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Finally over

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
marko
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Finally over

Post by marko » Sun Jul 08, 2018 8:19 pm

When is one over this? When you really figure out who you are and what you do, and in the end don't even need this place any longer or you don't feel you belong because you finally see through it's lies and deceit. The concept of the self, trying to feel better and self heal through LE is to an outsider strange at best. Recent things showed me all the various ways I do the same thing to just about everything I do.

My young age anxiety, (for others, abandonment, abuse etc) stands as a bland gnawing feeling that needs to be soothed. Relationship, sport, buying things, knowledge, (the big ones) were attempts to gain acceptance and wipe out that feeling. Everyone does this and the outcomes can even be positive, but for limerents the relationship one becomes the magic that will cure the woe. For me, my mind swirls because it constantly looks for one of the many things that stops the bad feeling.

So as I move through the circle of feel goods, they also fade to minor importance once past--even this place as it no longer feeds--even though it healed as well. So my LO pops in and out here and there, but finds no pleasure, so onto cycling or shopping, or trying to learn something on and on. I wanted to be the cool kid, best and brightest and I used these things and my LO to accomplish that. I use limerence for them all as it fits and why use another name. These distractions all self used to lower the seemingly innocuous bad feeling--I don't notice but there it is.

Heres the pattern and my current crushing thoughts that I have to get a grip on--glad I figured it out. I use relationship to feel good with wife, I have kids and then shift feeling good to them, they get older and I feel a sad panic that hits me a few weeks ago when my last one goes with some friends, I'm dying inside like when I thought of how the LO would go--pure panic grief. Dad grief, midlife crisis poor marriage and empty nester caused all the escape to go to LO, she goes and now it shifts back to son. As LO was leaving first it was cooler car, anything to shift thought away from the sadness.

Like everyone and everything along the way, I selfishly tried to heal self through them. Thats the heavy lifting here, the realization you are the problem and confronting it head on. This inside out love isn't real no matter what all those healing good feeling chemicals the brain is feasting on.

Funny how it hit today. Son went to friends house just now and I'm literally super sad, dreading the future when he's gone. I only care about me and how sad I feel, my mind now spinning the lottery wheel trying not to feel sad. Wondering how I'll make it without him--see how I built my existence on the feeling of the experience only for myself to feel OK.

The hard part now is--now what. This void, like most here experience, also becomes all the other voids and you feel like, I've really only been motivated to be the cool kid, and now that I'm not, I'm like now what. The LO can't do anything for me, none of them can. I feel sad for my wife as knowing she was a self healing pawn doesn't create love for her. This separates the escape into 3 areas for me. Escape to hobbies, escape to non sexual relationships and the escape of significant relationship. LE seems to have encompassed all 3, so it's harder than your car breaking down :D . When you bounce love off of your own feelings, it's not love--that really hurts, I thought I loved better.

I will never contact the LO again. I'll check in from time to time as I know how hard this is for all of us. My self work needs to continue and I need to continue to watch my escapes. Seems odd so little feels like the end of the world and so on.

Ivanhoe
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Re: Finally over

Post by Ivanhoe » Sun Jul 08, 2018 8:59 pm

Thank you Marko, posting that was an act of love.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Idiotic
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Re: Finally over

Post by Idiotic » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:14 pm

marko wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 8:19 pm
I will never contact the LO again.
Thats very brave Marko. Wishing you strength. :-bd
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

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Spinnaker
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Re: Finally over

Post by Spinnaker » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:38 pm

You've got this Marco! You see through to the truth that the only way out is through. On the other side is freedom from the pain of our past.

L-F
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Re: Finally over

Post by L-F » Sun Jul 08, 2018 10:09 pm

Sending good thoughts your way!
You got this!
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

Matty5000
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Re: Finally over

Post by Matty5000 » Mon Jul 09, 2018 6:18 pm

Best of luck Marko!
Other people make excellent mirrors.
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David
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Re: Finally over

Post by David » Mon Jul 09, 2018 6:33 pm

:-BD
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

Charm
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Re: Finally over

Post by Charm » Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:30 pm

Well done Marko :-bd

Not to hijack your post but i just sent this to LO after not getting reciprocation/valudation for the 100th time:

“Hi Do you want to stop this? I’m making it easy on you - I know how much you hate making the first move so Im here to help you to alleviate whatever “drama” this causes you”

This will be his out - I know he will come back with “I think thats best for both of us”
But now panic is setting in
WTF have I done?? :-ss
Well - all I can say is get used to seeing me on here pretty much 24/7 :ymsigh:
Married female 47
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed
LE is now 8 months

marko
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Re: Finally over

Post by marko » Tue Jul 10, 2018 8:45 pm

So a year ago I painted "Pain" on my bicycle top tube. I rode it out my legs, crying going down the road. Pain is also a good description of how cycling is supposed to be done :D , just watch the Tour de France if you disagree--well my style anyway. So after typing the above I went for a ride and that damn pain came out again. I was laughing a big a few weeks ago as it just didn't effect me, so as my son was gone I had that desperate sorrow. As most of LE is self, so is this pain. I picture my sad lonely world as he finally leaves one day and it just kills me--again, now that I transferred feel good back to him. Just as there is normal thoughts, my thinking takes it over the top. Then when home, he ignores me like most 17yr olds and I lament the good old days. Interesting to note that as I try to be "all that" im embarrassed if I do well or someone notices.

Like in LE when in the presence I think, whats all the fuss. So when I say buy something or as an event comes up I planned (planning is another form of escape) I wish I hadn't. I do drag myself away as Im also aware I can't smother my children and do encourage them to succeed. But damn, that pain can just sneak out as I see my "last hope" fade. I think I called the LO the last hope as well :)) .

I've been very close to my son and as a failed man, stay at home dad--no regrets, but equally I thought myself a failure of work. But we are close and it's understandable as well. Just like LE, parts are quite understandable. The reciprocation part is much different. I don't want to be wanted and my palms don't sweat and the obsessive thoughts are just normal thoughts of my kids. But the pattern of finding this mental feel good through
him hovers--unless I'm shopping, learning, planning, dreaming and scheming and of course, hey pop in a see the LO one day. Planning goes away quick and my anxiety helps in this as well. I'd feel dumb to just pop in now, a year ago that's all I wanted to do.

Thanks all for the well wishing. I had to go through a lot to take steps foreword. The hardest worst thing ever, thanks again for being here. 1200 posts, that says it all.

JohnDeux
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Re: Finally over

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:35 am

So my niece down the road from you a spell moved out at 18, dissing the family tradition of college....turning her back on the money, the support. She was going to do it her way.....and she is, she's doing pretty well, learning the ropes, making money running a restaurant. At 19 she already knew how to hire, fire, and organize a kitchen. Wanted nothing to do with my sister's rural/farming way of life and even less with her father who lives states away. It's telling that after she moved out, neither of my parents made an effort to contact her.....their own grand-daughter....except to send an occasional card. A few years have gone by and niece is still with the same guy, not clear where it's going but no obvious signs of aggressive hostilities betwixt and between. And recently, my sister and her are doing more things together again.....just now and then....and in tones softer than the fighting matches. Neither are angels and there's no grand moral here, but kids take it in. And in their time, just when you think it was all a waste, they are planting the same tomatoes in the tin cans on their apartment balcony that were in the garden all those years and hurling invectives at the same forces dumping toxics into the Mississip. Maybe you just have to wait to witness those moments, both the good and the bad, and decide to acknowledge it then....or just take it in yourself, quietly. I'm hoping and thinking your son will do well and maybe you did better than you think. And being "the example" is never done... but that's okay too.

I think you handled your LE well, marko. That it's still a tough ride at this point is just more of what they don't tell you is down the road. Strength and good luck.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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