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Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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CrushedSO
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Isle of Man

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:31 pm

It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t care, it sounds like the strain for him was too much to bear. I know you’re in pain but remember he is human and most importantly, this is about you.

AMA210
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by AMA210 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:44 pm

Very true and very poetic.
52 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months

"Always moving forward"

Charm
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:18 pm

CrushedSO wrote:
Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:31 pm
It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t care, it sounds like the strain for him was too much to bear. I know you’re in pain but remember he is human and most importantly, this is about you.
LO is about me - OK now what?
So i have gotten amazing advice so far and since I will now be forced into NC because of LO’s brutal honesty -
I have to shed a little light on history with dad since I never have on this site because everything was so blissful with LO.

Points about DAD
Dad raised me - alone
I have no siblings
We were as close can be growing up and i idolized him. Never knew what narcissism was but the fact that i was always in dads shadow and he loved basking in the spotlight never bothered me. Only when i became a teen and a mother did i see signs that bothered me and i knew not every parent was like him. Abuse took different forms but was never physical - more emotional and psychological - toxic environment where tears and bottling up my feelings were the norm -
After he passed away i was told by his dr that he had both biolar and NPD so had to deal with all that alone and obviously i havent!

Points about LO
My LO who just rejected me today was older and I desperately wanted to please him -
My SO is the least narcissistic person and very loving for the past 30 years (highschool sweetheart)
Why oh why am I seeking to please a man who i barely knew - bared my soul among other things to him when i have a loving SO at home and why am I so distraught when i have my loving SO after my LO has left me?
What am I searching for when its at home?
Am I stupid? I dont get it!!!
LO was older married male
LE was 8 months and now over

Rachella
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Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:25 pm
Italy

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Rachella » Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:36 pm

You're not stupid, you're actually a brave woman as you had the guts to ask questions and state that the situation was not good for you any longer.
One day you'll be able to connect all the points and answer your own questions. Sadly, no one can do it for you. I think Psychology say something along the lines of: as adults we choose situations that remind us of our own childhood, so that we can finally overcome our traumas. I guess this is one of the meanings of "Limerence is about us".
I know it's burning like hell, BUT it's not the same everyday. It gets better. Accept it for what it is today and don't rush. Live the moment and cuddle yourself how you would do with your children. What do you like, what makes you feel good? Baking, dancing, swimming, crafting? Do it. It gets easier at some points. :ymhug:

Ivanhoe
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Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Ivanhoe » Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:37 pm

Seems self evident. Here is a thought that has worked for me: Whenever you have feelings, thoughts, ruminations, crying jags, ideas about, memories that bring up feelings, about LO - force yourself to think of Dad, to assign those feelings to the earliest point possible - which is what these thoughts are almost certainly about. Just a thought.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat Jul 14, 2018 3:28 am

In the three-and-a-half year LE with my former LO, I mostly broke it first, but to be fair, I didn't actually go NC for the first time until about two years into it, then he started breaking it. After I left that job, I went back a couple of times and broke it, until the third time when I hadn't meant to see him, and to be fair, I didn't break it then. :D
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

Charm
Posts: 116
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
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Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Sat Jul 14, 2018 3:50 am

Guess what?
We spoke and NC is gonna work like a charm this time - know why?
Because on top of saying lets remain friends and speak by phone once in a while he also very casually called me “obsessive” and “creepy” for saving some of his texts which i defended by saying its like keeping love letters or love notes in the 21st century!
How dare he?
If anyone is going to make a judgement about whether or not my behaviour is creepy or obsessive - its me, my therapist (we both know full history of dad etc) and of course my forum support who share and understand but not some loser who makes a demeaning insult toward me
I’M DONE and yes I AM PISSED AT LO AND AM
A-OK WITH THAT
and yes I will continue to go to therapist and work on me and why this ocurred and it isnt about LO
BUT anger will help fuel this process
So f-ing mad ~x(
LO was older married male
LE was 8 months and now over

JupiterTaco
Posts: 3089
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:04 am

Charm wrote:
Sat Jul 14, 2018 3:50 am
Guess what?
We spoke and NC is gonna work like a charm this time - know why?
Because on top of saying lets remain friends and speak by phone once in a while he also very casually called me “obsessive” and “creepy” for saving some of his texts which i defended by saying its like keeping love letters or love notes in the 21st century!
How dare he?
If anyone is going to make a judgement about whether or not my behaviour is creepy or obsessive - its me, my therapist (we both know full history of dad etc) and of course my forum support who share and understand but not some loser who makes a demeaning insult toward me
I’M DONE and yes I AM PISSED AT LO AND AM
A-OK WITH THAT
and yes I will continue to go to therapist and work on me and why this ocurred and it isnt about LO
BUT anger will help fuel this process
So f-ing mad ~x(
I remember those days, the anger...In time you'll see that despite the fact that we bring our own unhealthy patterns into LE, there's a reason why we become stuck on people like this and that they're not worth it.
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

Charm
Posts: 116
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:39 pm

Is there any point if LO and I are in touch again to tell him why he is wrong about me being “creepy and obsessive”? That its because of never having a voice growing up next to a narc dad, that my needs never mattered and thats why LO’s words in his texts so mattered so much and why i saved them - not because i was a creepy weirdo but because i felt validated -
do i say this to him? Is there a point,
Im starting to do the heavy lifting but should I give him a glimpse ? I just cant stand the feeling that he sees me as something im not and its so much more than that
LO was older married male
LE was 8 months and now over

Nerissa
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:20 pm

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Nerissa » Sat Jul 14, 2018 9:45 pm

I wouldn’t. What’s the point? It isn’t actually a creepy thing to do: it’s fairly normal. I always kept voicemails my husband left while travelling so that if he died in a plane crash, I could hear be last messages to me. A similar impulse.

It is more likely That he is worried that there is evidence of his affair out there that is out of his control and he is trying to manipulate you into deleting them.

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