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Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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L-F
Posts: 1865
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by L-F » Sun Jul 08, 2018 6:08 am

***Trigger Warning***

Sometimes when we experience limerence, we wake up enough to know we may be in the wrong relationship. From my observations, many find their partner when young and perhaps a little naïve, and it is not until we experience limerence that we can see ourselves. Who we really are, and also who are partners are.

Of course this doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong, it simply means we have work ahead of us in terms of how we progress with this new awareness.

Do we stay or do we go? I’m not advocating separation or divorce, nor am I advocating people should stick it out.

What I am advocating for is child protection.

Often limerents find out about FOO (or FUFOO) for the first time and how they play a role. We discover how we were shaped and eventually see the bigger picture. Our fears, shadows, attachments, dependency, emotional maturity, and more. We find out that we wore a mask most of our life, even in front of ourselves.

Limerence is great at unmasking us… but, it also highlights how and why we chose our partners, and how we got to where we are on this path called ‘life’.

Part of that path for me, is divorce. It is no wonder I stumbled into the limerence realm. I was destined to. In short, the way my parents divorced helped me to find the rabbit hole from an early age. I don't care that they divorced. Looking back, I was glad they did. It was how they did it that scarred me.

So why write this post? It makes no difference to me whether you stay or leave… all I can do is put my 2 cents in where it matters… THE CHILDREN.

Please… if you do separate or divorce… do it with LOVE. I’m a strong believer that divorce and separation can be done well. One of the clips highlights how to protect the children. The clips are worth watching regardless of deciding to separate or not.

What you will see... is my story, and how it was the precursor to limerence.




When you fight over me or put me in the middle of your argument
You are sending me the message that winning with each other is more important than my life
I am learning from you that it is better to be right than to be loved.
You are teaching me that I came from a person who is unlovable and wrong.
And that I am somehow wrong too.

My safety is your job.
Without you and your protection I am unshielded from the world.
This will manifest in a rational fear for me because I will stay in a state of fight or flight for most of my life.
Someday this initial shock will wear off.
But how you choose to parent me thru this crisis will never wear off.
I will either feel your sense of selflessness, support and protection, or I’ll have a scar on my heart with a message that reads “good things happen to good people"...
I must be bad.



Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

LostAgain
Posts: 350
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by LostAgain » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:37 am

Devastating videos.

Dear Joe and Sam,
I hope you are ok.You seem to be doing fine.
Your mum and I both tried really hard but I know it must have hurt you loads.
I still love you 'right up to the stars and back.
Your dad

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by AMA210 » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:08 pm

Thanks for posting this LF.
Limerence reveals the FOO contributions as well as the SO's FOO, and how those dynamics shaped us as individuals and also how the same patterns were repeated in the LTR. None of this would have been acknowledged without limerence.

DH and I have discussed that our daughter is the first priority and that making decisions around that is more important than what we want.
Both of them are stuck on the codependent cycles, just as I was, and I think her cycle needs to be broken and her path turned to a new direction--one that is healthier.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

JohnDeux
Posts: 1827
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by JohnDeux » Sun Jul 08, 2018 1:55 pm

L-F wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 6:08 am
I don't care that they divorced. Looking back, I was glad they did. It was how they did it that scarred me.
When my dad finally moved out on my mom, I was in my early 20s. It was such a HUUUUGE relief!....that was the feeling after all of those years of never seeing a truly considerate and warm interaction between the two of them. *How* my parents did their divorce was rather inconsequential at that point....but the manner in which, for those many years, they *lived* divorce without actually being so, was the most hurtful and haunting. When I was getting done a few years back with some volunteer work with a child protection advocacy group, they were just releasing a document called "Caught in the Crossfire" about the exposure of children to the prelude and reality of divorce. The experience will be varied for most, that is for sure....but finally to be getting some recognition about the potential damage from putting kids in the middle is monumental.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

L-F
Posts: 1865
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by L-F » Sun Jul 08, 2018 7:49 pm

"recognition about the potential damage from putting kids in the middle is monumental"

Yes indeed. You raised some good points JD.

You can live well. You can divorce well. Outside of this can damage the children.

I remember going on long bus trip to spend the holidays with my grandmother and I would escape into music or my daydreams.

I would wish things were different.
I would wish I had different parents, that I was different.
I would daydream about being a daughter in one of those perfect happy families on TV. What life would be like. What my father would be like. What my room would be like.

I would daydream about meeting a boy. Any boy.
He would care, be kind and most of all, love me.
(Of course we all know this relates to needing my fathers love).

Its interesting to note that these daydreams occurred in my teens, a good 10 yeas after the divorce. And then of course many years later, limerence. Thus a messy divorce can have a life long effect.


And then there are those who stay, like your parents JD.

I was watching a clip from Dr. Phil when looking for a clip for this thread. A three year old would shout at the top of her lungs "STOP!!!!" when the parents would raise their voice. The things this three year old came out with was disturbing.

Kids are smart. As a child I could feel the tension in the room.
Every backhand across my mother's face.
Every shout, plead and sob etched into my soul.
Silent treatment screamed at me.
Yes, children are smart.
Parents making faces at each other, rolling eyes, sarcasm, snide remarks, silent treatment... it was all noticed. Just because parents don't shout at each other doesn't mean that kids can't see or feel the dysfunction.

So yes JD, staying together while pretending can also be damaging. Kids are apt at seeing through the make believe stuff. Probably because they are constantly comparing other couples and wondering why mummy and daddy (or mummy and mummy, etc) don't kiss, hug, touch, show affection like other couples do.

You can live well. You can divorce well.
It's all visible to a child.

Note: its not just divorce we are talking here... there is everything that led up to the divorce and all the stuff that came after it.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

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David
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Re: Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by David » Mon Jul 09, 2018 7:31 am

Timely post LF

On Friday we met with the author of the Calmer Parenting series of books. When couples with children come in to see us we stress the importance of them both working on their own stuff so as to be the best parents they can - Irrespective of if they want to stay or leave the relationship. Sadly when limerence has taken hold, all thoughts of the children go out the window - its just the selfish ego that wants its own way. BTSTDT.

I do at times consider playing such clips to clients to get them to see how divorce impacts children. The belief children are resilient is just justification for parental bad behaviour. Not sure even these clips would wake people up.

My parents never divorced, fact is they should never have got married. My aunt told me a year into their marriage my father called my aunt to say how unhappy he was and how my mother was not religious enough. They never argued, my father just manipulated through passive aggressive sulking and my mother vented her rage on the only other male figure around - me. When my mother died, my father said my mother was the source of all my issues and he had nothing to do with it. He showed his true colours waiting to say this until she could not defend his accusations.

The more I see, the more I believe children need better protection and potential parents needing some form of parenting education before bringing children into the world.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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Rachella
Posts: 105
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:25 pm
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Re: Found yourself in the wrong relationship?

Post by Rachella » Mon Jul 09, 2018 8:13 am

Kids are smart. As a child I could feel the tension in the room.
Every backhand across my mother's face.
Every shout, plead and sob etched into my soul.
Silent treatment screamed at me.
Yes, children are smart.
Parents making faces at each other, rolling eyes, sarcasm, snide remarks, silent treatment... it was all noticed. Just because parents don't shout at each other doesn't mean that kids can't see or feel the dysfunction.
Hell yes. So true. Even after decades, who can ever forget those moments?
My parents never divorced, fact is they should never have got married
I have always thought the same about mine. I can't really remember them getting along. Occasionally, we (their children) were even told that they wouldn't divorce because of "us". Interestingly, now that we are 3 adults, none of us has ever considered marriage or having children. We are 3 different individuals but evidently we all dread starting up a family. From the outside our family was always regarded as a very stable and loving one. But I remember feeling unsafe from a very early age and I believe my siblings felt that too. Children are not resilient at all.
Thanks for this thread :ymhug:

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