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reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

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L-F
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reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by L-F » Tue Sep 11, 2018 5:52 pm

Was pondering as I do, about what exactly reciprocated limerence is.

Limerence per se is a delusional thought pattern where the person believes they are in love. Constant obsessive thoughts regarding their object of desire (projected love of sorts).

And then there are affairs where one or both (depends on the obsessive component) enter the relationship to get their sexual and emotional needs met. But this does not mean they are limerent.

I don't view affairs as such as being reciprocated limerence unless BOTH have obsessive thoughts about the other. So in this sense, it doesn't even have to get physical.

Often one person will move on, while the other remains stuck. So even if the relationship was consummated, it still wasn't reciprocated limerence in this regard. If it was reciprocated limerence both would not be able to move on and would end up having an on-again off-again affair, most likely.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

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CrushedSO
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:05 pm

I disagree!

What drove the insane obsession for me was that although LO was equally into me, there was still the barrier to our happily-ever-after ending. The barrier was obviously my family and marriage. I think unrequited limerence and reciprocated limerence have this in common. The unrequited limerent has the huge barrier of LO not reciprocating which drives the obsession through the wall. I’ve had both in life and the torment of limerence is terrible in both, however the consequences of having an affair and destroying one’s family are much more severe than when I was single and went limerent for an ex-girlfriend. I also didn’t have the crushing guilt in the unrequited limerence because I was single. Both were very painful and they both suck.

I don’t ever want experience either again. Both were ultimately the inner torment of childish me wanting what I couldn’t have.

MetsFan
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by MetsFan » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:09 pm

I read that 5% of the population suffer from Limerence, which if true makes mutual limerence statistically unlikely. I do think there’s a strong chance of one Limerent and the LO having feelings for / being in love with / sexually attracted. Indeed the LO often shows some signs of one of those because it’s that which creates the uncertainty. But it’s probably not mutual limerence.

L-F
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by L-F » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:24 pm

MetsFan wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:09 pm
I read that 5% of the population suffer from Limerence, which if true makes mutual limerence statistically unlikely. I do think there’s a strong chance of one Limerent and the LO having feelings for / being in love with / sexually attracted. Indeed the LO often shows some signs of one of those because it’s that which creates the uncertainty. But it’s probably not mutual limerence.
I'm of the same thoughts because, now this is my own theory, we cannot know unless it is disclosed. In other words, we literally cannot read minds.

I know LO might have been interested but I have no clue if she was limerent. She did not disclose this.

Also, the gardener and young lass who was jockeying for my attention, are not necessarily LS unless they disclose. If anything, it could be that they actually like being in my company as opposed to being limerent.

Limerence is about being 'obsessed' and not merely being in lust or love imo.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

Havb
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by Havb » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:28 pm

I don’t know if “technically” limerence is simply being obsessed, but my view is that simply being obsessed (as I am atm) is an indicator of huge things amiss.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

There is always more work to be done.

mamasita
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by mamasita » Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:58 pm

I agree LF! Reciprocated limerence says to me that both people are limerent for each other. But if that were the case, they would likely just have an affair. There is no way that if both felt this level of intensity, that they wouldn't act on it. I also think this would be extremely rare. I would guess that 99% of the time, a limerent person is limerent for someone who may like them okay, but they do not obsess, ruminate, have highs and lows in the way that the LS does.
Not that it matters, but I never wanted LO to be limerent for me. I just wanted him to reciprocate by letting me be in his presence for a day or two or whatever he would give me. Of course, I am not entitled to that, and I have to remind myself that he isn't mine to use. He is a person with needs and desires of his own. :-s

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CrushedSO
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:45 pm

mamasita wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:58 pm
I agree LF! Reciprocated limerence says to me that both people are limerent for each other. But if that were the case, they would likely just have an affair. There is no way that if both felt this level of intensity, that they wouldn't act on it. I also think this would be extremely rare. I would guess that 99% of the time, a limerent person is limerent for someone who may like them okay, but they do not obsess, ruminate, have highs and lows in the way that the LS does.
Not that it matters, but I never wanted LO to be limerent for me. I just wanted him to reciprocate by letting me be in his presence for a day or two or whatever he would give me. Of course, I am not entitled to that, and I have to remind myself that he isn't mine to use. He is a person with needs and desires of his own. :-s
Do you guys think the intensity lessens and the obsession dies down once the affair starts?

Pandora
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by Pandora » Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:54 pm

L-F wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 5:52 pm
Was pondering as I do, about what exactly reciprocated limerence is.

Limerence per se is a delusional thought pattern where the person believes they are in love. Constant obsessive thoughts regarding their object of desire (projected love of sorts).

And then there are affairs where one or both (depends on the obsessive component) enter the relationship to get their sexual and emotional needs met. But this does not mean they are limerent.

I don't view affairs as such as being reciprocated limerence unless BOTH have obsessive thoughts about the other. So in this sense, it doesn't even have to get physical.

Often one person will move on, while the other remains stuck. So even if the relationship was consummated, it still wasn't reciprocated limerence in this regard. If it was reciprocated limerence both would not be able to move on and would end up having an on-again off-again affair, most likely.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I agree that most affairs aren't mutually limerent. However, I had an affair with someone who might have been limerent in return, and while we did do the on/off thing over and over for 4 years, eventually I left for good. Probably the biggest motivator for my final departure was that I started dating my husband, and the limerent affair had gotten so batshit insane that even limerence couldn't colour it wonderful anymore. So I think there are times when ever limerence has it's limits.

For two years my former LO sent me emails on special occasions and the occasional 'how are you doing', none of which I responded to, and in his last email he wrote 'I know we haven't talked in a while...' Because obviously him emailing me and me ignoring his emails would be described like two friends who have fallen out of touch :))
CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:45 pm
Do you guys think the intensity lessens and the obsession dies down once the affair starts?
As described above, in my case the only time I had a limerent affair where I was the one who ended it, it wasn't because the limerence had died down. It was because the situation got so insane that my rational mind was able to overcome the intensity of limerence with pure, unadulterated rage for an extended period. Also, I started dating my husband, and my rational mind liked him a lot better, even if my limerent side wasn't fully engaged.
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

mamasita
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by mamasita » Tue Sep 11, 2018 8:00 pm

CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:45 pm
mamasita wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 6:58 pm
I agree LF! Reciprocated limerence says to me that both people are limerent for each other. But if that were the case, they would likely just have an affair. There is no way that if both felt this level of intensity, that they wouldn't act on it. I also think this would be extremely rare. I would guess that 99% of the time, a limerent person is limerent for someone who may like them okay, but they do not obsess, ruminate, have highs and lows in the way that the LS does.
Not that it matters, but I never wanted LO to be limerent for me. I just wanted him to reciprocate by letting me be in his presence for a day or two or whatever he would give me. Of course, I am not entitled to that, and I have to remind myself that he isn't mine to use. He is a person with needs and desires of his own. :-s
Do you guys think the intensity lessens and the obsession dies down once the affair starts?
IF my LO was limerent, maybe it would die down.
But since he's not, and I'm the limerent one, then I think an affair would probably turn me crazy obsessed and miserable. Not died down in the least. 8-}

Pandora
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Re: reciprocated vs unreciprocated limerence

Post by Pandora » Tue Sep 11, 2018 8:05 pm

mamasita wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 8:00 pm
IF my LO was limerent, maybe it would die down.
But since he's not, and I'm the limerent one, then I think an affair would probably turn me crazy obsessed and miserable. Not died down in the least. 8-}
Ugh, that has been so true for me! I've had 5 LOs, slept with 4 of them, and with the 3 of them that I'm sure weren't limerent, it drove me crazy that they weren't as obsessed with me as I was with them. The 'obstacle' of their nonlimerence made me crazier!

I was reading an experience from a limerent who married a non-limerent in Tennov's Love and Limerence, and he described feeling constantly unsure of his wife's devotion over their 25 year marriage! I can't imagine what it must have been like to live like this for 25 years straight!
Desire is a state,
a state of ill repair.
It's ill prepared to cope,
it's ill prepared to care.

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