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For anyone contemplating an affair

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ReeledIn
Posts: 385
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For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by ReeledIn » Tue Jul 31, 2018 7:02 am

Public post for regisrants and lurkers...I have lived the affair (as the cheater) and wholeheartedly agree with his comments..and he's lived both sides.

Amen, Mark Smith! (a licensed therapist fyi) ^:)^


47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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CrushedSO
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Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jul 31, 2018 6:29 pm

Great video! I’ve been both too. Just don’t do it. It’s not worth it. It cannot be undone.

L-F
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Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by L-F » Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:51 pm

We (SO and I) have some straightforward rules on cheating.
Cheat and the relationship is over.

This rule came about after our first rule of: disclosing should we feel the need to cheat.   Disclosing our need to cheat meant that out of respect, we were giving each other the chance to look at what relationship and individual needs were going unmet. I think I was 19 when we made this rule.

That's why I disclosed limerence to SO.

The rule 'cheat and you are out' is based on the following assumptions:
We are adults.
We make a conscious decision to remove our panties (note: coercion and rape do not fall under our definition of cheating).
We have free will.
There is no such thing as 'accidentally cheating', or 'it just happened'.


The one cheated on decides what steps to take next and the cheater must respect this decision - the decision being to either stay and work on the relationship or make the final curtain call. 

To simplify it even further we agreed that the cheater has no right to drag their partner thru their crap.
The cheater has no right to blame their partner due to the first rule of disclosing out of respect for the relationship.
The  cheater should not beg, justify or blame under the assumption of free will.

These rules came about when we decided we didn't want our children subjected to 'affair fallout'.

I've witnessed domestic violence due to affairs.   Let me give you a better picture.   Mother being dragged by hair around the house and had her face smashed into walls and doors.   Doors especially because of the door handles.

Both parents taking us to their 'friends house' and told to play outside while the adults got busy playing inside.

Yes, we like to keep things simple.  SO does not want another man's penis inside his wife.  If that happens... say goodbye to relationship. Don't blame him!  These rules are our rules and work for us.  We don't need drama upon drama, life is complicated enough, thus there are no 'grey' areas when it comes to cheating.

My father once told me 'a wise man learns from the mistake of others'.  Thanks dad!  You were a great teacher.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

ReeledIn
Posts: 385
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Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by ReeledIn » Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:44 pm

L-F wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 12:51 pm
We (SO and I) have some straightforward rules on cheating.
Cheat and the relationship is over.

This rule came about after our first rule of: disclosing should we feel the need to cheat.   Disclosing our need to cheat meant that out of respect, we were giving each other the chance to look at what relationship and individual needs were going unmet. I think I was 19 when we made this rule.

That's why I disclosed limerence to SO.

The rule 'cheat and you are out' is based on the following assumptions:
We are adults.
We make a conscious decision to remove our panties (note: coercion and rape do not fall under our definition of cheating).
We have free will.
There is no such thing as 'accidentally cheating', or 'it just happened'.


The one cheated on decides what steps to take next and the cheater must respect this decision - the decision being to either stay and work on the relationship or make the final curtain call. 

To simplify it even further we agreed that the cheater has no right to drag their partner thru their crap.
The cheater has no right to blame their partner due to the first rule of disclosing out of respect for the relationship.
The  cheater should not beg, justify or blame under the assumption of free will.

These rules came about when we decided we didn't want our children subjected to 'affair fallout'.

I've witnessed domestic violence due to affairs.   Let me give you a better picture.   Mother being dragged by hair around the house and had her face smashed into walls and doors.   Doors especially because of the door handles.

Both parents taking us to their 'friends house' and told to play outside while the adults got busy playing inside.

Yes, we like to keep things simple.  SO does not want another man's penis inside his wife.  If that happens... say goodbye to relationship. Don't blame him!  These rules are our rules and work for us.  We don't need drama upon drama, life is complicated enough, thus there are no 'grey' areas when it comes to cheating.

My father once told me 'a wise man learns from the mistake of others'.  Thanks dad!  You were a great teacher.
What's funny is that I think every married person (including me) believes or believed this at some point..until it happens to them....and then one never really knows how they will react or what they will do.

Black & white rules can't always be applied in these situations, and many marriages actually improve after an affair because the couple is forced to each work on themselves and learn to honestly communicate.

Obviously, it's better to figure this out BEFORE an affair happens (duh), but not all couples are as open or "evolved" as you and SO. Not all couple recognize warning signs (like lack of connection) consciously until someone comes along in the way of an AP who holds up a magnifying glass to the lack of connection in your marriage. (Not gonna debate how that magnifying glass should be handled.....I think the video says it all.)

Thousands (millions?) of people say "I would never take them back," yet marriage counselors who specialize in affair recovery are everywhere...and they are busy people with no shortage of clients. ..so it's an ideal that not every couple can live up to when it actually happens.

It is AMAZING how this experience has helped me see almost everything in the world as gray, not black and white. I guess that's just me and my "alley cat morals" speaking again. I am such a heathen. Lol. :ymdevil:
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

L-F
Posts: 1734
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by L-F » Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:57 pm

In short, these rules came about as a way to protect the children (should we have any, which we did). Our main focus was not dragging children into a horrid experience of affair fallout.

Mind you, we were adult enough to recognize that not all relationships last. I think we are quite pragmatic in that sense. We also talked about the need to separate in a fashion that would see the children's emotional needs put first since having been traumatised by divorce ourselves.

Affairs and divorce rules were all about protecting the children. Not that divorce was unhealthy. I don't think either of us has ever been scared of living on our own. Tis all about the children in our little lives :)
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

L-F
Posts: 1734
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by L-F » Mon Aug 13, 2018 11:42 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:44 pm

Obviously, it's better to figure this out BEFORE an affair happens (duh)
ya think?

I'm glad I don't need a qualified therapist to tell me affairs are not a good option.

I was watching a clip about narcs and apparently those who lie and cheat fall under malignant narc category. But am not sure if this applies to all cheaters and liars. Because apparently a narc has no regard for their partner, choosing to act out instead.

I know my exboss said her husband was a malignant narc and she quickly rushed to claim the title codependent. Her ex husband also claimed he was the victim. Both rushed to claim the victim position - possibly validation and empathy seeking? Makes me wonder who is telling the truth. Now that's a grey area.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

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Lim
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 7:54 pm
United States of America

Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by Lim » Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:50 am

L-F wrote:
Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:57 pm
In short, these rules came about as a way to protect the children (should we have any, which we did). Our main focus was not dragging children into a horrid experience of affair fallout.

Mind you, we were adult enough to recognize that not all relationships last. I think we are quite pragmatic in that sense. We also talked about the need to separate in a fashion that would see the children's emotional needs put first since having been traumatised by divorce ourselves.

Affairs and divorce rules were all about protecting the children. Not that divorce was unhealthy. I don't think either of us has ever been scared of living on our own. Tis all about the children in our little lives :)
Wow, thank you for thinking so much about your children. If anything is stopping me from going further with my married professor it's his kids. I remember all too well what my house was like after both my mom and my dad's affairs. Like you, I witnessed many many many violent and scary fights. My heart still revs up when I sense the slightest discord between my parents. There was biting, kicking, punching, blood, holes in walls, crying and cursing; I was always being forced to say terrible things and defend terrible, abusive acts; I had to dissociate from myself when I said these things and I'd feel so much guilt and self-hatred for being to afraid to say what I really believed and protect my parent; confused about the fact thatt my mom was the more violent, raging one; and then the embarrassment of walking past the neighbors the next day. I still have nightmares about my parent fighting.

Anyway, I didn't have it as bad as a lot of you, but I feel very traumatized by it to this day. Especially because I haven't seen my father in a couple of years and, because he hurt my mother so badly, I am not really allowed to express any loving feelings toward him without causing her extreme pain and anger. Maybe I'll write a post about it just to remind myself why I cannot under any circumstances go any further with this.

In short, don't have an affair! Get a divorce if you have to and please try not to fight in front of the kids.
I’m a 21 year old female (single).
My LO is a 54 year old male (married w/ kids).

ReeledIn
Posts: 385
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Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by ReeledIn » Tue Aug 14, 2018 1:17 am

@Lim ur childbood.sounds pretty horrific...between this post and the one about borderline rage. Holy moly. I have only recently learned about borderline...i had heard of it but never really delved in to learn more. I can't say that I have ever really known a BPD. I consider myself lucky! I am so sorry you went through that.

I have no kids..but yes i have met people whose parent had an affair and it deeply affected them. Many become unfaithful themselves.

I think one thing to remember is that people while in affairs are just completely off their rocker in the fog. I even read an article recently about "situational narcissism" that said anyone in an affair is being very narcissistic at the time of the affair due to the neurotransmiitters. It can turn the most amazingly wonderful people into monsters....until the dopamine, etc stops flowing.

@LF, yep it is tough to tell sometimes who the narc actually is in there relationships unless you know the couple well. Generally ...if someone actually IS a narc they won't take any of the blame for ANYthing and will refuse to work on theselves and never apologize...and their victim card is usually the biggest, most convincing one played, which is the reason for the biggest gray area of them all ....cognitive dissonance...which most "narc abuse" survivors will have for years or decades until they get out of the relationship.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

L-F
Posts: 1734
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: For anyone contemplating an affair

Post by L-F » Tue Aug 14, 2018 9:25 pm

That's true Reel and I can't imagine how difficult it is to be in that situation. My heart goes out to everyone caught up in the horrid abuse cycle.

[Edited to remove work story]

To me all those who suffer limerence are walking wounded and have yet to emotionally grow into healthy beings, hence my posts that may come across as harsh. Obviously my way of trying to slip in little wakeup calls. I agree they can challenge us though I see that as a good thing. Because at the end of the day, if we (self included) don't wake up, all we are doing is transferring our wounds to the next generation. And if that happens ppl like me find employment. I want a world where ppl like me are not needed. Love is powerful! And I pray everyday we can all listen to that unheard child within.

Much love to you Reel and Lim, and to everyone who is suffering.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

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