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Hello

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
Bettyboo
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
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Great Britain

Hello

Post by Bettyboo » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:18 am

Hi, I’m so glad to have discovered this forum... I’ve talked to my closest friends about the way I’m feeling but they don’t really understand the intensity of what’s been happening. I’d like to introduce myself and tell my story. I have a partner of 20 years and we have three children together, we’re quite happy together and work well as parents but I think lots of the love has gone. I met a man 14 months ago through mutual friends on a night out. I could tell he liked me and although nothing happened that night, I sensed he liked me and the following morning he sent me a friend request and messaged me. He is married with older children, he lives a couple of hours from me and since our initial meeting we’ve met only once, although nothing physical has happened, apart from a very awkward kiss, we’ve been messaging almost daily and it’s been very intense at times. We fell out a few weeks ago and he tried to tell me he’d only wanted to be friends.. I think this was a defensive reaction as clearly the messages didn’t reflect this. I’m ashamed to say I threatened to send the messages to his wife and see what she thought. I know it was wrong and I would never have done it but I felt devastated and literally the pain in my chest was unreal and like nothing I’ve ever felt. We calmed down and he asked me to keep in contact and remain friends. I agreed as long as he didn’t talk about meeting up or sex. He agreed. Since then the contact has lessened and is friendly, we talk most days, about our children and generally what’s going on in our lives, he’s friendly and I do feel like I have a friend in him. I’ve had wobbles and told him a few times that I have deep feelings for him and questioned whether we should both move on to which he always replies that he wants to keep in contact and he can’t imagine not texting me and that I mean a lot to him. I feel so confused..He gives cryptic answers when I probe him. I cry a lot and he’s on my mind all day every day. I wake up thinking of him and fall asleep thinking about him. I think I’ve kept my dignity just and I’ve held it together in front of my family... I rarely initiate contact but he often texts in the evening to ask how I am. I wish I could flick a switch and turn these feelings off. Thanks for taking the time to read and I’m sorry it’s so long. Any advice or thoughts on what is going on or what I should do next would be hugely appreciated. Thanks 😞

LostAgain
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: Hello

Post by LostAgain » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:34 am

It seems likely that you are projecting onto him all the stuff which is not right in your life at the moment.
Like most of us you are loading so much emotional intensity onto a person you barely know.
If it is making you really unhappy then cut contact.
At that point you will start looking at the difficult stuff in your own life .
L-F and Spinnaker are really good at talking about the distraction element and the work you probably have to do.
It's all about you ultimately.
Good luck.

Bettyboo
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Hello

Post by Bettyboo » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:54 am

Thanks for the advice, it’s so good to hear someone else’s perspective, I’ve been alone with these thoughts for so long now. I agree that no contact seems to be the best way forward now. I’ve tried before and managed a couple of weeks but I cave in and message him, he always seems glad that we’re back in touch. Would I tell him that I was going NC or just stop replying, or maybe even distance myself gradually?

I’m never sure whether he’s lonely too or if he’s just a game player. Like you say, in reality I hardly know him.

Thanks for the advice.

Ivanhoe
Posts: 482
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:49 pm
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Hello

Post by Ivanhoe » Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:03 pm

Hi Betty,
My advice fwiw, go no contact immediately. This has absolutely nothing to do with him. Yes, he is using you, perhaps consciously, perhaps not, as a distraction from his own miserable life, but it doesnt matter. He is not real. For you, this is ALL about Betty. To keep texting him constantly rebuilds resistance to looking inward and taking care of Betty. He is, as LA above said, and you well know, a projection. By coming to this forum, you have taken the first step to a more courageous and fulfilling life. It will be painful because you are human, and wounded like all humans are. But you can do this and rebuild a great life. The first step is destroying your own resistance to that life. That means no contact immediately. I would make sure To put my family first when doing it - thus perhaps simply blocking him is the best way. Sending him an explanation gives him more power, as you well know, for blackmail.

Give yourself a break, love yourself and your family.

Good luck!
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Bettyboo
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Hello

Post by Bettyboo » Thu Jul 12, 2018 3:15 pm

Thank you Ivan, I feel so sad at the thought of going no contact but you’re right I must... for my family who I love more than anything.

He knows he has power over me and I think you’re right that giving him an explanation will add to this. I think now I’ve found this place I’ll have the strength and support to finally sort myself out.

It’s so frustrating because when we were first introduced I felt absolutely nothing for him, not even a spark of attraction, if he hadn’t contacted me the next day I probably would never have thought about him again. He was quite relentless at first, maybe he sensed the kind of person I was and that’s why he deliberately picked on me. I guess I’ll have to accept that I’ll never know the answer to lots of these sorts of questions.

Thanks again and apologies if I’m rambling but this is the first time I’ve been able to get things out.

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 853
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: Hello

Post by LisaTranscending » Thu Jul 12, 2018 6:36 pm

wonderful summary Ivanhoe.

Hi bettyboo.
Bettyboo wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:54 am
I agree that no contact seems to be the best way forward now. I’ve tried before and managed a couple of weeks but I cave in and message him, he always seems glad that we’re back in touch. Would I tell him that I was going NC or just stop replying, or maybe even distance myself gradually?
when we like something...in your case this man and his contact and texts and whatever it is that he is supplying in dribs and drabs that keeps you hooked....you have to really question...Do I really like this?

well of course part of you does like it; otherwise, you wouldn't care about it, his texts. but it seems your whole world revolves around these contacts, so obviously somewhere in your mind....you LIKE it...and you like it a lot.

and being separated from anything that we like...makes us uncomfortable. we want it back. and we want it again. and we want more of it, please.

this is just the evolutionary construct of the human brain. we hunt, gather, seek, and are always on the lookout for a good time. like a neon sign in our head, Food, Sex, Drugs, wine, TV, a soccer game....something! in your case....texts from someone you feel attracted to...and who makes you feel attractive. (perfectly understandable and normal)

so we have to deconstruct this natural tendency to seek stuff out to supply us with "something" to fill us up. it takes us into that unhealthy territory of feeling "unsatisfied." and that is part of what we must wrestle with here with our chemical tendencies.

we can't just turn it off like a faucet. once our mind has decided to "like" something...it's very hard to get it off that thing it likes.

:ymparty:

like spores reaching out for connection, communication, and survival....that's what happens even to us when we become limerent. and it's persistent and as pervasive in our mind as the movements of spores. we even share that tendency with such a small life form.

so since we have a pre-frontal cortex to help guide us out of unconscious states of mind....let us use that and energize that part of us and train it....train it to come back home (not the physical home any person externally has created) but the "home" inside of us. using meditation techniques, yoga and mood altering music, we can get our minds to calm down from the reaching out like a spore for something outside itself to feel connected. WE ARE NOT SPORES! we are human beings. powerful forms with the ability to rewire and rethink ourselves home.

HOME! there's no place like home. there's no place like home. Watch your in breath. watch your out breath. two seconds just pass...and you are home. you don't have to go looking outside yourself for home. it is right here all the time. you just need to touch it. it will be much more rewarding than waiting for someone else to somehow guide you home (very unpredictable that). and much more reliable to just do that ourselves.



http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2016/04/ ... d-partners

Bettyboo
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Hello

Post by Bettyboo » Thu Jul 12, 2018 8:16 pm

Wow!! Thank you..I honestly feel clearer in my mind already. It’s not him I want it’s the messages and how good they made me feel. I do feel like I’m addicted to him or rather his texts... and have formed some very bad habits. I need to reorganise my life and break this negative cycle.

I’ve been swimming tonight with friends for the first time in ages (usually I’d be pathetically waiting for a crumb of contact) I feel good right now.

Thank you 🙂

Spinnaker
Posts: 1853
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
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Contact:
United States of America

Re: Hello

Post by Spinnaker » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:52 pm

Hi Betty Boo Welcome!

Keep swimming! Message those friends and others now. Fill your calendar as much as possible with social activities. \:D/ My suggestion is to keep the conversation away from your pain over this but if the conversations start to run deep then reveal what you are learning about yourself through this. Subjects like denial, spiritual bypassing, finding your voice or true self or whatever you discover in this process is great to verbalize. Keeping over-sharing in check and seeking stronger friendships with those who you find "get" you but you see they have their shit together.

Bettyboo
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:24 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Hello

Post by Bettyboo » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:06 pm

Hi Spinnaker, thanks for the advice. He avoids any deep conversations these days.. I think he will be expecting me to text him but I’m not going to. I rarely initiate contact anyway. I’m not ready to block yet. I feel stronger already and I’m going to keep reading the stories, experiences and tips on here, they’re helping me such much.

Thanks again! Betty x

L-F
Posts: 1855
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Hello

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:34 pm

Welcome BettyBoo

I know all too well that 'falling down the rabbit hole' feeling (where it is the thrill of 'something' rather than LO that is captivating). That something could be a myriad of things that we yearn to feel again, such as being desired and wanted, validated, etc.

Keep posting and reading the many informative threads. Again, welcome!
If you play with fire, you will get burnt.
If you play with a narcissist, you'll remain his or her victim.
To get off the drama triangle, go NC. Diffficult but necessary.

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