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Emotionally exhausted

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
L-F
Posts: 1831
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by L-F » Mon Aug 13, 2018 1:22 am

Hey Stephen, I'm not sure if this will help, but there are plenty of stories like yours on Spiritual Forums where the wife believes LO is her soulmate/twin-flame. I can't say if they are correct or not however there are plenty people of who have been in your shoes.

I've come to realise there are two types (could be more?), ones who *want* to live the fantasy and those who do not. Some people actually struggle to wrap their heads around limerence (like myself) and want the support to fight it. I guess it boils down to what your wife wants?
whatever unfolds, I hope things work out.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

ReeledIn
Posts: 565
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Aug 13, 2018 5:21 am

Hi Stephen, I am someone who was in your wife's position not long ago and I would have run off with my affair partner if given the chance (only to regret it 2 months later there is NO DOUBT in my mind). However I was convinced he was my soul mate for a while - it was a fantasy, just as it is for your wife who might be on the verge of making a HUGE mistake that she will absolutely regret, assuming your marriage is as happy as you say.

My SO hung in there (even after I moved out!) and I'll tell you what really made me want him back in the end... his STRENGTH. His willingness to really open up and connect with me, to tell me how he felt.. and his strength and courage to hang in there without being a doormat. A few times when he thought our marriage was ending he said, "I've been thinking about traveling to S. America.. and I'm gonna do it.. with or without you." It was statements like that which showed me that he was resilient and that he was actually planning the future.. and I wasn't in it. That make my heart SINK and my anxiety spike. I realized in those moments that I'd have to find my way back to him.

So, when David says to muster up all the masculinity you can.. and when Crushed tells you to set boundaries, I must concur that this will help ... she needs to see you are no doormat.. and that you can also still sweep her off her feet and connect with her at a deep level. Look her in the eyes... show her that you still love her and adore her...and that you want her back, but that you re not going to be walked all over.

Limerent women (me included) will stay in limbo FOREVER if you let them.. there's an author named Michelle Lange who wrote about this... I wouldn't share it with your wife because she's not ready to hear about it. But you can check out her site here: http://womensinfidelity.com/

Learn what you can about women in limerence - but I'd keep it to yourself as she's just not going to listen right now. Focus on being strong. Show her you can actually survive without her, and that will help her see what she'll be missing. Hang in there! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Stephen
Posts: 56
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Thu Aug 16, 2018 4:20 am

I really appreciate everyone's support on here. It doesn't fix the problem, but it helps. It's so difficult because my wife has always been the person I speak to about everything. Now she is the source of the pain and gets upset at the simplest, most innocent question. She is an intelligent person, but when trying to have a rational conversation about our situation, it seems most (if not all) logic and reason is gone.

I just wanted to say thank you to all those who commented on my posts.

Affair survivor

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Affair survivor » Thu Aug 16, 2018 9:15 pm

So just about a year ago my husband asked me for a divorce not “in love” with me. At the time I had a broken ankle we also have a disabled adult child. He did not tell me that he had been communicating with his old college girlfriend (never heard her name). He just wanted a divorce. I was blown away even though he went to his college reunion a couple of months before and their were signs something was off. I wanted to work it out he said he would go to therapy. I went to Facebook email texts phone bills found all of the correspondence. Continued to monitor. I found out the truth lied about dates he went out with her. The correspondence was sickening on his end 16 year old bs she was flirting in beginning but was non responsive. He was obsessed with her. She finally dumped him in oct. he found out I had all the info before then photographed everything. He basically had been trying to improve himself is remorseful although I have been a mess. Therapy helped a lot if you wife agrees to therapy find a qualified specialist and b patient. It can work out there be understanding and forgiveness unfortunately u will never forget. But things can get better.

Stephen
Posts: 56
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Thu Aug 16, 2018 10:23 pm

Mine too came out of nowhere. I picked up on the unusual distant coldness I would feel from her. When I confronted her about it, she basically told me it's over. Fortunately, she was willing to listen and when I asked how she can just throw everything we done together away so easily without even fighting, I think it made her realise I wasn't going to give up easily. I don't feel she was expecting that reaction and it was enough for her to say she would fight too, but needs time/space. It's been a major roller coaster since then, one moment she says she's 99.9% sure we'll make it and the next days it inexplicably flips the other way. Talking doesn't go well EVER. She doesn't want to talk about any of it and even a simple, basic yes/no question yields an "I don't know" response. She gives me little to nothing in terms of saying anything hopeful. I believe she is deeply conflicted, but she knows what's right and wrong. I try my best to give her what she asks for and I may be stupid in doing so, but if we make it out, all this pain will be worthwhile. If not, I'm probably setting myself up for a world of hurt. Therapy is out of the question. I raised it twice now and got a "what for? how will that help" reply each time. She did say that she would be willing to go if we end up making it out of this.

ReeledIn
Posts: 565
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by ReeledIn » Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:28 am

@Affair survivor an Stephen...have you been to surviving infidelity.com by chance?
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Stephen
Posts: 56
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sat Aug 18, 2018 2:25 am

ReeledIn wrote:
Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:28 am
@Affair survivor an Stephen...have you been to surviving infidelity.com by chance?
I've not, but I will take a look. I just have a lot to deal with since she told me she's quitting on our relationship. Thanks for the link

ReeledIn
Posts: 565
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by ReeledIn » Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:57 pm

Stephen wrote:
Sat Aug 18, 2018 2:25 am
ReeledIn wrote:
Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:28 am
@Affair survivor an Stephen...have you been to surviving infidelity.com by chance?
I've not, but I will take a look. I just have a lot to deal with since she told me she's quitting on our relationship. Thanks for the link
Yes that is a VERY active forum with hundreds of betrayed spouses to help you. Some of them are VERY cynical, which I don't blame them for. Most of them are working through reconciliation and will tell you to stay focused on YOURSELF and do not cater to her needs. Stay strong. She WILL change her mind 100 times per day. She will contradict herself constantly.. I was there... I did it. I knew I was about to make a HUGE mistake, but I was willing to risk everything to do it for a fantasy. I have to believe she will come to her senses if your marriage is really that good. She's living in a fantasy right now. My heart goes out to you.

I hope she realizes that if she leaves you and then gets dumped by the new guy.. she'll be utterly ALONE in the world... I hope she's prepared for that.

Please read that article on the women's infidelity website I sent you.. there's an article for men whose wives are in an affair. They are in an state of limbo and often won't break out of limbo until they are forced to make a decision.

:ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug:
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Stephen
Posts: 56
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 9:54 pm
Gender:
Australia

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sat Aug 18, 2018 8:51 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Sat Aug 18, 2018 6:57 pm
Stephen wrote:
Sat Aug 18, 2018 2:25 am
ReeledIn wrote:
Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:28 am
@Affair survivor an Stephen...have you been to surviving infidelity.com by chance?
I've not, but I will take a look. I just have a lot to deal with since she told me she's quitting on our relationship. Thanks for the link
Yes that is a VERY active forum with hundreds of betrayed spouses to help you. Some of them are VERY cynical, which I don't blame them for. Most of them are working through reconciliation and will tell you to stay focused on YOURSELF and do not cater to her needs. Stay strong. She WILL change her mind 100 times per day. She will contradict herself constantly.. I was there... I did it. I knew I was about to make a HUGE mistake, but I was willing to risk everything to do it for a fantasy. I have to believe she will come to her senses if your marriage is really that good. She's living in a fantasy right now. My heart goes out to you.

I hope she realizes that if she leaves you and then gets dumped by the new guy.. she'll be utterly ALONE in the world... I hope she's prepared for that.

Please read that article on the women's infidelity website I sent you.. there's an article for men whose wives are in an affair. They are in an state of limbo and often won't break out of limbo until they are forced to make a decision.

:ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug:
Hi ReeledIn,

thank you so much for the kind words. I did look at the link you sent me and read those articles. It's frightening how predictable people act in this situation. I am guilty of everything on there. Many on this forum said to leave her alone, many articles I've read said the same, but even though you know it, putting it into practice is extremely difficult. I'm sure I didn't help.

I often wonder how she feels this guy is so perfect and they will live happily ever after. I would be surprised if it lasts half a year. I hate wishing anything bad for her, but it may be the only way to learn, like an addict who has to hit rock bottom before they wake up and seek help.

I'm working to put my life in order, but its not easy to find work, housing and a car in the next 4 days with such a heavy heart.

ReeledIn
Posts: 565
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by ReeledIn » Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:05 pm

Stephen wrote:
Sat Aug 18, 2018 8:51 pm

I'm working to put my life in order, but its not easy to find work, housing and a car in the next 4 days with such a heavy heart.
Holy cow that is a LOT to deal with. TOO much. If she is leaving then she should be moving out - but I am sure there is more to the story and you don't have time to tell it. Sending you empathy!!!!
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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