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Help and advice needed

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Helpmeplease
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sat Jan 12, 2019 3:30 pm

I think of the alcoholic aspect quite a lot. I haven't experienced that but would be surprised if an alcoholic was in a bar having g a pint. But I agree this is what I am doing. I have to cope with living in the pub and being bored until mid april.

MetsFan
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Re: Help and advice needed

Post by MetsFan » Sat Jan 12, 2019 6:53 pm

Helpmeplease wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 3:30 pm
I think of the alcoholic aspect quite a lot. I haven't experienced that but would be surprised if an alcoholic was in a bar having g a pint. But I agree this is what I am doing. I have to cope with living in the pub and being bored until mid april.
An alcoholic spends all his timing drinking in bars. A recovering alcoholic knows he has to walk past the bar.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:11 pm

Thanks MetsFan. Good point on the rationalising.i guess I do try and explain and then live with the answer rather than not doing NC - assuming that's what you mean by rationalising? Just stopping for a moment and reading what I wrote before - It's quite easy to summarize the issue - if I had an hour to go to wine bar would i chose SO or LO? This is the Crux of the problem.

I felt LE was too much to cope with mid 2018 but don't feel it is dangerous now, or that there is any possibility of a 'too late'. Pre her pregancy disclosure there felt like there was a real danger (in my mind).. Now nothing can happen. And it's clear she doesn't really think if me in the other compartments of her life now(hard to accept but importsnt to accept? So my mind is saying don't worry. Enjoy it. It won't harm and u need it for various reasons (eg like filling the missing bits), she is a coping mechanism, and NC will come anyway.

And then going with the alcoholic analogy - yes the recovering one walks past the bar. perhaps I dont want to recover? Which is your point - it doesn't feel dangerous enough to need to recover? Doesn't feel like it's an addiction at this stage. That isn't right given the Christmas party and week after.

what would the alcoholic who is thinking about recovering do if he started in the bar (and not starting in the bar doesn't happen until mid April) And has to sit in the bar 9hrs a day. How would he avoid ordering a drink? Probably order a drink until then and find a way to manage it.

Helpmeplease
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:20 pm

I feel silly for posting this as I am not helping myself and continuing to do things which are stupid. But it helps just to write.
I dont want to give up contact, also the extreme highs and lows of contact with her seem to be very different now - I dont get these but she seems to be my happy place.

I have had a few dreams this week about LO. Hard to understand but I got the impression they were helping me re wire my brain into friendship with LO rather than LE with LO.

Monday I had lunch with her. Actually turned into a very long lunch and was super interesting. She enjoyed it too tues she gave me more thoughts on what we talked about
Wed and Thurs we had working lunch on an important project I am working on. I didn't need to include her but I did.
Fri some more work time and then a quick drink. The drink which was mostly me organising.

Clearly not wanting to go NC means I get more from this then the negatives or danger. Or maybe I like the danger aspect as it might shake life up (very badly of course)

She has said a few things which has helped me realize more and more that she really likes being in my company and cares for me but when she isn't in my company she doesn't think about me. And that she really loves her SO and just wants to be with him. This actually really helps. I really think she is one of my favorite people and I really am glad she is happy. I care hugely about her and this is out or balance with her even though she cares about me. What exactly my relationship is with her still a mystery. I see to be dependent on her for something. Maybe to see in life can be fun and interesting? It's so super hard with young family who never sleep. My SO and I are so exhausted. And never get time for us. And in this we have made an emotional bond with LO which also makes time with SO hard to get.

Some funny things came up at drink with her - her CBT friend helping sex addicts, divorce. Before, my limerbrain would go nuts with this but I think this just came up in conversation. Maybe a bit of crossing a boundary (especially if she knows what I feel for her)or maybe.not.

I have certainly boosted her ego significantly this week. And told her I am anxious of how I will come at work when she is on mat leave. Is this true? Or am I anxious of how I will cope with life/happiness?

Three lunches, tea and drink post work, even if half was work related is odd. She likes 'analysing' me, helping me etc. Seeing her boosts my ego too. What does she think of it all, she must know it's not really appropriate.

This week there was first tangible outcome on others of me not being happy at work and being absent. 'you don't care' was the phase given to me about a bad outcome - basically me not caring was one driver of the bad outcome. True. Oh dear.

I have a second interview. At the same time I am now getting into two interesting tasks and randomly my boss has offered an oilve branch. I will have to decide whether I take the branch and get stuck in or if it is too late and too much damage has been done. I would be better staying where I currently work if things were different.

I also realized that my boredom and lack of respect for boss and unhappiness at work is leading to (mildly) rebellious behavior. I am thinking of being super direct with him and talking about this. He wants to change team culture but thinks he doesn't need to change (he does. Several people have told me this even without me asking them)

I am not sure I am in full LE. I have no idea where I am actually. Maybe just exhausted? I still want to see LO and clearly something is not right - life seems a bit flat. . Maybe's a sign of LE being removed or that actually it's a sign of Mid Life Crisis, being slightly depressed, missing a purpose to inspire me. Or lonely maybe. Maybe acceptance that she is with her SO and me with mine and it's like a mini breakup for me? (Even though I still spend hours per week with her it seems a bit different now)

I don't want to change job to avoid boss and LO if they aren't the thing I need to sort. But maybe it would be enough of a change to help. Dunno.

LadyChat
Posts: 106
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:51 pm
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Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by LadyChat » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:20 am

Please do keep writing, any kind of journaling is cathartic and you’ll be helping others in the process.

Playing devils advocate here I’m concerned about your relationship with SO in all of this. If you are spending time after work with your LO then isn’t that time that should be spent supporting your SO? If you are struggling with lack of sleep and the pressures of young kids (and I do know what it’s like although older, mine do still playing musical beds in the middle of the night) then surely she is really struggling too? Where is her outlet from all of the pressure?

You may be placing yourself in a very dangerous situation here....either she may learn to cope without having a strong emotional bond with you and then ultimately as the children get older, reassess how much she actually needs you around. You yourself might end up so changed by the experience of your LO that you simply cannot reconnect with your SO- you are risking in losing it all. I carry an enormous amount of guilt with me for the times I sidelined my children to spend time with previous LO. I clearly remember sending my eldest son to a football camp he didn’t want to go to, simply because there was a possibility LO might come round. This didn’t happen often, but the memory of the odd time it did makes me repulsed with myself. At the time I was so selfish, blinded by the limerence fog that I couldn’t fully appreciate other people’s feelings. I’d hate you to make the same mistakes I have.

MetsFan
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Re: Help and advice needed

Post by MetsFan » Sun Jan 20, 2019 10:42 am

I think it’s clear you’re not going to remove LO from your life until she goes on maternity leave. When she goes you’ll have a shock though, because she will disappear. You know with your own SO I’m sure that when a woman has a child, her life changes immeasurably as do her priorities. You’ll find yourself in NC regardless (at least until/if she comes back).

The decision you have to make now is whether you can start to prepare for that by going LC and whether it is time to make a change by leaving your workplace. You seem unhappy there, don’t get on with your boss and have this enormous distraction there in LO that is effecting everything important in your life.

In my job I spend a lot of time analyzing decision making, both my own team’s and other people’s. It’s incredibly rare that all the information with which you base a decision points to it being clear cut. The vast majority of the time it is a case of weighing up the positives and negatives, the probabilities etc. As humans we almost always let biases in and have a tendency to side with the comfortable, the familiar and avoid conflict and controversy.

It would be awkward and uncomfortable to cold shoulder LO at this point and changing jobs would be the same as leaving LO in your mind. They are massively tough choices. I know very well. I’d probably be where you are if my LO wasn’t fired and the decision taken for me. But you have some more evidence now - colleagues are questioning your commitment - that is a slippery slope. Your SO can’t be happy either, and 2 unhappy parents can’t be good for your kids.

You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs. You will lose something and possibly upset people which ever path you choose. Stay or go, NC or not. I think you have to weigh everything up and ask yourself what is the best for my family, and me in the long term?

Helpmeplease
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:25 pm
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by Helpmeplease » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:44 pm

Thanks both.

Kids bedtime and sleep is slowly really damaging us. SO gets up basically hourly for our baby (who is nearly a toddler) and I get up at least 3 times a night for the others. And that's after we've managed to get them to bed - that task for all of them, and tidying tskes 2hrs a day.there isn't time for me let alone us. We dont need sleep advice - we get that all the time and try different methods. It's rough. SO is struggling with this and the impact it has on her being able to exercise and get where she wants to be. When my madness started Dec 2017 SO was totally content and was able to help support me in some ways when I said I wasnt doing so well in early 2018. (I told her about my new friend a couple ofweeks before I mentioned this - she put these two together immediately) . Now is super tough as we are both exhausted. We are talking about this but it seems we are just stuck coping until it improves.

SO actually referred to my LE the other day as my mini affair. Tounge in cheek - as much as that comment can be. Oh dear :( I love my kids and SO and don't want to hurt them and I could never leave them without me but something somewherr isn't quite right. And I know continually seeling LO doesn't help.

I do worry my connection with LO is affecting all other things but it's the only place where I can just relax, be me, no worry about anything. Be happy. LC Dont worry about being devil's advocate. Your comments are totally valid and this is bad I know. If she wasn't pregnant i don't think I would have got through 2018 without some bigger problem and it isn't right and is dangerous but with her going and then enforced NC I can't convince myself that it is too dangerous and yes it's clear I won't remove LO until she goes. I am not going to try or convince myself that I might try anymore.

I was down in the dumps last week and both SO and LO noticed. I think that it was because I have a reasonable chance of getting a job offer and then I will actually have to decide what to do. I would enjoy telling my boss I am done with him, I would be sad to leave my work friends and have to rebuild what I have already built. I can't imagine telling LO and knowing it will mean significantly less (potentially zero) interaction.

I was thinking I might ask her what she thinks I could do as she is closest to me and my work position. I may also say that I would be very sad to leave because I feel unusually close connection with her and she might be able to say something to help here (maybe just to air it and get a comment or two from her might help me?) I still don't get why she invests so much time in me. I k know it's not important and it a limerant thing to ask but I can't stop thinking about this from time to time. She must be aware of all this. And I guess the office gossips too. I haven't heard any gossip but it be somewhere. Doesn't it play on her mind even just the office gossip bit?

I do feel leaving would draw a line under a lot for stuff andalso might get me a month off as well. I am very keen to progress the process to see where it goes. I would be silly not to give this my best effort.

LadyChat
Posts: 106
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:51 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by LadyChat » Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:21 pm

I think that if you stayed at your current workplace you could find yourself in an even more difficult position. Assuming that LO is planning on coming back to work after having the baby?! You could end up pining for her, maybe having very limited contact whilst she’s off and then *boom* when she returns! That’s a massive rollercoaster of emotion that I would not want to ride. At least with employment elsewhere you might find yourself more engaged and challenged, and contact with LO might drop off more naturally. I know you don’t want that but I really can’t see how you can carry this on indefinitely. While your SO might be making tongue in cheek comments now I’d take that as a warning that she’s monitoring the situation. She may turn round at some point and forbid you to have contact.

MetsFan
Posts: 129
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by MetsFan » Mon Jan 21, 2019 6:49 pm

LadyChat wrote:
Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:21 pm
While your SO might be making tongue in cheek comments now I’d take that as a warning that she’s monitoring the situation. She may turn round at some point and forbid you to have contact.
Which is exactly what my SO did. Initially it was tongue in cheek: “your little friend”, “your girlfriend” etc then it was “her” or “she” before eventually telling me she hated the idea of me and LO being close and that I had to choose: her or LO.

L-F
Posts: 2147
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
New Zealand

Re: Help and advice needed

Post by L-F » Tue Jan 22, 2019 1:46 am

MetsFan wrote:
Mon Jan 21, 2019 6:49 pm
Which is exactly what my SO did. Initially it was tongue in cheek: “your little friend”, “your girlfriend” etc then it was “her” or “she” before eventually telling me she hated the idea of me and LO being close and that I had to choose: her or LO.
Good on your wife for giving you dose of reality!
I wonder what you would have done/said if the shoe was on the other foot and your wife had a boyfriend?
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

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