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Emotionally exhausted

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Nerissa
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Nerissa » Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:47 am

People are misunderstanding this poor poster. It’s his wife who is involved in the early stages of an affair, not him.

Pudding
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Pudding » Sun Aug 12, 2018 2:34 pm

Nerissa wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:47 am
People are misunderstanding this poor poster. It’s his wife who is involved in the early stages of an affair, not him.
Exactly!
F 38
LO is M 35, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(

Stephen
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sun Aug 12, 2018 3:04 pm

Nerissa wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:47 am
People are misunderstanding this poor poster. It’s his wife who is involved in the early stages of an affair, not him.
Nerissa, thank you. I appreciate that.

Maybe I wasn't very clear in my rambling posts, but my wife told me she has feelings for an old boyfriend and is thinking of breaking our happy marriage. I am desperately trying to do anything I can to save it. I want her to see and think this through rationally, but feel I'm losing the battle. I'm giving her time/space as she asked, but I'm not sure if she's fighting more to stay or go...

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David
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by David » Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:02 pm

Humble apologies for not staying on track with your OP Stephen. Not sure why I got hijacked :-\

Any chance you can get your SO to read some of these comments?

My comments about masculinity though still apply, irrespective of whose got the limerence.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Stephen
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:07 pm

David wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 5:02 pm
Humble apologies for not staying on track with your OP Stephen. Not sure why I got hijacked :-\

Any chance you can get your SO to read some of these comments?
Hi David, thank you and no worries.

I told her about limerence and told her she should look it up because a lot apply to what is going on in our relationship now. I read through so many great articles on here and all over the internet about this. I offered to send her some of the better ones I've come across, but she isn't interested. She tells me "what good will that do" and "this isn't the same thing". I asked if she would be willing to go to see someone together and got the same response. I told her I can't force her to do either one, but sometimes someone who isn't as involved can say something that will open your eyes to something you haven't thought of. Another issue I'm facing is that she has really been into spiritual/meditation/horoscope/astrology type things lately. While I support her in that, I can't but help feel it's working against me. A vague question gets a vague answer that can be interpreted anyway someone wants to understand it and because emotional thinking rules right now, it seems to be convincing her the other guy is what she needs.
Last edited by Stephen on Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CrushedSO
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by CrushedSO » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:08 pm

Hi Stephen! The feeling of betrayal is terrible. An ugly, unrelenting feeling that rips you into pieces. I’ve been there too. Sometimes I’m still there.....maybe I’m still there and just used to it??

Anyways, your wife is being honest with you which is a good sign. You need to set a boundary, a wall of steel. If it were me (and it was in late 2017), I would support my wife but also say crystal clearly that if she does not immediately cease all contact with her affair partner she can leave right now. Not negotiable. If she packs up and leaves that’s on her, and not because you were “strict” or “mean, and didn’t support her”. She is betraying you. You can support her through the mind-fuck known as limerence, but you don’t have to be her doormat and tolerate her continued contact with this man, her emotional affair partner.

Stephen
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:43 pm

CrushedSO wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:08 pm
Anyways, your wife is being honest with you which is a good sign. You need to set a boundary, a wall of steel. If it were me (and it was in late 2017), I would support my wife but also say crystal clearly that if she does not immediately cease all contact with her affair partner she can leave right now. Not negotiable. If she packs up and leaves that’s on her, and not because you were “strict” or “mean, and didn’t support her”. She is betraying you. You can support her through the mind-fuck known as limerence, but you don’t have to be her doormat and tolerate her continued contact with this man, her emotional affair partner.
Hey Crushed,

I do feel there are some hopeful spots, but they seem to be shrinking. I'm not always sure how much of that is on me or her at times. I know I do tend to over-analyse everything that is said, not said, done, and not done when I feel panicked like this. Betrayed is probably the best word to describe what I feel. I've read the ultimatum thing a number of times and I struggle with it. I am willing to give her time and space, but it's really testing my patience. It may come to that at some point, but I'm just not there yet. We are still talking and I am willing to endure more pain if progress is being made. It's just not happening at the speed I would like it to.

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CrushedSO
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by CrushedSO » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:59 pm

Stephen wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:43 pm
CrushedSO wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:08 pm
Anyways, your wife is being honest with you which is a good sign. You need to set a boundary, a wall of steel. If it were me (and it was in late 2017), I would support my wife but also say crystal clearly that if she does not immediately cease all contact with her affair partner she can leave right now. Not negotiable. If she packs up and leaves that’s on her, and not because you were “strict” or “mean, and didn’t support her”. She is betraying you. You can support her through the mind-fuck known as limerence, but you don’t have to be her doormat and tolerate her continued contact with this man, her emotional affair partner.
Hey Crushed,

I do feel there are some hopeful spots, but they seem to be shrinking. I'm not always sure how much of that is on me or her at times. I know I do tend to over-analyse everything that is said, not said, done, and not done when I feel panicked like this. Betrayed is probably the best word to describe what I feel. I've read the ultimatum thing a number of times and I struggle with it. I am willing to give her time and space, but it's really testing my patience. It may come to that at some point, but I'm just not there yet. We are still talking and I am willing to endure more pain if progress is being made. It's just not happening at the speed I would like it to.
Because you’re allowing her to continue. It’s going at her pace, and she is most likely vacillating back and forth while you bear the brunt of the pain. You need to take control of your half of the equation.

Do you think when I set up the boundary that I wanted my wife to leave? God no. It would have crushed me. It would have been more painful to allow her to continue and to be honest it would have prolonged everything and I couldn’t live with myself. I had to stand up for myself, my dignity was worth more than the fear of losing my marriage.

Why are you willing to endure more pain? Is it because it is familiar? Better to go with the devil you know (pain) than the one you don’t (setting up firm boundary with authority).

I’m sorry if this post seems a bit harsh, it’s just that setting up and asserting healthy boundaries is SO IMPORTANT!

Stephen
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by Stephen » Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:52 am

I just feel an ultimatum saying stay or go would be counter productive in my case and only give her an easy out. I told her that I'll stay and be patient, but only if she feels our marriage is worth fighting for. Otherwise there is no reason for me to stay. She agreed to this which to me means there is still something there that she sees value in keeping. That may all change tonight or tomorrow, but for now we have an agreement.

What I really struggle to understand is this old boyfriend. For any of you reading this who can relate, please help me understand. How can someone obsess over a boyfriend from so long ago? I find this really strange. She says she is sure they are meant to be together, she says she knows this without a doubt and supposedly this guy "has never gotten over her" either. How is it possible to say that about somebody you only had a short relationship with over a decade ago? If that didn't last then, it was a bad breakup, you never got back together since and have only had limited contact until recently, how can you say you're sure it will work now after all this time to grow even further apart? How come you don't feel so confident that you have a great, loving, caring, understanding marriage and you'll let nothing or nobody stand in it's way? You know what you have, you only think you know what you want.

I told her if she really wants to fight she needs to give herself an opportunity to let this guy go. I told her she will never be able to do that as long as she keeps him close on Facebook or in any other way. She hated the comparison of an addict, but I told her to think of it in that way because if alcohol was ruining your life and you knew you should quit, keeping a bottle nearby would be a bad choice and only tempt you. She of course disagreed with this comparison because "it's nothing like that". It's hard to fight emotion.

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CrushedSO
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Re: Emotionally exhausted

Post by CrushedSO » Mon Aug 13, 2018 1:10 am

Stephen wrote:
Mon Aug 13, 2018 12:52 am
I just feel an ultimatum saying stay or go would be counter productive in my case and only give her an easy out. I told her that I'll stay and be patient, but only if she feels our marriage is worth fighting for. Otherwise there is no reason for me to stay. She agreed to this which to me means there is still something there that she sees value in keeping. That may all change tonight or tomorrow, but for now we have an agreement.

What I really struggle to understand is this old boyfriend. For any of you reading this who can relate, please help me understand. How can someone obsess over a boyfriend from so long ago? I find this really strange. She says she is sure they are meant to be together, she says she knows this without a doubt and supposedly this guy "has never gotten over her" either. How is it possible to say that about somebody you only had a short relationship with over a decade ago? If that didn't last then, it was a bad breakup, you never got back together since and have only had limited contact until recently, how can you say you're sure it will work now after all this time to grow even further apart? How come you don't feel so confident that you have a great, loving, caring, understanding marriage and you'll let nothing or nobody stand in it's way? You know what you have, you only think you know what you want.

I told her if she really wants to fight she needs to give herself an opportunity to let this guy go. I told her she will never be able to do that as long as she keeps him close on Facebook or in any other way. She hated the comparison of an addict, but I told her to think of it in that way because if alcohol was ruining your life and you knew you should quit, keeping a bottle nearby would be a bad choice and only tempt you. She of course disagreed with this comparison because "it's nothing like that". It's hard to fight emotion.
She is limerent. Full-blown limerent, in all its deluded glory. You can’t get through to her. No one can. She believes with every ounce of her being that she is meant to be with this guy. Everything and everyone else pales in comparison. She has been semi limerent for years and has now relapsed. You were bang on to call her an addict. It’s ugly and she doesn’t want to hear it, but it’s true. She needs more of that.

She could do well with a dose of reality, it’s what all of us limerents desperately need to snap us the hell out of the destructive fog. That’s why I feel the boundary is so important. Demand no contact. If she cannot or will not comply, SHE leaves.

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