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Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:45 pm

Not very savvy at creating a poll so pls feel free david to move this but just curious if NC was broken - who did it first you or LO and at what stage? A day? A week? A month ? Etc
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

Pudding
Posts: 657
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2016 5:45 am
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Pudding » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:50 pm

Nine months of NC broken when LO returned to work after a leave. I’m back in NC after 2.5 months of contact but it will eventually be back to (very low) LC.
F 38
LO is M 35, my son’s former teacher
NC for nine weeks

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 11:29 pm

Pls dont judge me guys...
I broke nc after 2 days!
I sent a txt
I literally have had trouble breathing
I couldn't handle it
Ive tried
Therapist session
You guys
Showering SO with love
But nothing was helping
I was seriously struggling
He hasnt replied he prob wont
But it was like what CrushedSO said in snother post - i just said after sharing so much I needed him to know this was hard - basically wished him
well
As i said pls dont think of me as spineless - tell me something I dont know :(
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

User avatar
CrushedSO
Posts: 298
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:01 am

Charm wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 11:29 pm
Pls dont judge me guys...
I broke nc after 2 days!
I sent a txt
I literally have had trouble breathing
I couldn't handle it
Ive tried
Therapist session
You guys
Showering SO with love
But nothing was helping
I was seriously struggling
He hasnt replied he prob wont
But it was like what CrushedSO said in snother post - i just said after sharing so much I needed him to know this was hard - basically wished him
well
As i said pls dont think of me as spineless - tell me something I dont know :(
Don’t beat yourself up! You’re human. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying, everyone slips up. No biggie.

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:15 am

:ymhug: :(
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

L-F
Posts: 1831
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by L-F » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:35 am

Sadly... nothing will help if you look to LO for answers.

It will take a long time before the above statement makes any real sense to those in the thick of the fog. It takes time, years, decades even, before one is able to grasp the true essence of that statement.

So expect a bumpy ride. From my experience:

Expect to feel as though your heart is being ripped out. You cant breathe. Your mind races with self-doubt. You want to pass out, vomit. Anger inside boils over and you find yourself snapping at anything and everyone. You hate this god forsaken world. You want to die. You beg, plead, cry. You find yourself pushing people away because you don't deserve love. Point fingers. Play the blame game. Jump into drama triangle and milk the victim role for all its worth. It is easier being the victim than the perpetrator thats why fingers go up as quick as they can to blame the other party for causing the hurt. Its too painful to look at the self, when in reality the victim is the perpetrator of their own misery. Too painful to acknowledge. Thus the blame game.

And then you get sucked right back in. Many limerents have to demonise their LO in order to feel better. No different to the boy or girl down the road who is always putting someone down to make themselves feel taller.

Expect to feel betrayed... but remember... the real pain sits at the junction where we realise we are our own worst enemy. It is not LOs betrayal that hurts the most. Its our own. But none of this will make sense until the first statement is understood. Fully.

So expect to go around in circles, break contact, demand answers and all the ugly in-between for many months to come. This is what we do to protect ourselves from ourselves. We hide, we make excuses, we distract ourselves any way we can... exercise, food, alcohol, another LO, daydreams, screens. We focus on external stimulus, some are healthy, some are not, but all do the same trick - distract us from doing the work. Because it is never our fault. And in a warped twisted way, it isn't. But we can only see that when we look at ourselves. Fully. Unmasked.

And when make the unconscious conscious, we grow... and no longer need LO, and no longer scared to look within.


In short... give yourself a break. You contacted LO, so what. It is all part of the learning and healing.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:40 am

L-F - im copying and pasting what you just said somewhere I can read it private daily
Thanks for not judging - was honestly thinking I could hack it - remember? Hour by hour? Totally went out the window! If i cant handle hour by hour whats next minute by minute? Then insanity kicks in ~x(
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

User avatar
CrushedSO
Posts: 298
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:56 am

L-F wrote:
Fri Jul 13, 2018 12:35 am
Sadly... nothing will help if you look to LO for answers.

It will take a long time before the above statement makes any real sense to those in the thick of the fog. It takes time, years, decades even, before one is able to grasp the true essence of that statement.

So expect a bumpy ride. From my experience:

Expect to feel as though your heart is being ripped out. You cant breathe. Your mind races with self-doubt. You want to pass out, vomit. Anger inside boils over and you find yourself snapping at anything and everyone. You hate this god forsaken world. You want to die. You beg, plead, cry. You find yourself pushing people away because you don't deserve love. Point fingers. Play the blame game. Jump into drama triangle and milk the victim role for all its worth. It is easier being the victim than the perpetrator thats why fingers go up as quick as they can to blame the other party for causing the hurt. Its too painful to look at the self, when in reality the victim is the perpetrator of their own misery. Too painful to acknowledge. Thus the blame game.

And then you get sucked right back in. Many limerents have to demonise their LO in order to feel better. No different to the boy or girl down the road who is always putting someone down to make themselves feel taller.

Expect to feel betrayed... but remember... the real pain sits at the junction where we realise we are our own worst enemy. It is not LOs betrayal that hurts the most. Its our own. But none of this will make sense until the first statement is understood. Fully.

So expect to go around in circles, break contact, demand answers and all the ugly in-between for many months to come. This is what we do to protect ourselves from ourselves. We hide, we make excuses, we distract ourselves any way we can... exercise, food, alcohol, another LO, daydreams, screens. We focus on external stimulus, some are healthy, some are not, but all do the same trick - distract us from doing the work. Because it is never our fault. And in a warped twisted way, it isn't. But we can only see that when we look at ourselves. Fully. Unmasked.

And when make the unconscious conscious, we grow... and no longer need LO, and no longer scared to look within.


In short... give yourself a break. You contacted LO, so what. It is all part of the learning and healing.
Image
Image

You hit this out of the park L_F. Well said!

crushed1234
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:45 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by crushed1234 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 1:50 am

I would probably not have lasted longer than 2 days NC had SO not that a hard brounday - thanks honey #:-s

It was literally down to - what do I want, LO or SO? I know I would not have been able to maintained a solid NC without something that important on the line.

Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can. :ymhug:

I will also save LF’s post, an incredible amount of insight summed up in there :)

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Who broke NC first - you or LO?

Post by Charm » Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:07 pm

LO just called me after I broke the NC to say:
I cant do this
I cannot wear two hats
The last two days of you not contacting me has been a weight lifted off my shoulder

I want to die - really - i have an SO and two beautiful kids who love me to death and this 62 yr old man has me in the palm of his habd abd just squashed the life out of me

I asked “how do you say your happy on friday and you love me amd dont want to lose me but by monday you do the exact opposite?”
He said “I felt those things but when you ask me to reciprocate more i cant give it and feel cornered and if it wasnt monday it would have been another time”

I know he is right - he is a wise man - but I hate wisdom - I want passion!! I wanted him to fight for us -
Now officially NC second time around will obviously be more effective because deep down I thought he would call and say how painful the last two days have been not a pressure lifted off him!! 8 months of passion, love and limerence has amounted to pressure and weight.
Im
Distraught and angry and mad at myself
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

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