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Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Spinnaker
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:29 pm

Lots of great advice.

Yes. Feels like torture. So sorry you are suffering.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Charm
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 1:59 am

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:29 pm
Lots of great advice.

Yes. Feels like torture. So sorry you are suffering. Since you've mentioned not eating.... Wanted to share that although I haven't struggled with any eating disorders, and even though I wasn't hungry during the happy times of limerence I can say that during the sad and agonizing times, I found myself not eating for the first time in my life. Knowing that was about the fact that I had zero control over my limerence situations (both LO's forced N/C. Lovely huh!?!) made me recognize what was happening. So in case you weren't aware of the "control" aspect of your eating habits, I wanted to share.... Oh I had only thrown up about 10 times in my life until limerence and those first days of NC were so gut wrenching I threw up. So I know his hard it is to eat, but try to keep it in check.

As you can see- we understand. Someone said the healing is not linear. Very good point. When you get a breather focus on the freedom of that feeling and then the waves of sadness come. As hard as it sounds, if you are any where near strong enough... allow yourself to feel it. The only way is through.

Thanks Spinnaker!

I definitely think this is a form of depression - its funny b/c SO mentioned last week when NC had not even ocurred yet that he had noticed a change in me- he was looking at vacation pics from last year (no LO) and compared to pictures from march this year (when i was in a full affair with LO) and that I looked sad and thinner in march - funny because that was when i was “IN LOVE” phase with LO - in heaven but clearly my physical manifestation (maybe guilt for SO, maybe always hungry (no pun intended) for LO to reciprocate? showed an unhappy depressed looking soul. So even though I thought I was happy when in limerence, in reality though I was actually tortured while with LO- Im starting to put it together :-?
I guess that limerence fog makes everything topsy turvy and irrational? Lets hope the old me returns soon....
Oh and a big deal for me but today I deleted all of his texts - a sign that I know he will never be in touch and neither will I :ympray:
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

Charm
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:08 pm

Just wanted to update on therapy session today:
I bawled for the first 20 min uncontrollably so thats money worth spent!
But after explaining exactly how NC came about (basically me giving the option of continuing our affair and having me have the occasional emotional hiccup OR going no contact - he chose the latter -
THERAPIST’S take: As a LS my LO has no clue the extent to which I gave myself to him and so for him, its a no brainer, hes thinking “this is causing me more of a headache than pleasure” since every few month I pour my insecurity on him and why would he put up with that?
In my mind he should because he is my soul mate, knight in shining armour who should fight for our love - in his mind, it’s “Whooaa lady your getting nutty and reading way too much into whether or not I responded to a text or called you after we made out “
So totally on different pages and perhaps in different books -
Which now perplexes me even more -
Was I anything special at all then?
Therapist said in so far as it was pleasurable for him (Narc quality) but the minute it became work or a hassle syonara!
Soooo NOW im MAD! Wtf? And im tempted to call and say “did you mean anything you said? You called me love of your life for god sake!
How can you not text me to see how i am?
Can I do that? If i promise to continue going NC after - im just dying to hear his response
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

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Spinnaker
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Spinnaker » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:36 pm

Anger is the natural response to this pain and a road out of this mess. We're here for support no matter what you choose along the road. Advice is just advice. My advice is let your mind and body feel the anger and let it out in aome form of exercise and writing on here or journal. Do NOT let the anger touch him in any way. That is wrong in every
way and pointless. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. Sleeping together happened at the wrong time to expect anything of him or think that he is behaving out of character. It's his choice. It's not by choice that you are reacting in a desperate manner. That out of control feeling is tied to attachment and your core self. You are doing the right things to find answers, support and peace. Hang in there. YOU can do this

Charm
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:48 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:36 pm
Anger is the natural response to this pain and a road out of this mess. We're here for support no matter what you choose along the road. Advice is just advice. My advice is let your mind and body feel the anger and let it out in aome form of exercise and writing on here or journal. Do NOT let the anger touch him in any way. That is wrong in every
way and pointless. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD. Sleeping together happened at the wrong time to expect anything of him or think that he is behaving out of character. It's his choice. It's not by choice that you are reacting in a desperate manner. That out of control feeling is tied to attachment and your core self. You are doing the right things to find answers, support and peace. Hang in there. YOU can do this
I want badly to lash out because I hate the feeling of being duped but... I will try to sleep on it- i just keep thinking what an asshole to play around with my feelings to get his rocks off but in his own words “maybe I’m ignorant, how am I supposed to know you wantedme to text you after being intimate?” ~x(
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

L-F
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:52 pm

Charm wrote:
Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:12 pm
I just feel a loss and i feel used
I'm quoting this to say 'your feelings are 100% true, 100% of the time'

In other words, when we say I feel..... listen to them. Because they are accurate, and that is where the work is at.
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

Charm
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:23 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:52 pm
Charm wrote:
Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:12 pm
I just feel a loss and i feel used
I'm quoting this to say 'your feelings are 100% true, 100% of the time'

In other words, when we say I feel..... listen to them. Because they are accurate, and that is where the work is at.
L-F your right because therapist says this is all related to the unattainable love from dad - since dad passed around the time my LE began, its a lot of work - loss because LO rejected my love
Used because I have never been intimate with anyone in 30 years other than my DH and i feel dirty and gross and horrible :(
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

marko
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by marko » Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:08 am

Support, maybe. The beginning of over is full of second guessing. The deep grieving is just the beginning. My dads death was just the tip of the things I was really grieving. Sometimes I had to laugh at how hard I was crying. I got a bipolar diagnosis from the deal, but I kept asking, why this, why that. Why so sad. What is really making me so sad. I also had to change my feelings and sort between perceptions and reality. I also had to look at myself and my dad and think, holy crap he really loved us. Like me, too afraid with this shit anxiety brain to reach out as I liked, but spent his shit anxiety brain doing the same thing, loving the hell out of us. Then I think, thats what we all do here--we "feel" unloved, unappreciated, sad as hell chasing our sadness through the LO. Hating them for the way they are and expecting everyone to love us the way we are. Those abused or abandoned, I can't imagine and I don't mean to lump what ails us under one blanket. Why do we take things so far as well. So many questions.

My heavy grieving subsided. It also made me feel better to get it out and let it go. Everyday, especially at bed time. Then I missed the ability to grieve when I needed to. As you wrote, this is lonely, who could understand the depths it comes out of. Take well that you need to go through this, and its a gift to sit so painfully with yourself. May not sound pleasant, but finding yourself is good. I finally got to the point that when thinking of LO, I mentally said "impossible" to all the things I wanted. Helped a bit. Time and NC, and don't get discouraged when you fail. Think of why you failed and what were you thinking about that you needed to escape. Just typing the title is a huuuuuge step. Its hard to think "over"

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CrushedSO
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:56 am

marko wrote:
Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:08 am
Support, maybe. The beginning of over is full of second guessing. The deep grieving is just the beginning. My dads death was just the tip of the things I was really grieving. Sometimes I had to laugh at how hard I was crying. I got a bipolar diagnosis from the deal, but I kept asking, why this, why that. Why so sad. What is really making me so sad. I also had to change my feelings and sort between perceptions and reality. I also had to look at myself and my dad and think, holy crap he really loved us. Like me, too afraid with this shit anxiety brain to reach out as I liked, but spent his shit anxiety brain doing the same thing, loving the hell out of us. Then I think, thats what we all do here--we "feel" unloved, unappreciated, sad as hell chasing our sadness through the LO. Hating them for the way they are and expecting everyone to love us the way we are. Those abused or abandoned, I can't imagine and I don't mean to lump what ails us under one blanket. Why do we take things so far as well. So many questions.

My heavy grieving subsided. It also made me feel better to get it out and let it go. Everyday, especially at bed time. Then I missed the ability to grieve when I needed to. As you wrote, this is lonely, who could understand the depths it comes out of. Take well that you need to go through this, and its a gift to sit so painfully with yourself. May not sound pleasant, but finding yourself is good. I finally got to the point that when thinking of LO, I mentally said "impossible" to all the things I wanted. Helped a bit. Time and NC, and don't get discouraged when you fail. Think of why you failed and what were you thinking about that you needed to escape. Just typing the title is a huuuuuge step. Its hard to think "over"
Great post marko! I love the honesty & vulnerability. You’ve been through a lot.

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