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Finally, a name for this madness.

Tell us your story. What has been your experience?
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Bear2018
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:24 pm
Canada

Finally, a name for this madness.

Post by Bear2018 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:30 pm

I would like to start by apologizing in advance if this post is all over the place. I’m terrified to even talk about this. But I’m so thankful to have found this site. I’ve only recently discovered that this “thing” I’ve been dealing with has a name. I’ve always thought that I was just an unstable, obsessive, terrible person. I’m a 45 year old woman who has been dealing with limerence on and off for many years. I am currently trapped in the worst case to date. I have been married for 20 years. I have been limerent for my current LO for just over a year now. We live in the same small town but have minimal contact face to face, however we are in contact pretty much daily by text. Things started off friendly but quickly turned flirty and progressed to sexual texts and FaceTime sessions. He is aware that I have feelings for him, I’ve told him at least four times, but he doesn’t seem to take it seriously. The reason I’ve told him is that I’ve tried to cut off contact. Each time he’s insisted that we remain friends and that he wouldn’t do anything to add fuel to the fire. Each time though, he increases the frequency that he contacts me and within a week starts to slip sexual innuendos back into our conversations, and I fall right back into it. He’s made it clear that he will not risk anything physical and goes out of his way to avoid running into me. I should add that he is single. As I’ve mentioned we live in a small town so everyone knows us. Even if people saw us chatting casually too often word would get around.
Anyway, I’ve found that the pain of being cut off from him for even a few days is so terrible for me, that I choose the roller coaster of the current situation we are in. And I am engaging in all the typical behaviours of course. Obsessively checking his social media to see who he is interacting with, thinking about him constantly, over analyzing every bit of communication, and a great deal of time hating myself for living this double life. Fortunately spending some time reading other’s experiences is helping me cope and I’m hopeful that I will eventually find my way out. Until then I am extremely thankful for a safe place to come to be with people who are dealing with the same thing. I appreciate each and every one of you for sharing your own experiences.

mamasita
Posts: 662
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Location: USA
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Finally, a name for this madness.

Post by mamasita » Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:37 pm

Welcome to the forum, Bear.
Continue to read & learn. You will find out that this has nothing to do with your LO, and has everything to do with you.
I can relate to the feeling of longing, and also being strung along by a massive crush who won't take it a step further. While it is stroking your LO's (likely fragile) ego, it is also immersing you deeper into this obsession. It is a long road out.
I would start to wrap your brain around working on no contact and boundaries.
In my own situation, the LO reaches out to me periodically, just to keep the flame burning. But like your LO, won't take much of a risk and seems to keep me on an invisible leash, full of confusion and infrequent conversation. I suspect in my situation, my LO avoids me also. They suspect by our behavior/words how delicate we can be. We are in "love" and they haven't earned any such thing. Most LO's are clueless about what "they" are putting us through and are often somewhat bewildered at our intensity.
Your LO won't save you. He won't make you feel fulfilled or better or content. Start figuring out why you think you need him so much. What can he give you? Realistically, nothing, but within, what do you think?
Happy to have you join this journey! It is the most painful and eye opening journey I've ever been on. But worth it when my eyes open more every day.

Bear2018
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 1:24 pm
Canada

Re: Finally, a name for this madness.

Post by Bear2018 » Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:55 pm

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I know deep down that this really isn’t about him, although he is likeable and we get along very well. I had a troubled and lonely childhood/adolescence which I’m sure has contributed to my obsessive tendencies. I have made a bit of progress in that I never initiate contact, even though I have to fight with myself to keep it that way. After things get very personal, a FaceTime session he will often back off for several days and limit texts to one or two a day. He says that he thinks it’s a good idea to “cool off”. Of course this causes me to be hurt, depressed, and angry at myself for falling into the same pattern again when I swore the last time would be, the last time! I convince myself that this time I’m going to keep things casual and wean myself off him but as soon as I hear his text tone I get butterflies and, excuse my language, I know I’m fucked. I truly believe that he doesn’t realize the seriousness of my feelings, even though I’ve tried to make him understand. I guess if you haven’t experienced it you can’t rationalize it. He’s not an evil person.
Anyway, I’ve spent a good portion of the day going through posts and I’m finding comfort and hope in everyone’s stories. I also don’t feel so alone for the first time in a very long time.

mamasita
Posts: 662
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Location: USA
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Finally, a name for this madness.

Post by mamasita » Thu Jun 14, 2018 8:19 pm

It is most likely related to your lonely and troubled childhood. I had one too. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, you should start. Sometimes it takes 2 or 3 therapists before you find one who helps YOU.
I have also many times "swore that it would be the last" and with one CRUM of attention, I was right back.
He doesn't realize the seriousness of your emotions. I also explained and explained to my LO.
Since I have been someone else's LO, I can relate to the feeling of uneasiness that someone professing their feelings has. If you don't feel the same, it's a bit awkward. You are begging for full reciprocation and he either can't or won't give it to you just how you want it. Ask yourself why his validation means so much? Perhaps he doesn't know how to outright reject you. Perhaps he is just physically attracted to you, but cannot or won't go any further. He likely doesn't want to hurt you so being vague and hot/cold seems easier and not so "mean". I wish for full rejection from my LO but he shouldn't have to enforce boundaries and be stern with me. Its not his role. It's my responsibility to figure out why assumed rejection crushes me for weeks.
You are not alone!

obsessedwoman
Posts: 21
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 3:27 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Finally, a name for this madness.

Post by obsessedwoman » Thu Aug 02, 2018 4:15 pm

I can relate so much with this! And yes, when I finally did some research and found out what this thing is called, I was like, "Wow, there is a name for this!" I have had similar experiences with my LOs, actually my most recent one sounds a lot like your experience. You are not alone in this.

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