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LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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L-F
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by L-F » Tue Sep 11, 2018 10:52 pm

HumorMe wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 5:37 pm
Rather, I invite the LO to play the game of intense flirting and attention-sharing.
This is triggering to me. This is the exact kind of game playing LOs do that is harmful to LS (along with the joke that Spinnaker was talking about).

Yes I would like David to look into this thread.

HumorMe, what exactly brought you to this forum? Is limerence causing you pain? And if so, in what way may I ask?
If you play with fire, you will get burnt.
If you play with a narcissist, you'll remain his or her victim.
To get off the drama triangle, go NC. Diffficult but necessary.

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HumorMe
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by HumorMe » Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:53 am

L-F wrote:
Tue Sep 11, 2018 10:52 pm
HumorMe, what exactly brought you to this forum? Is limerence causing you pain? And if so, in what way may I ask?
I believe I wrote about the pain in my posts, not just the light-sided parts. Have you read them yet? Or are you reacting to others' reactions?

I thought to come here to discuss intelligently not just the negative things, but the ways to deal with infatuations or obsessive hang-ups on those who are unavailable, mainly... and the majority (though seemingly few, comparatively to some of you) of my infatuations were over unattainable women (married). Maybe these were merely infatuations and I merely act silly around women in general.

So, maybe I am basically a novice or amateur. Or perhaps not even a limerant at all. Just a silly guy who likes women, usually married ones. I don't know why. I thought it could possibly be because they have been tamed and I prefer them tamed compared to the wild and useless undomesticated ones, both single and divorced. They just don't seem like partner material.

And I apologize for being blunt and forward. That is simply how I am. I didn't know I have to be careful of my being a perfect specimen in a group of adulterers. Why am I being attacked for my honesty when I have been reading how twisted some of you behave? How am I any sicker than you? Because I make light of my affliction? That's how I deal with it. Should I curl up in a ball and cry all day? How does that solve anything?

Could it be that coming clean to an LO sooner rather than later is actually the best method? I BELIEVE SO. Get it out and get it over with. LO's aren't a good choice of partner... not that I wouldn't want them, but in reality those never work out. I already know this. And unfortunately, I am unable to carry on a normal platonic friendship once I realize I have a mad crush or infatuation or whatever the acceptable terminology for that is. The last one told me "do drop me an email from time to time to let me know how you are." This sounds so sincerely concerned for my continued friendship, but it is utter bullshit for me. I cannot accept someone regulating how our friendship is going to go. What, a once a year Christmas card update? Fuck that. Because she is a female, she gets to regulate and make demands? Fuck that. No offense to her, of course. This is just my feelings. Either I can communicate any time, or it's not a friendship.

How many of you set rules on how many emails a friend can send you? If they are friends, you don't set rules. Therefore, this was already not going well, and i made haste to end it... I know I cannot oblige by a "once in a while" simply to keep her from leaving... to settle for a distant acquaintance type thing. Perhaps some limerants would do that to hang on to dear sweet nothings. I can't play that bullshit. Either you have time for me or you don't.

So there. I have some experience with these matters. But I also know keeping an LO actively is useless for me and for her, too. So, I end it and enjoy the residuals of writing songs and stories. No harm, no fuss. Hopefully a relationship comes along to distract me, but meantime I keep busy with fixing my house, working outside, outdoor sports, music, and trying to talk about it here... without getting shot down for not being completely twisted (at least, momentarily). Why kick me for not being depressed over an LO? Can't it sometimes just be okay? She's not hurting, nothing happened, and I am generally going to survive these things.
Do no harm. This must include myself.

L-F
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by L-F » Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:48 am

HumorMe wrote:
Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:53 am
That is simply how I am.
Yea me too. Woop woop to us.

Sorry to hear you are in pain. Maybe NC will help?
If you play with fire, you will get burnt.
If you play with a narcissist, you'll remain his or her victim.
To get off the drama triangle, go NC. Diffficult but necessary.

Acrobatica
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by Acrobatica » Wed Sep 12, 2018 4:01 am

Dear HumorMe:

Keep posting. Your predicament sounds similar to mine and familiar to many others on here. It also sounds like you already have some self-awareness that you keep falling limerent for those who are unavailable and that were you to "get" the LO, it would not solve all of your problems.

I did take offense at you calling the lot of us adulterers. Some relationships here became physical, some emotional, and some people barely talk to the LO. But the word adulterer carries a connotation of judgment. Despite how you have been received here by some, I think this forum works best when it is a place of non-judgment, but support, and a place where we can share insights, theories, and stories. I feel the need to apologize for your reception on behalf of the forum, but one of my insights is that I have spent a lifetime taking responsibility for others behavior and apologizing for things that were not my fault. So, I guess I will share the impulse to apologize, but hold back from actually going there. Baby steps.

I also get your anger. LO left me 6 weeks ago, and I am still pissed off. How dare he leave me after all I did for him. And he set the terms of no contact, we can only see each other through social media - and he stopped liking my posts months and months ago. I unfriended him.

And I get the silly part too. I can be professional and friendly with men. But I find myself getting bizarre around men that I perceive a need for. I am just coming off a rehearsal with a very new guy (quick story - I do circus - worked lots of partner acts with LO - LO LEFT (the asshole) - now I am left with a ton of partner skills and no partner - so I am desperately recruiting any moderately tall, moderately strong man that is interested in circus skills, and more importantly is comfortable working with a 46 year old woman (who is extremely strong, flexible, and skilled)) and did I say desperately recruiting, because at my age I might break at any moment and I want to keep moving forward before my body crumples into dust). And I kept wanting to slap myself. He was into learning, and it made me so excited that I think I came off as a DESPERATE CRAZY OBSESSIVE and did I say DESPERATE partner seeking woman. I could not stop talking. I could not stop saying, I hope I am not coming on too strong, but can you rehearse tomorrow? I hope I am not coming on too strong, but do you want to try straps, rope, silks, trapeze, pops, whips, Icarian, travel to train over a foam pit and with lines?

And this is me totally not limerent. Very new guy seems kind and nice and supportive. I apparently like them cruel and controlling. I encourage you to look into what kind of LO you seem to be attracted to. I have noticed a pattern.

Finally, I get your thought on disclosure. I thought disclosure would help everything to dissipate faster - get it into the light of the day so the sunlight can disinfect it. My T basically supported this. Didn't work that way, however. As all of the advice on this forum has said. (Disclosed way before I found this forum.) I like being open and honest, but romantic lustful feelings are a funny thing to talk about. No one seems to be able to do it well. Especially most of our LOs.

And hey, if you are here on the make, do you want to learn trapeze? (That's my new pick-up line.) And I am kidding everyone! This is not a pick up place. But hey, if any of you out there are tall, strong, and like being upside down. PM me. Just kidding. Maybe. Did I tell you that I am desperate. :ymparty: :o) :-t

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HumorMe
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by HumorMe » Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:24 am

Thanks Acrobatica. I wasn't trying to be judgmental but I am Catholic so I guess the word adultery sounds charged up. I use it on myself often. (Actually, have done "it" before.) But I do appreciate your friendliness. I am way too open to the point of TMI -- it's part of my other problem being sort of an overgrown little kid. So forgive me for blurting things out all over the place, unregulated.

Oh, that is the very thing that I do see as a pattern of the women that get me infatuated: They have a fun, childlike giggly quality. Not all the time, but at certain moments that just seem so endearing to me. I just wanna go run around in a playground with them, holding hands and touching their hair and blowing soap bubbles and chase them and fall down in the leaves or the grass with them... but also, I do feel concern for an LO. I don't want to upset their current world (marriage, job, and lifestyle). I guess once they flirt with me and I'm hooked, I want them to know I might be interested in more... that makes them either own up to their flirts or pull away. Some of them are okay with me having a crush.

On the record, I would NOT have pursued the last LO had she not said and wrote so many things that came across as an interest in me. I would have left it well enough alone, and maybe even gone ahead and written her "once in a while" like she offered. But she crossed a boundary, and I likely over-did it by writing more informally (though she did ask me to be more informal). Oh, I dunno. It's such a dance with women. One never really knows for sure.

No offense on that. I am not trying to be sexist. I was born a female and am now a transman, for 17 years. I look very convincing and no one would be able to figure it out unless I told them. It is possible she found out through school records. (She was an instructor of mine. I went back to school recently to get my Assoc Degree. She is 10 years younger than I am and is married to one of the top officers of a related school.)

When I was female, I enjoyed male attention and was involved heterosexually with them. Whenever a man would flirt in this same fashion, complimenting me and making me feel special, the chances of us getting to bed together was 100% if he had the looks I was into. And it wouldn't take long, either. I find that when women flirt, they are more or less fishing for a bite to see if they still have what it takes, but they don't aim to get to bed with the recipient. I had told her more than once that: 1) I don't ever want to change her world, and 2) I am more than happy just to be friends.

So, I have no idea why it crashed and burned, except that i was writing her once every couple weeks in an email and when she failed to respond, I would come off a bit more sappy the next time... a bit more informal. Not suggestive, but just sounding like we've been close friends for much longer. I can't explain. And so, after 4 or 5 unanswered emails, I would become more anxious and sounding dejected, whereupon she would then reply with how she hasn't been keeping up with her correspondences for this or that reason. Well, then, why ask me to call her by her first name and to email her once in a while? How do I know she will see those emails? In other words, I doubted her story and began my distancing, though desperately so. I hated to lose such an intelligent lady who enjoyed reading my essays for class and encouraged me so much to keep writing. I thought she'd like to continue being entertained by my creativity, both in words and in my original music.

Anyway, it was not meant to be. She finally gave me a send-off email after I explained how I became angry that she was ignoring me... I had to call her out on it b/c I felt it was unfair, given that she invited this informality to begin with. I basically said I would not bother her again. She replied that she too thinks it best to move forward (as in, with my life). I moved 827 miles away as a response to my obsession b/c I did not want to tempt myself into visiting her at the campus. I truly wanted to break off completely and leave her alone. I don't think she hates me. I think she might feel this was all tragic, too. But I can't risk making it worse for either of us. Moving forward is the best thing. I do like her too much to want to make her miserable.

I was going to move anyway someday, so this only motivated me to commit to my adventure. I'm in my new house and working on many things. I think of her often. But I always wished her well and for her happiness, as I think she meant it also when she wished me the best in my new endeavors.

Seriously, I am not looking to pick anyone up here, though. I would need much more to go on than a cyber thing and being miles apart. I need to know the person up close, in 3D. LOL. (Oh, and funny you should be in the circus. I jokingly call myself the Bearded Lady!! HAHA!)
Do no harm. This must include myself.

Acrobatica
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by Acrobatica » Thu Sep 13, 2018 4:26 am

HumorMe wrote:
Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:24 am
I moved 827 miles away as a response to my obsession b/c I did not want to tempt myself into visiting her at the campus.
That is quite a step that you took. It sounds to me like it is good that you found this forum.

For me, how much LO was feeding the obsession, and how much I was doing all by myself was, is, something I was caught up in for a long time. I sometimes wonder whether I was completely crazy and made up all the signs of interest or attraction on his part. But I have settled the question for myself at least, that he was definitely giving signs of interest or attraction, and I was not crazy to fall for them. Whether he was actually interested or attracted is another story - who knows. He says he wasn't. But that was when we were fighting about everything and he was doing everything in his power to make it known that he didn't care about me at all (while choosing to go on a 2 week vacation with me). Also angry at the opposite sex. I thought men were supposed to be easy and want sex all the time. Ha! Not with me. Never really with me.

As a trans man, you must have wonderful insight into the game of attraction, having experienced it from both sides. I look forward to hearing further observations and theories from you.

I hope you are settling well into your new place and enjoying the change of scenery.

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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by HumorMe » Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:40 am

Thanks again Acro... yeah, I'm just settling in and unboxing things and throwing a lot of stuff out that I had been dragging with me for years... feeling sad. I wanted to move to New England for the longest time, even before moving to the last place I left (after being there 13 long years).

The LO thing just made the choice easier and quicker. I made up my mind and did it.

I dunno what I want to do on this forum. I make fun of everything about my tragic life... there is so much, I don't even know where to start. Sometimes, I feel it's best to just leave it all alone, cos going over and over it all doesn't do much anymore. I am an intense person, high IQ, low emotional regulation (not in an violent way, but I channel the physicality into fitness and outdoor sports and rock music)... shrinks, therapists, counselors, year in, year out... I hate meds. Makes me either flat-affect and zombied, or juiced up.

So I get paid to stay home and out of everyone's hair, so to speak... I am sociable and have friends (online, mostly). Kinda hard to hang out with people my age cos they work and have families. I try to do volunteer work or part-time stuff, but then I annoy the shit out of people with my hyperness.

I'm okay with all this most of the time, cos it's who I am. But some times, I question whether I should bother explaining myself to anyone... I don't want to justify myself anymore. I am who I am. I like my creative side. I don't like scaring people off with my intensity... but that's more my aspie crap than limerence. I am like a person on cocaine all day and night. But that's not for this forum.

I might leave here... I don't think I'm going to find what I'm looking for... there is no real answer to this stuff. But it was good to know that I am not the only one and it's a real thing that people go through. I just have too many other things to be focused on one aspect of my intensity, especially since I deal with it so differently... and tend to enjoy it more than not... until I scare the other person off, anyway. There is nothing I can do about that, anyhow.

Take care. Thanks again.
Do no harm. This must include myself.

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Name
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by Name » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:23 am

I love you LO, and I'm coming for you! One day I'll show you shit like this and we'll laugh at how pretentious and insecure I was. We'll both be whole and aligned :x and shimmering in each other's unity %%-

And for those who feel that it's right to run, keep running - it's probably right for you! If your intuition is pulling you from madness to order, then that's probably what you need more of to reach completion. We few on the other side are looking to add some colour to our marching grey plights.

You're all wonderful (*) And it's neat that we are all cohabiting on this limerence rocketship! Some of you are making your calculated celestial round-trips back home :-B while the rest of us are heading straight for the sun! :D
23M

JohnDeux
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:38 am

Name wrote:
Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:23 am
....while the rest of us are heading straight for the sun! :D
Pack plenty of water, Icarus!....Good luck! B-)
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Spinnaker
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Re: LO as a reason to be/life goal/north star

Post by Spinnaker » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:42 am

JohnDeux wrote:
Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:38 am
Name wrote:
Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:23 am
....while the rest of us are heading straight for the sun! :D
Pack plenty of water, Icarus!....Good luck! B-)

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