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My young age anxiety, (for others, abandonment, abuse etc) stands as a bland gnawing feeling that needs to be soothed. Relationship, sport, buying things, knowledge, (the big ones) were attempts to gain acceptance and wipe out that feeling. Everyone does this and the outcomes can even be positive, but for limerents the relationship one becomes the magic that will cure the woe. For me, my mind swirls because it constantly looks for one of the many things that stops the bad feeling.
So as I move through the circle of feel goods, they also fade to minor importance once past--even this place as it no longer feeds--even though it healed as well. So my LO pops in and out here and there, but finds no pleasure, so onto cycling or shopping, or trying to learn something on and on. I wanted to be the cool kid, best and brightest and I used these things and my LO to accomplish that. I use limerence for them all as it fits and why use another name. These distractions all self used to lower the seemingly innocuous bad feeling--I don't notice but there it is.
Heres the pattern and my current crushing thoughts that I have to get a grip on--glad I figured it out. I use relationship to feel good with wife, I have kids and then shift feeling good to them, they get older and I feel a sad panic that hits me a few weeks ago when my last one goes with some friends, I'm dying inside like when I thought of how the LO would go--pure panic grief. Dad grief, midlife crisis poor marriage and empty nester caused all the escape to go to LO, she goes and now it shifts back to son. As LO was leaving first it was cooler car, anything to shift thought away from the sadness.
Like everyone and everything along the way, I selfishly tried to heal self through them. Thats the heavy lifting here, the realization you are the problem and confronting it head on. This inside out love isn't real no matter what all those healing good feeling chemicals the brain is feasting on.
Funny how it hit today. Son went to friends house just now and I'm literally super sad, dreading the future when he's gone. I only care about me and how sad I feel, my mind now spinning the lottery wheel trying not to feel sad. Wondering how I'll make it without him--see how I built my existence on the feeling of the experience only for myself to feel OK.
The hard part now is--now what. This void, like most here experience, also becomes all the other voids and you feel like, I've really only been motivated to be the cool kid, and now that I'm not, I'm like now what. The LO can't do anything for me, none of them can. I feel sad for my wife as knowing she was a self healing pawn doesn't create love for her. This separates the escape into 3 areas for me. Escape to hobbies, escape to non sexual relationships and the escape of significant relationship. LE seems to have encompassed all 3, so it's harder than your car breaking down . When you bounce love off of your own feelings, it's not love--that really hurts, I thought I loved better.
I will never contact the LO again. I'll check in from time to time as I know how hard this is for all of us. My self work needs to continue and I need to continue to watch my escapes. Seems odd so little feels like the end of the world and so on.
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For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence
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Not to hijack your post but i just sent this to LO after not getting reciprocation/valudation for the 100th time:
“Hi Do you want to stop this? I’m making it easy on you - I know how much you hate making the first move so Im here to help you to alleviate whatever “drama” this causes you”
This will be his out - I know he will come back with “I think thats best for both of us”
But now panic is setting in
WTF have I done??
Well - all I can say is get used to seeing me on here pretty much 24/7
LO is older married male
Attempted NC -failed 3x
Now in full blown EA and PA
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- Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
Like in LE when in the presence I think, whats all the fuss. So when I say buy something or as an event comes up I planned (planning is another form of escape) I wish I hadn't. I do drag myself away as Im also aware I can't smother my children and do encourage them to succeed. But damn, that pain can just sneak out as I see my "last hope" fade. I think I called the LO the last hope as well .
I've been very close to my son and as a failed man, stay at home dad--no regrets, but equally I thought myself a failure of work. But we are close and it's understandable as well. Just like LE, parts are quite understandable. The reciprocation part is much different. I don't want to be wanted and my palms don't sweat and the obsessive thoughts are just normal thoughts of my kids. But the pattern of finding this mental feel good through
him hovers--unless I'm shopping, learning, planning, dreaming and scheming and of course, hey pop in a see the LO one day. Planning goes away quick and my anxiety helps in this as well. I'd feel dumb to just pop in now, a year ago that's all I wanted to do.
Thanks all for the well wishing. I had to go through a lot to take steps foreword. The hardest worst thing ever, thanks again for being here. 1200 posts, that says it all.
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I think you handled your LE well, marko. That it's still a tough ride at this point is just more of what they don't tell you is down the road. Strength and good luck.
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