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Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
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Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Tue Jul 10, 2018 7:18 pm

I feel like dying inside
I gave him an out after 8 months and it was because I-was tired of asking/begging for reciprocation or consistent reciprocation and he finally said he cant wear two hats , cant lead two lives and he “cant be the man i need him to be” . i feel like there is no way i will be able to keep my end of the bargain - cant do this - seems too painful of a task - but need to fir my pride, my family, my sanity
I feel sick
Jittery
Anxious
Nervous
Cant concentrate at work or at home
First day is today but need to know when I can breathe?? I feel like he has had me on a tether and now that rope is cut im floating aimlessly and lost - tears are streaming down my face at work right now as if someone has died - i guess i have in a way.
You guys are all i have as noone knows and therapist has booked me for next week anyway so until then please help me cope
I think because I had a physical affair (not intercourse but everything in between) I also have that gutted feeling of being used - what was I? A piece of meat used for an ego boost?
Worst part is Im such a naive romantic I believed every word he said
“You are my true love” - if i was you wouldnt be so quick to walk away
To be fair he asked why it has to be no contact and, since he has no clue what limerence is,I just said its impossible to be half way as friends.
I did the right thing right? Should i have tried limited contact first ?? Now second guessing
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

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CrushedSO
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Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jul 10, 2018 7:32 pm

You did do the right thing, even though it hurts like hell. I know your pain and empathize greatly!

Don’t bottle it all up. Take time to feel and everything and begin the journey into yourself. You will be much better for it in the long run! It won’t seem like that for a while though so take each day at a time and stick to your guns.

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Tue Jul 10, 2018 7:38 pm

CrushedSO - thank you and since i know a little about your history - how do i now move firward with SO knowing that if i utter anything I WILL lose him - he loves me but this will be so out of character he wont know how to process it - silent for now? No disclosure to SO about LO?
How am I to move forward each day? Living with this guilt and deception? Yes i have ended things but what about last 8 months??
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

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CrushedSO
Posts: 298
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:01 pm

Well you’re asking the right guy because I did not disclose to SO because I was a coward.

I don’t know what would have happened if I did, so no point playing that what-if game with myself. As it is, it kinda set me up to handle her limerent affair so that’s a positive. And we are finally owning our own wheelbarrows full of shit.

I honestly don’t know what advice to give you on that front. The question to ask yourself is “what do I want?”

Do you want your family? Then make it happen! You will most likely have to wander alone, but you’ve got this forum. It is a godsend. Feel your pain, grieve the loss, but also begin the journey into you. This is the pure pain of limerence. Feel it, get to know it, but don’t prolong it by ruminating over LO. We all have to go through it and it truly sucks.

Spend lots of time here! I want to offer advice on whether to disclose to SO or not, but that’s not my call to make. You will have to come to that decision on your own.

@crushed1234 might have some better advice for you on how to process all the emotions of d-day, all I did was ignore LO’s existence until she quit and bottled all my pain up. So please don’t do that.

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:12 pm

Thank you CrushedSO - maybe I will wait for your DH but thx
I hope i dont get physical issues bevause of this
I.e hair falling out, not eating - i tend to turn emotional pain into phydical but I definitely WANT MY FAMILY! I CHOOSE MY SO - no question
I just feel a loss and i feel used as there was intimacy so that takes time I suppose and this forum :ymhug:
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

User avatar
CrushedSO
Posts: 298
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:44 pm

It takes a lot of time! This place will help, it’s a safe, non-judgmental place where you can let it all out.

These are good people, lean on them.

crushed1234
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:45 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:45 pm

Your comment about being able to breath is so true. Just the other day I was saying how it felt like I couldn’t breathe separating from LO. Like it’s your oxygen. However, keep the perspective of the pain you’d feel if you lost your family… I believe that would be much worse.

I probably cried at my desk every day for a month. Everything from a few tears to needing to escape to the bathroom because the tears where flowing and I couldn’t stop it. It comes in waves through your physical body where you feel like you’re about to get sick. I imagine that’s what it’s like to go through withdraw.

I agree with SO, the disclosure to your SO needs to be your call. If you choose not to, you should probably “stay late at work” and find a empty parking lot where you can let everything out. You need to find some way to process and feel everything. This is largely why I disclosed, he’d been bugging me for a week about what was wrong and I was such a wreck when I said that we needed to talk, he was worried that I was going to tell him I was terminally ill… there was no hiding from him.

Your comments about being used also ring so true. I felt like he played me. Like he was just in it for fun while my whole world was falling apart. We blame LO for making us go nuts over them. It’s easy for us to play the victim but you’re fresh in going NC so consider it all part of the process.

Almost 3 weeks ago I ran in to LO after 9 months of NC. He pretty much jumped right back to the ol’ love booming train. He didn’t play me any more than I payed him, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. What you experience was profound to you. It was meant to break you down so that you can start to rebuild yourself and one day be so much better off for it.

While the next couple of weeks will pretty much as close to hell as you can get, you WILL get through this. And yes, sometime it might feel like you’re physically dying, but you’re feelings can’t kill you. Embrace them. Shift the focus away from your thoughts and into your body. When these waves wash over you, where do you feel them? What do they feel like? Is it a tightness, burning, a black hole ready to suck you in?

Keep posting and reading and most importantly - have faith that you will be better off.

You got this :ymhug:

Charm
Posts: 192
Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 4:10 pm
Gender:
Canada

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by Charm » Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:53 pm

Crushed1234- thank you! Honestly just to know that I will get through this is huge right now because it feels like i cant make the next 24h .
One question : i am not on any social media and neither is he so all we had was texting which I have kept - all his loving sweet texts - every day and every night wishing me good night calling me his love - 7 months of texts i have kept ( its a compulsion thing i have struggled with all my life, almost ritualistic, i copy his text, paste it elsewhere and lock the document - which has also given me comfort) so my question is : should i delete them? Theyll be gone forever - its all i have - i know its torture reading them but its also comforting -
I will listen to advice - because I know thise who have gone through this know better than me
Last edited by Charm on Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

crushed1234
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:45 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:55 pm

This was posted on the forum and I kept a screenshot of it. I must have read it a thousand times. Hope it helps, even just a little bit!
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

crushed1234
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Nov 17, 2017 1:45 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Finally over for me too :( need support pls

Post by crushed1234 » Tue Jul 10, 2018 9:59 pm

Yes, you need to delete them. It'll make the ruminating worse and feed your addiction.

David even says that NC means stay away from everything relating to LO, including Social Media because it feeds our addiction. Loving texts are WAY worse than someone's public Social Media profile.

Probably not what you want to hear... but looking at those texts will only prolong your pain

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