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Sex with husband

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Ballgown
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:17 am
Gender:
Great Britain

Sex with husband

Post by Ballgown » Mon Aug 06, 2018 4:17 pm

I have been harsh on myself and stopped all sexual fantasies about LO. The LE is extremely sexual on my part and I know he feels the same attraction. I’m trying to change my mindset. This has had a bad effect on my sex drive but is a necessity. Since this time a week ago my husband has had trouble in that department, something that has never been an issue before. Could he be picking up on my feelings. Previously if i’ve not been fully enthusiastic I have managed to fake it and all has been fine. Could I be giving off something more without realising? It isn’t helping my recovery suddenly having issues with my husband in that department.

Pudding
Posts: 652
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Sex with husband

Post by Pudding » Mon Aug 06, 2018 4:50 pm

My LE has been largely sexual and I too have had it affect things with DH. I simply don’t feel attracted to him at all anymore. I’ve tried thinking about LO when I’m with DH and that doesn’t help, but neither does trying to be in the moment with DH and pushing off fantasies of LO. It’s frustrating and makes me feel horrible.
F 38
LO is M 35, my son’s former teacher
NC for six weeks

MrSpock
Posts: 485
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: Sex with husband

Post by MrSpock » Mon Aug 06, 2018 5:29 pm

Hi,

Though I'm a male, I can totally relate to what you're saying.

While my LE is essentially platonic in the sense that I had almost no interaction with LO except for a few minutes of conversation (and while in a group of people), I could easily realize that it is basically a matter of sexual attraction. Then I realize that I'm not sexually attracted to me wife anymore, like at all, which is pretty much how you feel.

However, at some point I noticed that LO is not the only super hot, beautiful girl in my circles, so it couldn't be just that; eventually I was able to recognize the longing for a deep romantic connection riding along in the sexual attraction. Interestingly, in my case, I'm extremely lucky enough to have a loving wife such that the lack of connection is entirely from my side (resulting from FOO issues). It is (hopefully soon, "was") me the one putting up a wall between wife and I.

Eventually, I wondered the following: if the intense sexual attraction to LO is really fueled by a deep need to romantically connect, could I, somehow, sort of skip the (non existent) sexual attraction to DW and get directly to the connection by means of making love? In other words, could making love to DW prove great even without the sexual attraction?

A few months ago I decided to try that, as a way of experiment, so I started to initiate the love making with DW at least every weekend. And guess what? it seems to work! Is a different drive, not like how I wanted it when we where younger (a lot younger), when it was mainly sexual, but is nonetheless great. A different sort of great, but great all the same. And interestingly, while I don't start it from being sexually excited, the purely sexual component shows up, in full, right after the body starts to react to what we're doing.

In simpler words, it appears that I discovered that you don't need sexual attraction in order to have a great sexual experience, provided there is something else, love, in the menu.

Ballgown
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:17 am
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Sex with husband

Post by Ballgown » Mon Aug 06, 2018 7:06 pm

Hi pudding, my LE is very similar to yours. I did however really enjoy sex with my husband pre LE and even more so during it due to fantasising about LO. I wonder if I should allow myself to think of LO again in a sexual way to fix the problems with my husband. It feels like it will just make the situation worse though.

Mr Spock, thank you for the advice, I will try to do that. Maybe set the scene more too. It really resonated with me when you talked of a longing for a deep romantic connection. I want to be seen again and to feel that someone is as mesmerised by me as I am by them. That is what I felt I’d found. What is missing in my life I don’t know!
Last edited by Ballgown on Tue Aug 07, 2018 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

MrSpock
Posts: 485
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: Sex with husband

Post by MrSpock » Mon Aug 06, 2018 7:26 pm

Ballgown wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 7:06 pm
Maybe set the scene more too.
Right!
Ballgown wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 7:06 pm
It really resonated with me when you talked of a longing for a deep romantic connection. I want to be seen again and to feel that someone is as mesmerised by me as I am by them. That is what I felt I’d found. What is missing in my life I don’t know!
Exactly!

Something else that I started doing is taking my wife on a proper date at least twice a month. At our age (we're both 47), is not that we'd go out to dance until the sun comes up (as I used to), but we try to make it as a proper date as possible (we've been to a karaoke, to hard-rock, to a motel, etc...) :ymparty:

I figured that if I can't have the cake and eat it to (both DW and LO), at least I'll have a pancake B-)

Maddie
Posts: 438
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Sex with husband

Post by Maddie » Mon Aug 06, 2018 7:55 pm

I love what you said, Spock.

And ditto to what Ballgown and Pudding posted. I'm experiencing a lot of similar issues and trying to work on them.
39, F
LO, 50 , M
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human-- Robert Johnson

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