Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
User avatar
CrushedSO
Posts: 236
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by CrushedSO » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:37 pm

Rachella wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:16 pm
CrushedSO wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 4:14 pm


I came out of post-secondary and got a high stress, high paying job. For years, the dean of the program I graduated from has been after me to join the faculty and start teaching. First I declined because of the loss of pay. I still don’t know why he thinks I’d be any good at it, because I sure don’t. Is it something that someone else thinks I should do and I see it for what it is? Or am I over-analyzing all of this because of fear? Fear keeps me right where I am. And to be honest I’m 39, married with two young kids and I have NO idea what I want to do!

Not to sound arrogant, but I am good at everything I do.
LOL! Not really meaning to laugh at you of course, but for years I have felt quite the opposite, that I wasn't good enough even to flip burgers :)) As they say in Buddhism, two opposites on a scale reflect on the same situation. Or something like that.
39 and you don't know what to do? They say that the 30s are the new 20s and so forth. Obviously kidding. Let's try not to worry about it :ymhug:
I totally understand! I don’t feel like I’m good enough to succeed, so I don’t even try (like the teaching thing). So I can’t fail because I didn’t even try to do it! If I’m honest with myself though, that’s a bigger failure than trying and failing.

Rachella
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:25 pm
Italy

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rachella » Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:45 pm

Finally I was on Facebook today and got news of two friends who’d lost seriously close grandmothers. I keep wondering if maybe my email coincidentally colllided with some major sad event in her life with its whiny “pay attention to me” stuff. Like maybe I should’ve checked up before hitting send, to make sure I wouldn’t collide with a possible event like that.
I see that you're looking hard for the thought that can torture you best! You have great creative skills for this! :))
FThe good but also crummy part of this is that in spite of all this stuff, I feel like I’m in an overall better mental state, just a little sad. I imagined a mutual friend asking me about her and saying “hey do you know she got married” and me saying “yeah we’re old friends but we don’t really talk anymore but she looks happy and I’m glad” and it felt better. Like I gave myself power to situate her in the past. Fondly remembered, but in the past.
Sorry to tell you that, but this chain of thoughts has already gone too far. You need a break, possibly a social media break. No point of thinking what she is thinking and how you can explain yourself to the others. You have expressed yourself, end of it. You can't know what she really thinks. It does not even matter to your growth. Focus on the ideas and the inputs you listed last week. You cannot find a direction if you're constantly directed to her.
The bottom line is that the LE was killing me and might’ve sunk my SO relationship with how distracted I’ve been this month. But even thinking about LO’s name (which is a really cool sounding name in real life and it does have some hold on me because it is so unique sounding to me) — it feels like it has less power over me.
I have read you have a beautiful baby! Don't be distracted :ymhug: There are things in life that really open our heart and change our perspective on anything. When the heart opens obsession fades (even if just a little.)
We can discuss more interesting books if you want. Perhaps we should start a thread to exchange ideas.
Wishing you good luck :ympeace:

Rocinante
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:19 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rocinante » Mon Jul 09, 2018 4:18 am

Rachella wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:45 pm
I see that you're looking hard for the thought that can torture you best! You have great creative skills for this! :))
OMG... what a thing to be known for :)) :)) :))

You gave me an idea... I made and printed this image so I can look at it when I start thinking like this:
Image

(It's funnier if you imagine me kneeling in the graveyard and clawing at the Ghost of Healthy Relationship Future, all Christmas-Carol like, and pleading "Anything dear spirit but this limerent future!")
Rachella wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:45 pm
You need a break, possibly a social media break. No point of thinking what she is thinking and how you can explain yourself to the others. You have expressed yourself, end of it. You can't know what she really thinks. It does not even matter to your growth. Focus on the ideas and the inputs you listed last week. You cannot find a direction if you're constantly directed to her.
Thanks for helping put the brakes on this train.

I think that might be a good idea.
Rachella wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:45 pm
I have read you have a beautiful baby! Don't be distracted :ymhug: There are things in life that really open our heart and change our perspective on anything. When the heart opens obsession fades (even if just a little.)
True (and thank you!) I am trying to shift to envisioning my SO and our baby if my thoughts start to drift LO-ward. SO & I had a pretty serious argument last night but the three of us spent a bunch of time together the whole day and it was quite nice.

In some time before bed, I've been powering through a lot of video from the Alain de Botton / School of Life channel, particularly ones to do with university (and things to do instead of university), love, and life purpose. I've watched the video by Ekhart Tolle that Spinnaker posted (this is my first introduction to him) and have been feeling a lot better.

I have a different friend / longtime roommate who went off to Europe to do her PhD, and I also volunteered to see the galley of the book she's published in that she was excited about. I wasn't touched by academia-envy at all as I was reading her chapter. It was sorta great to feel normal and truly platonic around some academic folks again.
Rachella wrote:
Sun Jul 08, 2018 9:45 pm
We can discuss more interesting books if you want. Perhaps we should start a thread to exchange ideas. Wishing you good luck :ympeace:
I would love & welcome that!
Thanks again for your good thoughts & encouragement Rachella :)
Rocinante • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocinante_(disambiguation)
RECLUDET PRATERITIS! <-- Current mantra / magic spell ("Quarantine the past!")

Rachella
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:25 pm
Italy

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rachella » Mon Jul 09, 2018 7:53 am

Were you born on the 11th of November? You're a Scorpio, that explains a lot =)) Cool birthday by the way. Definitely original grave too :))
Yes Eckhart Tolle is definitely an author to turn to. In my opinion though it's best to read some of his work and then watch the videos.
Ok have a good week and till the next update :-h

Rocinante
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:19 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rocinante » Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:25 pm

Rachella wrote:
Mon Jul 09, 2018 7:53 am
Were you born on the 11th of November? You're a Scorpio, that explains a lot =)) Cool birthday by the way. Definitely original grave too :))
No, but I am a Scorpio and I really like my day. 11:11 is my favourite time of day (twice!)

Yeah Scorpios are meant to feel jealousy keenly. (I remember as a kid coming across a very detailed astrology book and I know I internalized this. But it's always my biggest struggle in rejections or breakups, and going through my history, it's a major limerence trigger as well.)

I occasionally read astrology but I always realize that every reading for a Scorpio, week after week, is more or less "just try to spend some time unpacking your feelings, and you won't murder anyone for the next few days."
Rocinante • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocinante_(disambiguation)
RECLUDET PRATERITIS! <-- Current mantra / magic spell ("Quarantine the past!")

Rachella
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:25 pm
Italy

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rachella » Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:25 pm

I really like water signs. Pisces are my favourites but over the years I have also hanged out with a few Scorpio friends. I have always noticed their tendency of dissecting and analysing the past after it's long gone. But you have also the best sense of humour!
Definitely we don't rely too much on astrology, although it can be fascinating. At the end of last year I listened to a couple of predictions for my sign, Libra, describing my family situation of this year to a T. I guess there are good astrologers but there are also people who sell astrology after selling pans on TV channels :))
Sorry for the detour!

songofhiawatha
Posts: 103
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2015 10:03 am
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by songofhiawatha » Thu Jul 12, 2018 3:47 pm

I am a Scorpio. I knew that we were oversexed but didn't know that we had the jealousy trait. I have suffered from this boring burden throughout my marriage. I try hard not to show my jealousy but when, occasionally, I do, this has led to several unpleasant arguments with my wife over the years, it leaves me pretty ashamed with myself and I think the knowledge of it is very difficult for my wife in her quite innocent, though perhaps semi-emotional, relationships with several old men friends who she has known for even longer than we have been married - 48 years, phew.
I also know that had my relationship with LO had ever developed, which I now perfectly realize was totally unrealistic, I would have been insanely jealous as she is so beautiful, with such a wonderful, outgoing personality, that there would have constantly been men (nearer her age) attracted to her.
That is another reason why I have been extraordinarily lucky that there was no reciprocation when my obsession with, and longing for LO was at its height.
SoH

Rachella
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Jun 17, 2018 2:25 pm
Italy

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rachella » Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:14 pm

songofhiawatha wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 3:47 pm
I am a Scorpio. I knew that we were oversexed but didn't know that we had the jealousy trait. I have suffered from this boring burden throughout my marriage. I try hard not to show my jealousy but when, occasionally, I do, this has led to several unpleasant arguments with my wife over the years, it leaves me pretty ashamed with myself and I think the knowledge of it is very difficult for my wife in her quite innocent, though perhaps semi-emotional, relationships with several old men friends who she has known for even longer than we have been married - 48 years, phew.
I also know that had my relationship with LO had ever developed, which I now perfectly realize was totally unrealistic, I would have been insanely jealous as she is so beautiful, with such a wonderful, outgoing personality, that there would have constantly been men (nearer her age) attracted to her.
That is another reason why I have been extraordinarily lucky that there was no reciprocation when my obsession with, and longing for LO was at its height.
SoH
Scorpio or not, jealousy sucks. As we have all learnt by now, jealousy is just a lid on insecurity.

I have always thought I wasn't jealous but then I started paying more attention to my thoughts. Oh man, am I jealous! For example, if I hear that two friends have been hanging out without inviting me (as sometimes it happens when two people bump into each other or make plans last minute) I will feel so triggered. Forgotten, left out, and of course I won't say anything as I don't want to sound ridiculous at my age.

I have also realised that jealousy and fear of other women are the main themes in my limerent dreams @-)

I think that it doesn't matter how hot, intelligent, brilliant, gorgeous LO or the "other" is. It all comes down to how deep that wound is within us.

I used to think of Jennifer Aniston and how she lost Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie and yes... luckily that's an extreme case and I don't think there's any movie star around here (or there is? B-) )

Rocinante
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Jun 08, 2018 3:19 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by Rocinante » Sat Jul 14, 2018 1:19 am

Rachella wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:14 pm
songofhiawatha wrote:
Thu Jul 12, 2018 3:47 pm
I am a Scorpio. I knew that we were oversexed but didn't know that we had the jealousy trait. I have suffered from this boring burden throughout my marriage. I try hard not to show my jealousy but when, occasionally, I do, this has led to several unpleasant arguments with my wife over the years, it leaves me pretty ashamed with myself and I think the knowledge of it is very difficult for my wife in her quite innocent, though perhaps semi-emotional, relationships with several old men friends who she has known for even longer than we have been married - 48 years, phew.
I also know that had my relationship with LO had ever developed, which I now perfectly realize was totally unrealistic, I would have been insanely jealous as she is so beautiful, with such a wonderful, outgoing personality, that there would have constantly been men (nearer her age) attracted to her.
That is another reason why I have been extraordinarily lucky that there was no reciprocation when my obsession with, and longing for LO was at its height.
SoH
Scorpio or not, jealousy sucks. As we have all learnt by now, jealousy is just a lid on insecurity.

I have always thought I wasn't jealous but then I started paying more attention to my thoughts. Oh man, am I jealous! For example, if I hear that two friends have been hanging out without inviting me (as sometimes it happens when two people bump into each other or make plans last minute) I will feel so triggered. Forgotten, left out, and of course I won't say anything as I don't want to sound ridiculous at my age.

I have also realised that jealousy and fear of other women are the main themes in my limerent dreams @-)

I think that it doesn't matter how hot, intelligent, brilliant, gorgeous LO or the "other" is. It all comes down to how deep that wound is within us.

I used to think of Jennifer Aniston and how she lost Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie and yes... luckily that's an extreme case and I don't think there's any movie star around here (or there is? B-) )
I think jealousy is a very hard thing to unpack, is triggered differently for many people, and so on. I am feeling a lot of it with the LE mixed together on a whole bunch of levels, from time to time, and then mixed with compassion and longing and then indifference. I think jealousy is also difficult in that it’s hard to think your way out of.. it seems like I’ve moved on only with time and distractions and space to invite other good things into my life.

I think that what is getting me through the days when thoughts of a jealous nature intrude on my thinking is that (Scorpio or not :) ) I don’t want to make my life about jealousy. I mean, on principle, I reject the outlook that jealousy seems to direct me to have. So I refuse to let it just happen to me or overcome me. I am going to try my hardest to stay in the non jealous non comparative space that I know I can make myself be in. I seem to be taking the idea of the struggle about this really seriously for the first time in my life and I feel better being conscious about this for what feels like the first time.

I do think it’s a blessing that some of us (Rachella, SoH) are (now) far away from the triggering person! I think jealousy is very tied to a primal fear of scarcity and combined with intermittent reinforcement / hits of attention it just gets worse.
Rocinante • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocinante_(disambiguation)
RECLUDET PRATERITIS! <-- Current mantra / magic spell ("Quarantine the past!")

JohnDeux
Posts: 1762
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Situation in review - my story (dry, long)

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Jul 14, 2018 2:25 am

Rocinante wrote:
Sat Jul 14, 2018 1:19 am
I think jealousy is also difficult in that it’s hard to think your way out of.. it seems like I’ve moved on only with time and distractions and space to invite other good things into my life.....

..... I seem to be taking the idea of the struggle about this really seriously for the first time in my life and I feel better being conscious about this for what feels like the first time.

....I think jealousy is very tied to a primal fear of scarcity and combined with intermittent reinforcement / hits of attention it just gets worse.
Agree with all of these. Like many including myself, my usual approach to healing such wounds was distraction with other things and people and immersion in my work. (And it was not so much that I liked those other things or the people I was engaging with as much as I valued the distraction it provided.) It succeeded for a little while, but I was kind of putting a band-aid on an aortal puncture....the pressure and bleeding were going to cause eruption sooner or later. And it did....in the form of my second LE at age ~50. I think the 'scarcity' you mention goes way back in our lives and somehow we need to learn how to create some minimal sustenance (emotionally-speaking) for ourselves...for those times when we can't reach for distractions. Ultimately, the distractions run out and we may be facing the insecurities once again....no easy answers and one must find elements and relationships within themselves and in relationships with self and others that can buffet the vulnerabilities to LEs. Hope some relief comes soon!......
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests