Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

What to Disclose to (new) SO

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Post Reply
Ivanhoe
Posts: 482
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:49 pm
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
United States of America

What to Disclose to (new) SO

Post by Ivanhoe » Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:21 pm

An interesting (to me) question prompted by Alain de Bottain’s urging one to ask on a first date: “How are you crazy?” Is this: “how much do you tell a potential (or current) SO about the “specific details” of your mental state - and when?

My late wife and I had, over many years, evolved the process of sharing everything important, including our crazinesses - but my sense is that if I’d understood her serious attachment/emotional /anxiety issues at the beginning, I would have never stayed - thus missing the most meaningful and loving relationship I will ever have in part because of our willingness to share those issues.

But with a new SO, Is it a matter of timing, honoring the other’s Boundaries and mental health by not disclosing every impish thought that intrudes in your brain?

I’m facing this issue in considering dating again. The thought of disclosing all my crazinesses (and finding out about hers) makes me wonder if it’s worth it.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

MrSpock
Posts: 595
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: What to Disclose to (new) SO

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:15 pm

Ivanhoe wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:21 pm
But with a new SO, Is it a matter of timing, honoring the other’s Boundaries and mental health by not disclosing every impish thought that intrudes in your brain?
Very good question.

I had always had a strong tendency to put everything on the table right up front. I already mentioned in another post how I told my wife about a "recently faded LO" on our very first date. I married her, so that turned out OK, but later on she confessed that she was this close to break up right there.
But I always did that, and I count many first dates than never saw a second and I always thought it was because I was way too open way too soon.

And not just regarding romantic relationships.

I remember one time my wife and I were in a hotel, and an older couple invited us for dinner. During the course of the night I talked about whatever I wanted, totally unfiltered, like I always do, or did... the next day they didn't even say hello, and my wife always told me it was because I was way to open.

Another time, I reunited with a friend from childhood. Soon we started seeing each other with both families. Our kids were best friends with their kids, my wife best friends with his wife, and so forth. A couple of years down the road, one night, we were talking about family issues over dinner, and I told them about my aunts which were at the time proper criminals. How he had to literally vanish from earth at the risk of being killed by gang members, how she went to jail for drug traffic, etc... I even mentioned the time my mom left us to live with them for a few months while she was traveling in Europe for fun, and I could witness things like they asking me to see if some stolen computers had anything of value inside (I was 14 at the time and already knew a lot about computers). Soon after that conversation they started putting up excuses to not see us, until we just never saw them ever again. While I can't really know what happened, we think it was that conversation.

So, now I think is probably not a good idea to just put everything out like that. I even developed the teleological idea that no one can read our minds very precisely because we couldn't function socially if they did.

Ivanhoe
Posts: 482
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:49 pm
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
United States of America

Re: What to Disclose to (new) SO

Post by Ivanhoe » Thu Jul 05, 2018 5:16 pm

From an essay on the weakness of the US Congress I’m reading today:
“Every institution (here I would include relationships and perhaps even a person’s own inner life) needs an inner life—a sanctum where its work is really done. Congress has progressively lost that inner life, as its deliberative spaces have become performative spaces...
“This (openness) has happened in the name of transparency. And transparency is a good thing. Without it, institutions ...can easily become debased... But every good thing is a matter of degree, and we have treated transparency as a good thing with no costs, when in fact it can have some enormous costs, and these must be accounted for.”

I suspect there is no answer to the question I posed outside of context too complex to describe in anything less than a War and Peace sized manuscript, but generally speaking, establishing, expanding and recognizing boundaries is a major consideration in any relationship - something my wife taught me - and interestingly, is still teaching me (hope that doesn’t sound too weird).
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3011
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Contact:
Great Britain

Re: What to Disclose to (new) SO

Post by David » Thu Jul 05, 2018 5:31 pm

For me, it would be about the other's level of self awareness, willingness to take responsibility for their own stuff, appetite for change through undertaking their own personal development work, plus a few other bits.

For men, this book may be of interest:

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

Male 58

Ivanhoe
Posts: 482
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:49 pm
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
United States of America

Re: What to Disclose to (new) SO

Post by Ivanhoe » Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:09 pm

I’m assuming that’s volume one of 20. =))
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests