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Meeting with LO’s SO

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crushed1234
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Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by crushed1234 » Sat Aug 11, 2018 6:57 pm

We just got back from vacation and I checked my email for the first time in 2 weeks and on July 30th LO’s SO emailed me asking if we could meet. (For anyone who’s not aware of the background story - she found out about our PA 10 months ago). She’s finding it hard to trust him again and want to validate his version of the truth. I emailed back saying I’d love to meet her. I’ve had a hard time making amends regarding what I did to her. Even seeing her name in my inbox made my heart race and I broke out in a sweat. I was her when SO had his affair.

I’m hoping this will help everyone involved. Anyways, just thought I’d share.

Maddie
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by Maddie » Sat Aug 11, 2018 8:34 pm

Wow! I hope it goes well, and like you said, helps everyone involved :ymhug:
39, F
LO, 50 , M
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human-- Robert Johnson

crushed1234
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:57 am

Today I met with LO’s SO for 2 hours.

I was so anxious I hardly slept last night and I had a hard time getting the change back in my wallet after paying for our coffees because my hands were trembling so bad.

She had some questions for me about what happened. Most of the things lined up with what he had told her. I decided to share a few extra things that I would want to know if I were her. That he told me he was hoping we’d just have sex, not fall in love. That he was messaging another girl (a friend of a friend) a few days before “the sparks flew” and that the night we first kissed he said that if only there were some vacant rooms, he’d take me to one. I had to go bat shit crazy for my morals to go flying out the window. His intentions were not so innocent. She didn’t seem to surprised by this. She’d had her suspicions in the past but he’d never admitted to anything before. I guess denial isn’t a viable option when you getting caught red handed. I said that he needs to look at what he’s searching for with this behaviour. Right away she that she knows exactly why he’s doing it - he needs constant validation because he was neglected by his parents. If he was hungry - walk to McDonalds and get something. There was no love, or boundaries, for him as a kid. I can tell that she’s been doing lots of soul searching. LO however won’t go to counselling, read, or do anything that resembles introspection. “Everyone has baggage, what’s the point of dwelling on in” is his philosophy.

She said that after LO and I ran into each other at the end of June, he seems to be struggling more. I guess me not reciprocating the love bombing and telling him I no longer believe we’re meant to be together wasn’t what we was hoping to hear. He’s even been in contact with the woman she suspects him of cheating with before me. What better way that distract you from a distraction with a pervious distraction?

My heart breaks for her. She told me the hardest thing she ever experienced was watching him pack his overnight bag to go stay with me at a hotel. I could see that pain on her face. How can you possible apologize enough for putting someone through that? I have to own that that’s a really nasty, selfish side of me.

My heart also breaks for LO. He’s stuck, lost, wounded and refuses to look inwards. I want them to have a happy and healthy marriage but that won’t happen unless he starts to do the work.

Now I’m a bit anxious about what the “fall out” will be for the based on this. I’m sure LO feels as though I betrayed him and maybe even that I’m trying to sabotage his marriage. But that’s not something I should be taking on because I know that this time my actions are coming from a good place.

I’m also so incredibly thankful that I didn’t grenade my life to be with LO. What a total and complete mess that would have been. It would have been the extreme polar opposite of what SO and I are building. Few things choke me up as much as playing out the “what if I would have gone with LO” scenario… fuck me…

And…. I’m exhausted….

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Spinnaker
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:25 am

Crushed

Thank you for sharing. We need to hear more examples of the reality and aftermath when limerence is reciprocated. Your story could save marriages. I hope so.

Rest well. :ymhug:

crushed1234
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:38 am

Thank you Spinnaker :ymhug:

If I could just prevent one person from escalating things with their LO, I would be happy. I'm happy to serve as a walking warning sing :D

ReeledIn
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by ReeledIn » Tue Aug 14, 2018 3:47 am

Wow. What an experience. I have no words for once. Ok... maybe some. This must've been a HUGE, HUUGE trigger for you. I am sure you are exhausted and probably will feel shitty for a few days just from having to think about LO so much.

I thought our LO's were similar but yours sounds very different now.. more damaged perhaps. Mine would probably never last in a marriage (he gets bored and leaves). They are both on the quest for constant supply, that's for sure. My LO once said to me that he needs constant validation from women because of his low self esteem..and he too had a "Fend for yourself" type of childhood in a very poor part of the city where he grew up.

I honestly hope his SO moves on. She surely deserves better... he won't change.

Thank god we both came out of the affair fog alive to see what could have been.. which only makes me cherish my SO that much more. :ymhug:
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

crushed1234
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:44 am

I actually wasn't triggered at all. I was anxious as hell along with feelings of guilt, shame and sadness, but not triggered. I think this might mean that I'm over the blame phase (because I sure as hell went through that). Now I feel pity and sadness when I think of LO. I just see him as a wounded little boy. But regardless I'm sure it take a few days to fully process everything.

They've been together 17 years. He told both of us that his biggest fear was "picking wrong" and ending up alone. I can't really blame him for that because I haven't been single for more than 2 seconds since 15. I would't know what to do on my own.

I think LO ranks pretty high on the Narc scale but once his SO found out he tried to break it off with me. The mature thing to do would have been to let him go but instead I poured it on thick (my Narc side in full swing). He cried multiple times because he was so torn up about what to do while I tired to assure him that we wouldn't let our love go to waist. But ultimately he was the one who left his crying wife at home to go be with his mistress... How can she possible get past that? I think she'll keep growing until she finds the strength to leave him. I'm hoping that that will be rock bottom for him to start doing some work or else he will live a miserable life. And that breaks my heart. I really wish he had the courage to look inwards, but you're right - he probably won't. Either way, he's not my responsibility.

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CrushedSO
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:14 am

Proud of you! It took a metric shit ton of inner strength to sit down for two hours face to face with a woman who has every right to hate you. You both will learn from this and grow.

You definitely earned that bag of mini-twix that you ate without sharing the other night! :p

crushed1234
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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:30 am

Thanks dear, I hope it gives her the answers she’s looking for.

And I was stressed and therefore not in the space to share the mini twix ;;)

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Re: Meeting with LO’s SO

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Aug 14, 2018 11:06 am

I'm proud of you, Crushed and Crushed! What an experience!
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

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