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Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Ivanhoe
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Ivanhoe » Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:17 pm

Agree with Nerissa. He’s not passing judgement, he’s worried.

I would delete everything. Why bother keeping it? You already know what you’ve said to him and what he’s said to you. If he ever calls or texts (and my advice would be only then - this is ALL about you and your health, remember. He’s both a projection of [probably] Dad and a blockade against your healing) you can casually mention “btw I immediately deleted everything you sent me after our last conversation - if you are concerned.”
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Charm
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:50 pm

Ivanhoe wrote:
Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:17 pm
Agree with Nerissa. He’s not passing judgement, he’s worried.

I would delete everything. Why bother keeping it? You already know what you’ve said to him and what he’s said to you. If he ever calls or texts (and my advice would be only then - this is ALL about you and your health, remember. He’s both a projection of [probably] Dad and a blockade against your healing) you can casually mention “btw I immediately deleted everything you sent me after our last conversation - if you are concerned.”
OK - will do! Thank you to you both
He wont be in touch - he left the door open for me to call if i wish so I’ll just bite my tongue but so badly tempted to inform him
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Ivanhoe
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Location: Southwest US
Gender:
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Ivanhoe » Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:01 am

The sign of health will be when you don’t care about informing him. ^:)^
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:05 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:01 am
The sign of health will be when you don’t care about informing him. ^:)^
Yes agree - definitely far from healthy!
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

L-F
Posts: 2130
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by L-F » Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:08 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:17 pm
you can casually mention “btw I immediately deleted everything you sent me after our last conversation - if you are concerned.”
Nooooooo use them to blackmail the old bugger =))

I'm joking...

Jokes aside. There is no need to delete them to please LO. He is guilty for his part I'm sure. Has he shown the texts he sent you to his wife? I highly doubt it. Does he tell hs wife he loves her too? Who knows.

The point is, holding on to texts can be unhealthy. Not for him, for you. He has his own karma to deal with, along with his conscience.

Focus on your own healing path. You can't rescue him. But you can rescue yourself.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

Anna
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Anna » Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:29 am

in answer to the orignal question: always LO. I just unblocked him a few days ago after months of NC , and today I got a message.. it was a reaction and question to something I had posted to 250 colleagues.. but he didn't react on the open forum, he sent me a private message. I answered matter-of-factly, I didn't even have a reaction other than "haha, I can't believe this is happening again" , it's just amusing to me now , but it didn't give me any emotional reaction...

I got this this time :ymparty:

Charm
Posts: 275
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:35 am

L-F wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:08 am
Ivanhoe wrote:
Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:17 pm
you can casually mention “btw I immediately deleted everything you sent me after our last conversation - if you are concerned.”
Nooooooo use them to blackmail the old bugger =))

I'm joking...

Jokes aside. There is no need to delete them to please LO. He is guilty for his part I'm sure. Has he shown the texts he sent you to his wife? I highly doubt it. Does he tell hs wife he loves her too? Who knows.

The point is, holding on to texts can be unhealthy. Not for him, for you. He has his own karma to deal with, along with his conscience.

Focus on your own healing path. You can't rescue him. But you can rescue yourself.
L-F definitely taking your advice from before and working on ME - reading a lot on ACoNs
(Adult children of Narcissists) and trying to figure out how/why im always searching for validation from other sources i.e LO
I just read this again and it rings very true -for me anyway:


The incessant search for “feelings of being understood” may only reveal a lack of a sense of self and a dependence on the approval of others for their esteem. As long as the unfaithful partner’s core sense of self is in need of feeling understood, there will be limited hope they will be able to be concerned for others beyond themselves, except as a source for that validation. It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean the betrayed spouse has to work harder to help the unfaithful mate feel more understood and prevent further emotional entanglements. It means the unfaithful spouse must work at becoming a whole, complete person in and of themselves and stop relying on others to fulfill them.“

Now to figure out how to become a whole complete person??? :-?
Last edited by Charm on Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Charm
Posts: 275
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:38 am

Anna wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:29 am
in answer to the orignal question: always LO. I just unblocked him a few days ago after months of NC , and today I got a message.. it was a reaction and question to something I had posted to 250 colleagues.. but he didn't react on the open forum, he sent me a private message. I answered matter-of-factly, I didn't even have a reaction other than "haha, I can't believe this is happening again" , it's just amusing to me now , but it didn't give me any emotional reaction...

I got this this time :ymparty:
Pls refresh my menory Anna how long is NC for you to have such a relaxed/calm reaction?
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA

Anna
Posts: 354
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Anna » Sun Jul 15, 2018 10:23 am

Charm wrote:
Sun Jul 15, 2018 12:38 am
Pls refresh my menory Anna how long is NC for you to have such a relaxed/calm reaction?
It wasn't one long phase of NC, but many repeated ones for the past 22 months. And with the many repetitions , my reaction changed over time since I had worked on myself and my issues . It wasn't instant. The last NC phase was 3 months or so. I haven't seen him in 7 months. But since we are in the same line of work, total NC might not be possible, unless I give up my job and move to another continent.

mamasita
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by mamasita » Mon Jul 16, 2018 8:39 pm

I decided to stick with no contact back in October, when I joined this forum. Since that time, I have broken the NC twice and he has broken it twice. He obviously doesn't know I am trying for no contact though, so he is just "talking" rather than "breaking no contact" :))

I did wish him a happy birthday recently and he completely ignored me. Not a thank you, nothing. Which of course made me upset that I broke no contact just for a stupid birthday wish.
My anger with his lack of response reminded me that I only wished him a happy birthday for reciprocation. =((

Next year I hope that I either have NO expectations for a return "thank you" or better yet, that I don't even think about his day when it comes around. That would be better.

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