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mid-life crisis?

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
MetsFan
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

mid-life crisis?

Post by MetsFan » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:25 am

Sorry, long-post…. :-*

I’m a married man about to hit 40, 2 kids, great job, house, cars etc. I’m currently in the middle of an LE for a co-worker half my age, who reports to me as well. Nothing has happened, I think she feels the same way, but then we all think that at some point, so who knows. To fully flesh this out though we need to go back 20 years (ironically to when current LO was born)….

My first LO was my university girlfriend. We split up and I became terribly limerent (I now realize). We tried to remain friends but this was a terrible decision. Everything I saw, touched, smelled reminded me of her. She started seeing another guy and it broke my heart. I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else, even though other girls tried. After I graduated I moved to New York, got a job and we were miles apart but I still thought of her every day. I had a 2 ½ year relationship with someone else but it didn’t get me over her.
10 years passed and I got married, started a family and the feelings had dulled but remained. All through my marriage I’ve thought of her as the one, even though my SO is a wonderful women, and we’re a good couple. 5 years ago I called her up out of the blue (she’s unhappily married with kids) and we met up for dinner – a bad decision as all the old feelings came back. We followed each other on social media and time has largely healed the wounds since.

By last year they had all but gone as a new LO had taken her place. A young girl at work who joined our team. On reflection, a carbon copy of the original LO in terms of looks and humour and at the same age that we were together – 19. The other similarity was that they both needed to be rescued by me (in my mind), I won’t go into specifics, but in both cases their relationship with me has helped their lives significantly (in different ways).

LO2 is inappropriate in every way, I know that, but she is hot, funny, smart and looks at me like no-one has ever done. We spend a lot of time together in the office and really enjoy each other’s company. We text at night and weekends and when we’re on vacation – not sexual or anything like that but plenty of non-work stuff, in-jokes etc. This LE has been going on for about a year.

About 9 months ago, LO1 contacted me out of the blue. Unusual for her as over the years it was always me checking in. It was quite intense straight away and she made it clear she wanted to see me. We met up, and it was fun and we resolved to do it again. She’s older of course, but still very attractive, fun and of course stirred up deeply held feelings. She knocked LO2 from my mind temporarily. We met up again for a weekend (she lives mid-west so we went to Chicago), stayed in a hotel and well, no need to spell out what happened….

After that a funny thing happened to me. I suddenly felt cured of LO1 after all these years. She had made it clear that she made the wrong decisions and should have spent her life with me, so with that and the sex it was like I’d achieved what I wanted - I got closure. It was amazing. Now don’t get me wrong, of course I felt terrible for cheating on my SO, but I also felt this was something I had to do.

So with LO1 switched off, LO2 has come roaring back. I’m now in fully fledged obsession stage. Thinking about her all the time, rehearsing disclosure conversations, getting jealous when some other guy at work talks to her, fantasising about going away together “on business”. I am at least also at the realization stage, and know I need to manage this somehow. I’ve resolved to stop the texting outside of work hours, I’m not going to lunch with her anymore or leaving the office at the same time. I’m hitting the gym instead. Comments have been made at work by other people, and I know she would be dynamite to my career, family, future… everything so it just can’t happen.

I’d really like to understand what’s happening here. Is it a mid-life crisis? Is self-esteem issues? I feel like its time for some introspection and self-improvement. Thanks for reading this far. Any comments most welcome.

LostAgain
Posts: 349
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by LostAgain » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:16 pm

You sound like Lester in 'American Beauty'
Just don't.

Idiotic
Posts: 1399
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by Idiotic » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:44 pm

LostAgain wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:16 pm
You sound like Lester in 'American Beauty'
Just don't.
For a second I was like , wasn't he a repressed gay man??how is that similar, then I remembered that was the neighbor.
American Beauty is a weird movie.
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

CarelessLove
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:20 pm

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by CarelessLove » Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:11 pm

You don’t say how your relationship with you wife is currently?

NVTS
Posts: 347
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by NVTS » Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:42 pm

MetsFan wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:25 am
Sorry, long-post…. :-*

I’m a married man about to hit 40, 2 kids, great job, house, cars etc. I’m currently in the middle of an LE for a co-worker half my age, who reports to me as well. Nothing has happened, I think she feels the same way, but then we all think that at some point, so who knows. To fully flesh this out though we need to go back 20 years (ironically to when current LO was born)….

My first LO was my university girlfriend. We split up and I became terribly limerent (I now realize). We tried to remain friends but this was a terrible decision. Everything I saw, touched, smelled reminded me of her. She started seeing another guy and it broke my heart. I couldn’t bring myself to be with anyone else, even though other girls tried. After I graduated I moved to New York, got a job and we were miles apart but I still thought of her every day. I had a 2 ½ year relationship with someone else but it didn’t get me over her.
10 years passed and I got married, started a family and the feelings had dulled but remained. All through my marriage I’ve thought of her as the one, even though my SO is a wonderful women, and we’re a good couple. 5 years ago I called her up out of the blue (she’s unhappily married with kids) and we met up for dinner – a bad decision as all the old feelings came back. We followed each other on social media and time has largely healed the wounds since.

By last year they had all but gone as a new LO had taken her place. A young girl at work who joined our team. On reflection, a carbon copy of the original LO in terms of looks and humour and at the same age that we were together – 19. The other similarity was that they both needed to be rescued by me (in my mind), I won’t go into specifics, but in both cases their relationship with me has helped their lives significantly (in different ways).

LO2 is inappropriate in every way, I know that, but she is hot, funny, smart and looks at me like no-one has ever done. We spend a lot of time together in the office and really enjoy each other’s company. We text at night and weekends and when we’re on vacation – not sexual or anything like that but plenty of non-work stuff, in-jokes etc. This LE has been going on for about a year.

About 9 months ago, LO1 contacted me out of the blue. Unusual for her as over the years it was always me checking in. It was quite intense straight away and she made it clear she wanted to see me. We met up, and it was fun and we resolved to do it again. She’s older of course, but still very attractive, fun and of course stirred up deeply held feelings. She knocked LO2 from my mind temporarily. We met up again for a weekend (she lives mid-west so we went to Chicago), stayed in a hotel and well, no need to spell out what happened….

After that a funny thing happened to me. I suddenly felt cured of LO1 after all these years. She had made it clear that she made the wrong decisions and should have spent her life with me, so with that and the sex it was like I’d achieved what I wanted - I got closure. It was amazing. Now don’t get me wrong, of course I felt terrible for cheating on my SO, but I also felt this was something I had to do.

So with LO1 switched off, LO2 has come roaring back. I’m now in fully fledged obsession stage. Thinking about her all the time, rehearsing disclosure conversations, getting jealous when some other guy at work talks to her, fantasising about going away together “on business”. I am at least also at the realization stage, and know I need to manage this somehow. I’ve resolved to stop the texting outside of work hours, I’m not going to lunch with her anymore or leaving the office at the same time. I’m hitting the gym instead. Comments have been made at work by other people, and I know she would be dynamite to my career, family, future… everything so it just can’t happen.

I’d really like to understand what’s happening here. Is it a mid-life crisis? Is self-esteem issues? I feel like its time for some introspection and self-improvement. Thanks for reading this far. Any comments most welcome.
Sounds like limerence to me! I can relate to 95% of your story. I haven’t EVER had anything physical with any LO and not sure if it would do me any good. I am a serial limerent so the “hot potato” effect sounds familiar to me, ie; LE going from one to another.

I had a 20+ year LE(longer than my marriage)until it was snuffed out by the latest LE which came outta nowhere.
Just saying that you are in the company of people who have been through similar situations... keep reading and posting.It will help, but probably not as instantly as you would like.
M-47-married
LO- married 47,work colleagues

MetsFan
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by MetsFan » Fri Aug 10, 2018 6:43 pm

CarelessLove wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:11 pm
You don’t say how your relationship with you wife is currently?
Great question. I love my wife, we’re good friends and have been together 14 years now, married 10. I was never limerent for her, we met in a bar, started dating and slipped into a relationship easily. Now we’re fine but the excitement is long gone, we’re the parents of our kids primarily, a couple second. She looks great for her age (40) and honestly probably has a better body than LO2 (shallow I know, but I’m just being honest). We had a big fight recently on vacation about where we’re headed and resolved to fight for the marriage which I really want to do. It’s just so hard to get LO2 out of my mind. I think about her all the time, including during sex with my wife. I want to remove her and concentrate on my wife.

Maddie
Posts: 611
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by Maddie » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:33 pm

I can very much relate MetsFan. This limerence thing is a bitch. I too am married and it hurts my soul that I consider doing things with my LO. Makes me feel insane. But the limerence began for me in a strange way followed by a random NC for like 5 months (just due to circumstances), but I never forgot about him. Fast forward to mid July when he FB messages me out of the blue asking me to come check out where he works (he is a mgr of a retail store). The feeling of getting that message from him was like the biggest hit of dopamine I've ever experienced in my life. It was beautiful and painful all in one, if that makes sense. My husband was lying right there in bed when I was reading that message. I felt like I should have been happier with my life as it was, instead of so intensely happy about this message. The fact that I had been waiting for it for months, probably added to the intensity. Well now things have heated up in a real way and I know what I need to do to save my sanity (and marriage), but I am headed straight down the rabbit hole. On a positive note, I began therapy this week, which should help....I just need to slooooooow down with him until I can make some steps in the right direction.

Welcome to the forum-- I hope it helps you. It definitely has helped me.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

MetsFan
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:23 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by MetsFan » Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:30 pm

Thanks Maddie. I totally relate to the dopamine hit. When she sends me a WhatsApp late at night or when she’s on vacation I’m on cloud nine. It’s always something irrelevant or silly but just the thought that she’s thinking about me, little ole me, gets me every time.

The thing is I don’t want to think like this, I want this person that i fantasise over to be my wife, not some girl half my age.

Maddie
Posts: 611
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by Maddie » Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:19 am

Amen to that!
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

JohnDeux
Posts: 1820
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: mid-life crisis?

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Aug 11, 2018 2:10 am

MetsFan, if you are able to move through the situation with LO1 without dire repercussions on you marriage and can work on that separately, I would say that you've been gifted rather awesomely by the universe here. You have a past LO that after years of longing and missed opportunity, you finally consummate with.....and !POOF!.... years (decades?) of limerent feelings around this LO pretty much evaporate overnight. Now you are

1) staring at an even more unobtainable LO,
2) gifted with the realization that she has numerous qualities that attracted you to previous LO, and
3) married, and at this point of what you've relayed, have an SO with whom you are quite compatible, although the 'vacation fight' may reveal some unexpressed issues between you.

There are several here who have used this similar opportunity to practice radical honesty with their spouse, spilling the beans and opting for the pain in the short term, with a far stronger marriage coming out the other end. (For the record, I'm not one of those people.) But at a minimum, consider that you have been given the benefit of consummating with a long-term LO and seen how ethereal and unsubstantial all of those feelings really were. Just my own opinion, but even the first obsession with original LO was possibly indicative of an unhealed wound from farther back in your past....and since that wound never was properly healed, second LO has brought it roaring to the forefront again. Hitting 40 will just add fuel to the flames unfortunately. Anyway, keep reading and writing and hopefully some sense will come through. My own experience....nothing will tank the limerent feelings immediately for this new LO. But with greater awareness about yourself and the basis for original LO, you will likely be able to turn the ship around over time for the better.

One last thing.....as innocent (or not!) as her own seeming interest might be, at her age, she has the *time* to play and dabble in the field of acquaintences. We geezers don't! To this day, I feel that my younger LOs were mostly innocent about what they were doing.....but they weren't limerent: *I* was! Best wishes!....
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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