myself to obsessing over him. I thought 'Wait, that isn't fair. He didn't ask you to obsess over him. He doesn't owe you jack shit.' I'd like to say that it fixed my limerent brain, instead I just felt more ashamed of my fixation.

Anyway, it's a long winded way of saying I know exactly how your brain is spinning! I wish there was an easy fix for it. Until we discover that, have some hugs and empathy :ymhug:
Perfectly said, Pandora.

I have been there too, and it IS really hard. Try to get other support (friends, family) and to do something fun.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

Natslife
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:21 pm

Woke up this morning feeling much better. Thank you all SO much for sitting with me through my madness yesterday! I got text-bombed again last night after my last post. But this time I was prepared for it and kind of knew what was coming and how I was going to feel. So when it started I was on the phone to my best friend, and we just kept me distracted so I answered some texts that were questions politely, and just left the rest. Eventually he gave up. Today I am insanely busy at a sports event, so that is going to keep me distracted all day. It's a temporary solution I know, because I can't distract myself 24/7 - but it will at least give me some time and distance from yesterday while I rethink things and figure out a strategy going forwards so I don't react so extremely the way I was yesterday. Sounds stupid, but it helps to visualize myself as a ship, and I'm going through these waters, and the currents are coming at me, the weather is hitting me, I'm getting pulled this way and that, and I just keep the ship steady and make adjustments as necessary no matter what gets thrown at me. I don't react or panic or overcorrect. Visualizing that seems to help keep me more steady. Whatever works, I guess! :)

Pandora
Posts: 82
Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:29 pm
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Pandora » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:39 pm

Natslife, your visualization is awesome! And kudos on keeping steady while getting text bombed. You are awesome!
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Charm » Sun Sep 16, 2018 5:32 pm

Natslife wrote:
Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:21 pm
Woke up this morning feeling much better. Thank you all SO much for sitting with me through my madness yesterday! I got text-bombed again last night after my last post. But this time I was prepared for it and kind of knew what was coming and how I was going to feel. So when it started I was on the phone to my best friend, and we just kept me distracted so I answered some texts that were questions politely, and just left the rest. Eventually he gave up. Today I am insanely busy at a sports event, so that is going to keep me distracted all day. It's a temporary solution I know, because I can't distract myself 24/7 - but it will at least give me some time and distance from yesterday while I rethink things and figure out a strategy going forwards so I don't react so extremely the way I was yesterday. Sounds stupid, but it helps to visualize myself as a ship, and I'm going through these waters, and the currents are coming at me, the weather is hitting me, I'm getting pulled this way and that, and I just keep the ship steady and make adjustments as necessary no matter what gets thrown at me. I don't react or panic or overcorrect. Visualizing that seems to help keep me more steady. Whatever works, I guess! :)
Your using thus method (unconsciously ) which I also have been using and it helps a lot

https://portlandpsychotherapyclinic.com ... ope-urges/
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

ReeledIn
Posts: 501
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by ReeledIn » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:47 pm

Nats, I like the article on urges, but I have different perspective on whether or not this "friendship" can actually withstand the test of time. Isn't it true that you actually want more from this person? Do you think that will ever actually change? He is supplying you with dopamine and as with any "drug" it's been proven time and time again that the only true "cure" to a drug addiction is abstinence.

Having said that, sometimes "crushes" subside...and I had a "crush" that subsided about 5 yrs ago and remained friends with the guy with absolutely no dopamine or longing...so it's possible depending on the level of obsession, I suppose.

Any chance this guy needs you for ego-stroking supply? If so, is that what you want? (To be someone's source of supply?) Don't you deserve better from you friends?
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Natslife
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:18 am

Reeled in.

Wow. OK. I read what you said. My first reaction was instant defense mode. Then I realized that you had the true measure of me. And I wondered how you got it so right. So I just went back and read your story via your link. And holy shit. You've been there, haven't you? Every freaking step of the way. You went further than I have. But the signs are all there and I am halfway down the same road you were on.

Because yes. I DO want more. We are both holding ourselves back. Do I think it will change? God, I HOPE so. I am trying really hard (and failing so far) to get over him. But I am in love with him. Or think I am. Will this friendship stand the test of time? Well, it's been 4 years so far. But if I am completely honest - only because I have had zero boundaries and let him behave like a total asshole at times and get away with it. Is he using me as an ego stroke? Yes. Almost certainly. I could predict that if we do wind up going as far as you did, the end result is most likely to be the same. Ultimately, he would drop me from a great height. AFTER he's had some fun with me. Some of the things you say have been said to you have been said to me too.

Please - help me to get through this so I don't wind up where you are now. What would you do differently if you could go back again to where you are "friends" but nothing has yet happened? I need an interception! How do I keep reminding myself that everything he is saying to me is BS, when whenever I look at him all rational thought goes out the window!

ReeledIn
Posts: 501
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Sep 17, 2018 6:00 am

Nats..I admire your honesty. I am not sure I could've been so honest while on dopamine. ;) I do wonder how different things would've been for me if I had found this forum before disclosure, or at least prior to the PA.

If I could go backward, I would follow my very first instinct and see him for what he really is ..a player and a manipulator. (Yours too?) I would then do what I always do with players...stay the hell away and cut myself off as quickly as possible. I don't like being friends with players because I can't stand idolly by and listen to their mysoginistic BS. (LO used to confide in me all of his true thoughts about every woman we work with....according to him they are all in love with him. :ymsick: )

I do not believe in friendships with LO's (at least not while the LS is still in LE), which is why I told mine I could never be his friend and to stop asking me for that (especially after he pursued me for so long and then pressured me for sex.) A real friend doesn't have ulterior motives...that's not friendship.

All I can say is listen to that gut of yours and stop ignoring every red flag he is putting out there. He sounds like a tortured soul...a soul that no one can save but himself, but he probably won't.

You could also try remembering probably the most painful thing my LO said to me during the "devaluation" stage (immediately following the PA when he decided to withhold affection and revert us back to friend status) ...he said, "I value your friendship more than your love." (Mind you, I never used the word love...so he was being presumptuous per usual).

Imagine how it would feel to hear those words after a month or 2 of physical intimacy.

In a real, 2-way, adult, loving relationship. ...things just aren't this roller coaster-y or heart breaking. I know because I've had both kinds of relationships. I will now take "smooth sailing" any day of the week.

Hang in there. You've got this. :ymhug:
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

ReeledIn
Posts: 501
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Sep 17, 2018 1:24 pm

And speaking of red flags....here is a good list of them..Unfortunately I ignored all of them and wound up at #30....drained and at the end of my rope....a shell of my former self.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles ... eople.212/
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Natslife
Posts: 49
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:24 am
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by Natslife » Mon Sep 17, 2018 6:56 pm

Thanks so much ReeledIn. It really REALLY helps to be able to chat with someone who really does get it, and has been there!

I've thought hard about your question - is he a player and a manipulator? Honestly - and I have ZERO problem with seeing things as they really are because it actually helps! - I DON'T think he is a player and a manipulator. Definitely not compared to your LO. Not even close. The reasons I believe that after several years of careful consideration are that he has never done anything like this before and I believe him when he says that. I believe him because I see the struggle in him. His hot and cold behavior towards me is not so much about manipulating me, it's more about his guilt about the way he feels (he's married too). His reactions to when he says and does things are not the reactions of a player, someone used to this who doesn't care. He has massive anxiety and guilt over just holding my hand! He also has NEVER pressured me for sex. He has talked a lot about how he would LIKE to sleep with me. He has fantasized about it. Talked about how if it ever happens it is going to be in a nice hotel room, etc etc. He has it all pictured. However - I don't see him ever being able to go through with it. He said to me not so long ago the one consolation he has in all this is that, although he has all these feelings for me that he feels really guilty about, at least he is not an adulterer. Those were his exact words.

All that said though - he is the type of guy that has a lot of "female friends" and I suspect more than one of them are into him. He definitely is the sort that needs and enjoys the ego boost.He can be a flirt, and encourages attention. So he is "that" type. He's told me about "near-miss" situations he has found himself in over the years where some woman would come on to him at a conference or something, and he would manage to walk away, and for the first 5 minutes he would think "DAMN!!!!" but then he would feel good about himself for not doing anything. He is EXTREMELY selfish. He runs around handling the situation in whatever way suits him with zero consideration given to how it might affect me. So for example at one point he was pushing me to be friends with his wife. He was trying to normalize things and feel better in his own mind that I am "their" friend. Of COURSE I didn't want to be friends with her!!!! Aside from the fact that we have nothing in common, how uncomfortable would that be, knowing that her husband has told me he is crazy about me! And then I have to sit and make polite conversation with her over coffee??! No way!

The furthest we have gone in 3 years now since admitting feelings, is a kiss the last two NYEs, and a cuddle up on the sofa one time while watching a movie together. He hugs me a lot, and for longer than is really necessary. He holds my hand at times over coffee, or going in the car somewhere. We text pretty much every day. He calls very often. We are both into hiking and take short walks together at least 3-4 times a week, which is when we talk and talk and talk and put the world to rights, and that was how we became so close (we met on a hike). He tells me he is crazy about me, that he has never felt this way about someone ever in his life. He is happily married (so he says) and his family is "everything to him" and if anyone ever knew how he felt about me it would be devastating to everyone involved. But he tells me if we were both single, he would be camped on my doorstep. We love spending time together, so we take every opportunity we can for coffee, or lunch, or just hanging out. And that really is the extent of our relationship. To the outside world, and both our families, it simply looks like we are great buddies. Only he and I know how we really feel about each other. And so far, we have kept ourselves under control for the most part, NYE notwithstanding.

What makes this so hard is knowing he feels the same way about me as I do about him, and not being able to do anything about it. Painful words? After I admitted I was in love with him, he said "This is never going to go anywhere. I'll never leave her." OK then. So I step away. Only to then have him come after me proclaiming he loves me too. And this push and pull has been going on years now. The more time we spend together, the more in love I (we?) feel. And yet we can do nothing about it, but this friendship is so important to both of us, lonely souls as we are, that have found each other and have this incredible trust in each other.

So that's where I am in all this. Sometimes he says one day it might just "happen" and we wind up sleeping together. But I think that ship has sailed now. I've gone beyond the point where I think I could let that happen. Now I'm just hooked on the attention and the affection I get from him, and crash down every time there is a withdrawal.

ReeledIn
Posts: 501
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: S.O.S.

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Sep 17, 2018 8:40 pm

Well...it sounds like he actually has a conscience. That's refreshing..;) (Mine has merely a mini-conscience if u can call it that.). And the fact that he is being so direct with you is good...that he has outright told you he will never leave. That is good.

AVOID SEX AT ALL COSTS if you are like me and get emotionally attached after sex. I could not believe just how scummy I felt after having sex with LO after only having sex with one man for the previous 19 years...especially since he said, "you're gonna feel weird now," right afterward, as if it was just some sort of transaction.

I do believe men's brains change after sex. Once they get what they want a few times...it's no longer as exciting (especially in these high intensity, secret situations).

I am surprised his wife isn't suspicious yet.

I hope he realizes that he IS actually in an affair...an emotional affair..which many wives view as worse than a physical affair. (Just ask NVTS).

I would try to remember that this soul matey connection is not real. The secrecy fuels the fire on that. Fine,. if you were both single, then you'd be dating...but ur not dating and won't ever be. If there is any way you can possibly go NC...I do believe that'sthe only way you can get over this....I know you probably won't. ..but I just don't see any other way. You have passed the friendship line. This is not a friendship in my book. Friendships don't include romance.


.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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