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Help and advice needed

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Helpmeplease
Posts: 625
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:06 pm

Yes LC I think that's true. I did need her. It isn't sustainable. It is sad. Hard to cope with emotions especially when tired and sleep has bee terrible recently, and due to kids not in same bed as SO for the majority of the night

PH yes two short comms in my 2m (so not 100pc NC but near enough). When she messaged me just after baby birth and then I felt so guitly not asking how she was doing I sent her a message) I did set my boundaries to always keep SO informed and not to start messages (which I broke that once when I felt guilty).

She does care for me and I guess I am really wanting more contact from her.

Thanks AK yes she is a decent person and I think I am healing just feels really hard at the moment. I am glad I didn't disclose. I cam so close.if I did and she had feelings it would have ruined me. Hard enough coping with thoughts as they are let alone if you know LO has similar thoughts. I have been thinking maybe one day I will tell her I became dependent on her in 2018#. I think LO would understand easily and already realize it (at Christmas party I made her promise to see me weekly in her mat leave. Cringe! She was nice about it and said she would try and I could call her anytime)

Yep coming back to same job. I am worried about that. I will find it hard to manage and I think actually she won't have much time for meet ups- short weeks and short days. And I will find that hard. I just don't think one lunch every couple of weeks will work for me, and one lunch a day is dangerous.

DD yes I am asking myself whether it's worth texting her, ehethrr a little bit is good for me or if I need more NC and so shouldn't break it. I don't really want to be the first message person but in reality her focus is quite rightly elsewhere

I don't think she is a flirty person actually. On occasion with me but I spent a long time with her. The confusing bit is why she spent so.mich time with me. But probably in normal life there isn't anything to feel confused about.

But I have to stop ruminating and can't tell if NC or short message conversation would help. Feels hard at the moment. Contacting her goes round and round my head.
Last edited by Helpmeplease on Sat Jun 08, 2019 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 202
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Sat Jun 08, 2019 5:22 am

Helpmeplease wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:06 pm
I have been thinking maybe one day I will tell her I became dependent on her in 2018#. I think so would understand easily and already realize it (at Christmas party I made her promise to see me weekly in her mat leave. Cringe! She was nice about it and said she would try and I could call her anytime)

Things that we say or do when in the heat of limerence.

Hang in there i think you are already doing great ... and is on the way to breaking completely free ...

How about beginning with the end in mind.. what do u want from her ?

A balanced friendship that can see the light?

If that's it then internalize these thoughts and I think the occasional reaching out shouldn't be that bad.. treat it as the occasional catch up or festival greeting msg to yr frens, cousins etc

Helpmeplease
Posts: 625
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sun Jun 09, 2019 8:21 pm

I have been finding it hard and thoughts of wanting some freedom or change returned

My SO noticed and basically said she was waiting for me to turn to her and say it's all too much - that it felt like it was before. And then she asked me about LO. Which I said I hadn't been in contact. This LE has left a scar on my SO as well as what it did to me.

Before I would have used LO as my emotional crux. And guess this is why really miss her and see what a difficult (disaster) position I got my self in. LO is not the person to fix me and she isn't my fix.

I have really wanted contact but havent. Extreme tiredness, poor diet, no time for me, feeling like it's just chore after chore. Also it's just past a very sad anniversary for me and I am still at early stages processing that event even though it was a few years ago

It's good I am in a position to realise all this and can deal with the bits. I don't sleep well though. Baths are good. Booked holidays so something nto look forward to. Talking to SO. Getting out the house as a family. I also think some decent time off would be brilliant, and wondering big I could engineer it

I have tried really hard with my self imposed boundaries (no first contact) but I have been thinking of relaxing to allowing myself first contact if I am in a good place and also to give it at least a few days after feeling the pang to contact to give myself time to check the reason

I have been hoping she will contact me, 3w since our very short message chat. Hard not to take it personally vs the time we spent together before. But I am doing my best to think this through - who she needs now are people going through same thing, people to help her adjust to being a mum, people to see for mid week coffee dates - not me. Doesn't mean she doesn't value me but that I am at an appropriate friendship level. Also it really helps me that she isn't contacting me because it helps enforce to me that she has her life (and family) and I have mine. However much things could be different - they are not and actually unlikely to be different.

I still think of her an awful though. I am not expecting this to change quickly but mostly I can deal with the thoughts in moderate peace - thankful she was in my life, happy i met such an amazing person - sometimes the thoughts catch me unawares and then it's hard to stop them spiraling out of control. That's sad and dangerous thought spiral

HL, this could be the way to test balanced friend ship. But I know I want more than just a general friendship with odd meet ups. Hard to know what approach to o take or if continuee NC is the way to go. Seems like self imposed punishment but I can't risk getting into the kind of mess I was in before. No way.

Pattihopeful
Posts: 600
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:18 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Pattihopeful » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:45 pm

It sounds like you are continuing to get to a better place. It is not LO job to fix us or give us a fix. Very true. It is great you can identify what makes you want to run to her.

Yes, LE gives us a scar. I agree with you that she must be busy with other moms or just trying to get sleep.

Your story gives me hope this can be turned around. I like your boundary of no first contact. At least for me, when I contact him and don't reach him, I have horrible regret and anxiety. It sounds like it was good you coukd tell your wife you haven't contacted her. Take care and keep up the great progress!!

AnnieKaye9924
Posts: 268
Joined: Sun Mar 24, 2019 8:22 pm
Canada

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by AnnieKaye9924 » Tue Jun 11, 2019 1:52 am

I like to read your thread because it reminds me of my situation before disclosure. Except I was the woman (including having a baby!) You are on the right track. Keep working on those underlying reasons. Maybe limited contact would work for you, since she does not seem to be a narc & you genuinely like her as a person and enjoy the friendship. I don’t know if it’s even possible to maintain a normal friendship but I would think that since there was no disclosure & no physical aspect to the relationship that you would stand a better chance than if you had disclosed or had an affair.

Depends on your SO though & how she would feel about it.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 625
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Wed Jun 12, 2019 8:17 pm

PH there is always hope. No matter how bad it currently feels and how extreme and the torture of so solution to wanting what you can't have and not wanting that you have, it can and will get better with you, support and time. The fact you are here is great

AK thank you for saying my thread helps. It's so long it's sometimes shameful and mostly reminder how hard I have found this and how close I came to melt down and disaster. I often read it and it helps

I am not sure I can have a friendship with her and it's impossible to know if it's safe to text her. I don't think limited contact is enough for me. She is special and I miss her but she isn't as special as my family and I would miss them more! Uncountably more.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 625
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:25 pm

It's been rough week of sleep and I am so tired. Couldn't concentrate today. All week I haven't been able to stop thinking shall i contact her?? I gave in today and sent a short message asking how she was doing. I just can't stop thinking about her. Especially when tired and can't concentrate. Hard to keep intrusive thoughts under control.

nC feels really hard

I am thinking of getting help with sleep. I never get a full night and very rarely do I get deep sleep.

Pattihopeful
Posts: 600
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:18 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Pattihopeful » Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:38 pm

HMP I think what you said about how you miss LO but would miss your family more had such great insight. I am sorry you are struggling. Your work must remind you of her and when you are tired it probably reminds you of LE. I hope you can find some help to get more. sleep.

It seems LE rewired my brain to turn thoughts to LO when my circumstances or emotions. Does that happen to you too?

Did she get back to your message? NC must be hard. I have failed low contact but am lower contact. Hope you feel better. You are doing great with this!

Hopeless Lomantic
Posts: 202
Joined: Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:48 pm
Somalia

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Hopeless Lomantic » Thu Jun 13, 2019 5:20 pm

Don't make it too big a deal that u reach out with a short msg.. dun be too harsh on yourself and it's perfectly fine to send a short catch up msg as a fren..

This whole NC LC thing is all self imposed.. does LO care really ? It will not drastically alter the basis of the rs I feel whether it's NC, LC etc.. Internalizing what u truly want from her is crucial..

As much as we should not depend on our LO for our happiness, more importantly, we should not allow ourselves to go into misery because of LO..

New mantra.

LO doesn't care so why should you ?

Helpmeplease
Posts: 625
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Fri Jun 14, 2019 8:40 pm

PH yes on rewiring . I used to worry that I couldn't undo it ans that I was damaged but I think have managed to do some re-rewiring. I have a feeling it takes a very long time to rewire once addiction is present, once habits are formed, once brain is trained to match contact with such extreme emotion. It doesn't surprise me that NC is required for a long time to rewire brain in the absence of anything to reolace LE quickly (eg transference, that is the only quick fix I can see for current LE but clearly not a good strategy)

I realized I felt really anxious about whether we are friends and if she would contact me... and I wanted contact. I missed her.

She did reply same day. Lovely long message. Said she has no time for anything but baby, no time for her, that it was such a long time since we last spoke and in the past few days she was planning to text me. She also said she has already agreed with her SO to come visit us and we should get date in diary.

Felt nice to get her response, that I Know I am her friend and she is totally preoccupied. Dose of reality. She sounded happy and I keep thinking I want to tell her it's great she is happy and I am very pleased for her (this is a genuine feeling). Really reduced my anxiety and has made me happier. I really feel we are close friends (that is also my danger)

I also told my So I had contacted her and she was well. Felt odd to tell SO that I contacted her but I think it's important for me to do so. Still treading on egg shells here, my SO didn't really want to know (I didn't say LO and family are coming to see us!)

I did also feel that if they come around we will all be there and maybe I want just to see her myself and talk. I said yes it would be great to get a date when you are feeling up to setting one. But was thinking of suggesting a coffee too.

Then I got another message inviting me to see her one afternoon if I could escape work early. (No need for me to suggest coffee now but two invited to deal with)

I also felt I wanted to continue to chat on message but I Know that isn't good idea.

Having some contact and reassurance (indirectly) she has been thinking of me really helped me. This is too edged - talking to a close friend vs LE. Had to know which is the driver or if it's safe. Is it safe to see her? Going to hers to say hi at a lunch time may seem very wierd to my SO but I would like to. If I did I would definitely ask SO first.

I don't want to go backwards as I got myself into a total measure over this girl but i would like to see her. If I am being honest with myself I cannot tell if it's safe, stupid or a test I could see how it goes. But if I were a gamber (as well as addict) I would bet on stupid but inevitable.

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