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New here with husband in affair fog

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
utterlylost
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New here with husband in affair fog

Post by utterlylost » Sun Aug 05, 2018 7:41 pm

I am new here and still in shock. My husband of 10 years (we've been together for 13) dropped a bombshell on me 3 weeks ago that he was in love with his co-worker and leaving me and our 7 year old son to move to NYC to live with her. I know he only slept with her once and most of their affair was an EA with them texted and working together. It's shocking he would abandon us for this situation. The next day he told our son we were divorcing and he was moving to NYC to live with the LO. He left that night.
This week he sent me an email that he hired a lawyer and sent me information on how he wanted to divorce and file jointly. It was so cruel and cold- and rather aggressive.
I have spoken to him on the phone only a couple of times- initially he was cold, cruel, and distant. Yesterday and the day before he was friendly- guarded but friendly. We mostly talked about a visit he wants to make in less than two weeks to see our son.
My initial responses and communication with him were shock, desperation, begging, etc. I know that doesn't help- I was desperate and lost. Now I am trying to focus on getting the house fixed up, being the healthiest version of myself, and taking good care of our son.
What can I do? I do not want a divorce- this is not who my husband is at all- he is a very good person who loves us and I know he is hurting and thinks this life in NYC with his LO is the answer to his problems. Maybe this is also a midlife crisis with limerence. I won't talk about the divorce with him- I'm meeting with a lawyer for answers before he visits and in case I need one but I absolutely do not want to divorce. I want him to wake up from this nightmare and come back to us and we can rebuild a new marriage and heal. Any advice is appreciated- I am so scared and lost. Please tell me there is some hope at all?

crushed1234
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by crushed1234 » Sun Aug 05, 2018 8:08 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting.

You can tell your SO about this site but chances are that he’s convinced he’s found his magical other and he won’t be ready to hear anything David and this forum has to say. I was just posting on a different thread how close I came to make the call to run off with my LO myself. Now I’ll be forever thankful that I didn’t. It might take years for him to realize what he did, if ever. Have you suggested marriage counselling? I have a feeling it would fall on deaf ears. Remember that is affair and betrayal is all on him. It takes two to create a dysfunctional marriage but him running off with LO has to do with him. What you can do is work on yourself, do your own heavy lifting for yourself and your son.

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CrushedSO
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by CrushedSO » Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:04 am

Please tell your husband that he is an idiot for me.

I’ve been the wayward husband. Thankfully I didn’t destroy my family though....thank god. I understand the allure and connection all too well, but ultimately it is an illusion.

This must be so terrible for you! Lean on whoever you can for support, even this forum, or therapy or anything. This will be one of the hardest things you’ll go through.

As for your husband, he will continue along this path until it becomes too painful to continue. It might be soon or he might have to go through several failed marriages. He will never find what he is looking for so long as looks externally for it.


In the meantime, all you can do is work on you (as useless as it that sounds right now, it’s true). You’ve got so much to process, focus on you.

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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by David » Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:57 am

Welcome UL and sad to read of your situation.

I wish there were a wakeup pill that could bring people that are in the fog of limerence to their senses. Rarely if ever does running off with the AP end well especially when children are involved. Each person in the fog believes they are the one exception to the rule - that they have found their magical other, the one person that makes them feel complete. This is such flawed thinking as the moment we depend upon another to make us feel anything, we are giving our agency away.

As others have said, all you can do is work on yourself to be the best person you can be.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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utterlylost
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by utterlylost » Mon Aug 06, 2018 9:27 pm

Thank you everyone. I am focusing on myself and our son and surviving. We don't live near any family (we moved across the country years ago to pursue careers) and now I am a stay at home mom so I'm it. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable- he makes much more money than I do (one of the reasons we decided I could quit my job 5 years ago). Our marriage wasn't perfect but we just celebrated our 10th anniversary and he wrote the most beautiful love letter to me and we had an amazing weekend trip together at the end of May. Two weeks later he went to NYC and thats when he cheated. Then he moved out 7/13. I'm hoping that now that he's moved in with his LO that they see each other for who they are and this dissolves. She is flighty and young and not very mature- she stopped talking to her previous boyfriend until he moved out (she's 25). She knows me and my son- she met us when she came out for a work event and sat at my kitchen counter. It blows my mind.
My son talks to my husband almost everyday. At one point my husband told my son he might be getting his own place soon. I thought he wanted to live happily ever after with this LO- it makes me wonder if she doesn't want to live with him. Now with school starting- my son can't talk to my husband everyday. My husband is planning to come visit in about a week and a half- he's staying in a hotel, will take my son out mostly.
Aside from being the best I can be- any other advice?

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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by mamasita » Mon Aug 06, 2018 9:57 pm

My advise is to get a therapist. For you.
I would try as hard as you can to focus on you and not your husband. Counseling should be your first step. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

utterlylost
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by utterlylost » Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:13 pm

Thank you- that was the first thing I sought out was a therapist and I am looking for one for my son as well.

utterlylost
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by utterlylost » Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:39 am

CrushedSO wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:04 am
Please tell your husband that he is an idiot for me.

I’ve been the wayward husband. Thankfully I didn’t destroy my family though....thank god. I understand the allure and connection all too well, but ultimately it is an illusion.

This must be so terrible for you! Lean on whoever you can for support, even this forum, or therapy or anything. This will be one of the hardest things you’ll go through.

As for your husband, he will continue along this path until it becomes too painful to continue. It might be soon or he might have to go through several failed marriages. He will never find what he is looking for so long as looks externally for it.


In the meantime, all you can do is work on you (as useless as it that sounds right now, it’s true). You’ve got so much to process, focus on you.
Can I ask how long you were a WS for? Will there be any signs I can look for that suggest he's coming out of limerence? I'm seeing a therapist once a week and doing everything in my power to keep the house going and take care of our 7 year old son. My son doesn't really understand things I don't think- he says he isn't sad but I know he is really missing his Dad- they had such a close bond. Every day I'm met with things that we used to do together and now I'm doing just about everything alone. I'm a stay at home mom with a small side business and I'm trying to see if I can apply and get a decent job. I am doing all I can to delay divorce but my SO has been so irrational and cruel toward me- I can't predict if we'll end up homeless and it feels like he wouldn't care. We will only be seeing him one weekend a month- he is living with the LO. I feel like I can barely fight this war against limerence.

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CrushedSO
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by CrushedSO » Sun Aug 12, 2018 9:30 pm

utterlylost wrote:
Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:39 am
CrushedSO wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:04 am
Please tell your husband that he is an idiot for me.

I’ve been the wayward husband. Thankfully I didn’t destroy my family though....thank god. I understand the allure and connection all too well, but ultimately it is an illusion.

This must be so terrible for you! Lean on whoever you can for support, even this forum, or therapy or anything. This will be one of the hardest things you’ll go through.

As for your husband, he will continue along this path until it becomes too painful to continue. It might be soon or he might have to go through several failed marriages. He will never find what he is looking for so long as looks externally for it.


In the meantime, all you can do is work on you (as useless as it that sounds right now, it’s true). You’ve got so much to process, focus on you.
Can I ask how long you were a WS for? Will there be any signs I can look for that suggest he's coming out of limerence? I'm seeing a therapist once a week and doing everything in my power to keep the house going and take care of our 7 year old son. My son doesn't really understand things I don't think- he says he isn't sad but I know he is really missing his Dad- they had such a close bond. Every day I'm met with things that we used to do together and now I'm doing just about everything alone. I'm a stay at home mom with a small side business and I'm trying to see if I can apply and get a decent job. I am doing all I can to delay divorce but my SO has been so irrational and cruel toward me- I can't predict if we'll end up homeless and it feels like he wouldn't care. We will only be seeing him one weekend a month- he is living with the LO. I feel like I can barely fight this war against limerence.
My affair was with a coworker and it was a god-awful mess by the end. Start to finish was about 10 months or so, with a three month break in the middle.

I was 34 at the time with two young kids and affair partner was a 25 year old single female. I was so close to pulling the plug on my marriage to be with her. I am so glad I didn’t. In the end I couldn’t stand the torment of limerence so I went no contact.

I don’t really know what to tell you about your husband. He probably thinks he’s met his soulmate and all that limerent delusional crap. He may come of out of it soon, but he will probably need to hit rock bottom first.

Is he still supporting you & your son financially? I hope he is. I understand you don’t want a divorce, but it sounds like he is so thick in the fog he has made up his mind. I feel for you, I really do.

utterlylost
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Re: New here with husband in affair fog

Post by utterlylost » Mon Aug 27, 2018 10:45 pm

My affair was with a coworker and it was a god-awful mess by the end. Start to finish was about 10 months or so, with a three month break in the middle.

I was 34 at the time with two young kids and affair partner was a 25 year old single female. I was so close to pulling the plug on my marriage to be with her. I am so glad I didn’t. In the end I couldn’t stand the torment of limerence so I went no contact.

I don’t really know what to tell you about your husband. He probably thinks he’s met his soulmate and all that limerent delusional crap. He may come of out of it soon, but he will probably need to hit rock bottom first.

Is he still supporting you & your son financially? I hope he is. I understand you don’t want a divorce, but it sounds like he is so thick in the fog he has made up his mind. I feel for you, I really do.
Thanks for sharing your story- it sounds similar to my situation. My husband is 36 and we have one child- married for 10 years. His LO is a co-worker 25 and single- he moved into her apartment across the country in NJ, that lease came up and they moved to a new place in Brooklyn, now she got a job in Boston and they are moving there together in September (he told his work everything and is planning to work remotely). He came back here for a visit with our son and he was in all new clothes and not at all like himself. It was like having a stranger here and he stayed in a hotel and would not eat any food I made. He is talking about skipping next month's visit and coming for my son's birthday in October for his next visit. It is utterly devastating because he was such an incredible father and partner and this is so against who he is. My son is very confused and doesn't really understand- they used to be so so close.

I'm doing my best to delay divorce because I'm a stay at home mom with a small side business and don't make much money- he has been the breadwinner a long time and makes a good salary in tech. He is continuing to pay the bills and send us money but he has brought up the lawyer/divorce 2-3 times. Divorce would crush me in this state (NV) and I am very worried for the future of myself and my son. I would get very little alimony and we would likely lose everything we have worked so hard together for all these years. I've worked hard to focus on me and getting the house in really good shape no matter what happens and taking care of our son. We have no family out here so it has been extremely hard being a sudden single parent. I know now from the research I've done- this fog has to run it's course and I can't do anything to help him. If he lives with the LO- is there a chance that the fog will end sooner? I wish he had come to me when he even had these feelings to begin with. The LO isn't even someone I ever felt like would be someone he would think is attractive- she's very plain and not at all his type (I met her in person when she came here for a company event). They don't really seem to have very much in common at all and he seems to be changing himself to fit in with her. She also seems threatened by our son which is scary.

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