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Need advice

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
curlygirl1961
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 3:19 pm
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United States of America

Need advice

Post by curlygirl1961 » Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:09 pm

Five months ago, an old boyfriend came back into my life after nearly 40 years. I'd been married for 29 years, divorced for nearly 3. This new relationship took me by surprise but it has been an amazing gift to rekindle a love from my youth. However, even before we started up our relationship, he was limerent for a co-worker. In fact, he turned to me as a friend to help him with the suffering he was dealing with and I recommended he read "Love and Limerence" which had been a godsend to me when I was dealing with unrequited feelings for someone. Somehow our rekindled friendship turned into rekindled love...he initiated it by telling me his feelings...and it is definitely love and not limerence. He can tell the difference, as can I.

But anyway, here we are five months later, very much in love, and talking about a future together ... he is still limerent. While I understand the mechanisms of this rationally/logically, it is HELL on me emotionally. Especially since my husband left me for a woman he was limerent with. I hate that I don't have his full attention...that another woman has taken up residence in his head. I hate that I never know if/when he's thinking of HER and not me. And while I understand the encouragement of, "He's with you, not her," it is often cold comfort because I know there is still a part of him that wants her. And I'm not sure I can keep living with this.

I would like my man to commit to No Contact, but he says he can't quit his job unless he has another one secured first. I do understand the financial reasons for this. But it also keeps dragging on. It interferes with his mood; I have tried to be loving, compassionate, and patient, but I feel like I'm near the end of my tether here.

When is it time to draw a line in the sand? Or does that never work? Sometimes I want to say something like, "I need to take a break until you deal with this." Am I just supposed to wait this out for months, years, decades? At some point shouldn't he get help for the underlying reasons he is limerent in the first place? (He's been limerent for 2 other women in his life.)

I really need some advice from other people who have walked this road. Thanks.
Last edited by curlygirl1961 on Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CrushedSO
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Need advice

Post by CrushedSO » Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:33 pm

Welcome!

That is definitely a tough situation. Limerence takes a long time to get over and even then, unless one does the heavy lifting we are prone to it happening again.

Since you have both been limerent before, this is a great opportunity for both of you to begin doing self-work together and build something great together!

Personally, having been limerent myself, I would not enter into a new relationship with someone who is limerent for another, unless they committed themselves to healing. Even then I probably wouldn’t. Or would I? I don’t even know what I would do.

MrSpock
Posts: 848
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Age: 48
Argentina

Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:55 pm

Welcome CurlyGirl,

While with my first girlfriend (a lifetime ago), by the fifth month I would have gone to the moon with her, I think the best thing for you is to break up right away, even if it hurts. The reason is that the last thing you need at this time in your life is to start out a new relationship being second best already. And if he was limerent for that other girl [ì]before[/i] you two started, that's what you are right now.

If he came back into your life after 40 years, he can surely do it again after another 2 or 3 (or 10), when he's done growing out of his inner child.

L-F
Posts: 2524
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:07 pm

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Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:05 am, edited 2 times in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

MrSpock
Posts: 848
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Age: 48
Argentina

Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:28 pm

L-F wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:07 pm
Second best? Is your wife second best?
Very good question. No she is not.. but then, what's the difference?

In the way I see this very particular case, the difference is the order of events. I already love and had built an LTR with my wife when I fell limerent, as did you and as far I can tell, everyone else here. But in this case, he was already in the depths of LE when they relationship started. My "kitchen theory" is that is just not possible to build from zero a proper healthy romantic relationship with a "non-LO" while being limerent for an "LO". What you can is preserve one you already built, but build a new one? I don't think so.

Hence, I think in this very specific case, CurvyGirl really is second best, as in by-the-book, and he defaulted on her just because he cannot be with LO. I know this is harsh and what could I possibly know. FWIW, this is how things were for me when I was single and had the LEs in my youth.

But OK, is a kitchen theory and I could be entirely wrong, of course. In any case, I wouldn't put myself under such a stress.

LostAgain
Posts: 361
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: Need advice

Post by LostAgain » Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:24 pm

I think Spocky has it right.
It really does seem like our limerent correspondent is on a hiding to nothing.
It may well be that her ex will sort his shit out and return to her again but in the mean time he is lusting after another woman.
Back off ,even go NC but do not put yourself through this uncertainty.
'I'm begging of you please don't take my man'.(passim)

Ivanhoe
Posts: 484
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:49 pm
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
Age: 67
United States of America

Re: Need advice

Post by Ivanhoe » Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:47 pm

Wow, this is a tricky situation. I think you need to provide more details CG.

This is a FWIW, since we all crave specificity in advice :)) :

Is your boyfriend aware enough to realize that every time he thinks of/or feels about LO he is projecting childhood attachment wounds - and nothing else? If so, perhaps you can work through this together with a commitment to a regular session (say every week at an appointed time), where you set aside two hours to talk about nothing but his obsession, attachment wounds, etc, and him talking about LO’s flaws? Also you could watch some of the videos posted here lately, and give him some if David’s stickies.

If not, I’d leave now. Tell him not to call you until he’s 78.5% over LO and will commit to the above plus individual counseling; tell him you are moving on and you hope he starts to address his problem for his own sake, and you will be looking for companionship elsewhere.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

L-F
Posts: 2524
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:51 pm

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Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

L-F
Posts: 2524
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:02 am

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Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

L-F
Posts: 2524
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:26 am

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Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 10, 2019 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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