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What to do?

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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Stephen
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What to do?

Post by Stephen » Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:40 am

Hello all,

I recently posted in the non registered area, but am hoping to get some more support here.

I want to ask if any of you were able to save your marriage once you found out your spouse has fallen for someone else. My wife recently told me she has feelings for an old boyfriend she dated over a decade ago. We've been together for seven years and married almost 4 (Sept is our anniversary if we make it). She told me those feeling were always there and that she just suppressed them. Our relationship has always been great, we've always been really close, open and understanding of each other. She tells me she still loves me, but everything in her is driving her to this old boyfriend. So far it's only been Facebook chats, but there is talk about meeting up for lunch at some point. Needless to say, I'm completely shattered and heartbroken. I feel she's been thinking mostly on emotion and not much else. This doesn't make much sense to me.

It's been really difficult. We live together and seeing her on Facebook all hours of the day/everyday tears my heart apart. She told me she is willing to give this time and that gave me some hope, but I don't feel she has done much. Today, I am really feeling down. I feel hope and time is slipping away to save our marriage and she isn't fighting for it. I don't know what I can do, nothing I say seems to reach her. She asks for time and I do my best to give her hoping she will see reason and not break our marriage.

Have any of you survived this? What did you do? What can I do?

Thanks

crushed1234
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Re: What to do?

Post by crushed1234 » Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:12 am

Here’s a bit of a long roundabout way to answer your question. I had a PA with my LO. His wife found out and he asked for time because he didn’t know what to do. A week later I decided to tell my SO. He told me that if I saw or spoke to LO again our marriage would be over. I didn’t challenge him on this because I knew he was right. Had I not had that hard boundary I don’t think I would have been able to stay away.

Now my LOs SO has emailed me asking for a meeting. I ran into LO about a month ago, about 9 months of NC and it was clear that he is still very stuck in limerer-land. And her asking to meet tells me they are having a hard time rebuilding. I bet she wishes she would have put her foot down.

The truth is that limerence easily buckles under the light of real life. At this point, by giving her time to figure things out, you are enabling her obsession to run wild. If you tell her that she has to choose now there’s a small chance she’ll leave you and go with LO but if you don’t and she goes for lunch with LO things could get worse quickly. At this point she can have her cake and eat it too so that’s what she’ll keep doing.

Stephen
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Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Sun Aug 12, 2018 3:05 am

crushed1234 wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 1:12 am
The truth is that limerence easily buckles under the light of real life. At this point, by giving her time to figure things out, you are enabling her obsession to run wild. If you tell her that she has to choose now there’s a small chance she’ll leave you and go with LO but if you don’t and she goes for lunch with LO things could get worse quickly. At this point she can have her cake and eat it too so that’s what she’ll keep doing.
Hi crushed1234,

I appreciate your reply and trust me I thought about this many times. I often wonder if I'm being being stupid for enduring so much pain. I'm not the type to issue her ultimatums. I feel if I did and it didn't work out I would hate myself for not being more patient. I trust her and I want to give her time/space to hopefully figure things out. I just don't feel it's going very well, but if we somehow make it through this it will be worth the pain. You may be right though...

L-F
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Re: What to do?

Post by L-F » Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:58 pm

"I want to ask if any of you were able to save your marriage once you found out your spouse has fallen for someone else"

Yes. :)
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

JupiterTaco
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Re: What to do?

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Aug 14, 2018 11:15 am

I'm single and have mostly always been single, but I think a marriage can be saved. Both partners have to want it and it's hard to get to that point while stuck in and entertaining the limerbeast.
"How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me, you're the part of me that I don't want to see"-Forget It-Breaking Benjamin

mamasita
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Re: What to do?

Post by mamasita » Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:58 pm

Hi Stephen,
My heart goes out to you. I also agree that "give me time" is too vague and allows for your wife to fall deeper. I personally would request a time frame. You can't be expected to hang out in limbo forever. It is abusive. You love your wife but she is not loving you.

crushed1234
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Re: What to do?

Post by crushed1234 » Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:23 am

Yesterday I looked my LO’s SO in the eye as she told me about the most painful thing she’s ever experienced - watching her husband pack his overnight bag to go and stay at a hotel with me. I can’t see her ever getting past that. That’s what she got for “giving him time to figure things out”.

Had she set some healthy but firm boundaries I’m almost certain he would have stopped seeing me. But there was no consequences to his actions.

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David
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Re: What to do?

Post by David » Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:42 am

Until you emotionally detach from your wayward spouse not much will change. All you can do is work on yourself to be the best person you can be. Learning how to set and implement boundaires is vital. The first rule of setting boundaires is to emotionally detach.

To restore some of your self esteem, doing a 180 is the best advice. This is not to win back your SO, its to start moving on with your life. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy will help you understand your beta way of showing up in romantic relationships with women.

Here is one version of the 180 I cribbed.

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

Idiotic
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Re: What to do?

Post by Idiotic » Wed Aug 15, 2018 7:16 am

The 180 seems a lot like being bitchy :ymdevil:
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

Stephen
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Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
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Australia

Re: What to do?

Post by Stephen » Wed Aug 15, 2018 3:59 pm

David wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:42 am
Until you emotionally detach from your wayward spouse not much will change. All you can do is work on yourself to be the best person you can be. Learning how to set and implement boundaires is vital. The first rule of setting boundaires is to emotionally detach.

To restore some of your self esteem, doing a 180 is the best advice. This is not to win back your SO, its to start moving on with your life. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy will help you understand your beta way of showing up in romantic relationships with women.
Hi David,

thank you for your advice. I will keep this list nearby because I have been guilty of doing every single one of those things a lot. Even though I know it's not helping and she tells me that, it's difficult to not want to try and reason with her. Unfortunately, I know emotion seems to be in control here.

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