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Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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L-F
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by L-F » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:27 pm

mamasita wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:02 pm
Totally! And there IS indeed a void, but I am sick of looking for others to fill it and make me feel better! I should be able to fill my own voids and figure out why I think someone else can fulfill me.
Just from the bit you have shared. It seems you NEEDED LO to help you identify and heal this bratty teen.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

mamasita
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by mamasita » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:41 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:25 pm
mamasita wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:44 pm
But I don't have to accept the behavior and I desire to change it as it is destructive to the life that I enjoy and love with my husband & children.
It sounds like you already have [accepted it], which is good! You don't have to do anything with this shadow other than be conscious of it. What that means is, rather than working on 'fixing' it, work on allowing it to exist. When you are aware of this bratty teen within, in the actual moment, it is then that you can decide what you will do, i.e. Let this bratty teen take over use another strategy such as walking away from the situation or positive self talk.

The aim is to capture THE moment it is there, then make a decision whether this is actually you. Is this bratty teen coming from a healthy place. Does this teen understand healthy relationships?
Thank you LF, that is very helpful. What can I tell the bratty teen? Stop it right now? I mean, I have teens and I know how I talk to THEM but then again, that may not be right either. :))

This teen does NOT understand healthy relationships. This teen was controlled & raised in a religious, judgmental, and somehow simultaneously neglectful environment. This bratty teen wants to spread her wings and isn't about to hear any "reason" or logic. They are all just aiming to control her. The bratty teen thinks that as long as he likes me, then he should have me and he should feel lucky to have me! B-) See how I have control over my own body? See how I go out and take what I want? See how empowered I am LO? Why don't you want me? Bratty teen me is kind of a mess.

mamasita
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by mamasita » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:45 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:27 pm
mamasita wrote:
Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:02 pm
Totally! And there IS indeed a void, but I am sick of looking for others to fill it and make me feel better! I should be able to fill my own voids and figure out why I think someone else can fulfill me.
Just from the bit you have shared. It seems you NEEDED LO to help you identify and heal this bratty teen.
Yes I have felt like I needed him for a long time!! :ymdevil:

But I needed him and his rejection to allow me to look at me, I didn't need him for what I thought I needed him for...

L-F
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by L-F » Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:07 pm

It's great that you recognize that because once they have helped us to identify these things (hidden parts of self) they are no longer needed.

Marrying LO wouldn't even come close to solving the situation. Because its not LO who can fix the bratty teen as you know.

I'd say just accept and live with this side of self and then you won't be surprised when it surfaces.

So embrace that bratty teen :ymhug:
She's the one who was unheard by the sounds of it.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

mamasita
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by mamasita » Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:17 pm

I hear you, bratty teen mamasita. :ymhug:
You are a brat but you are also strong. Empowered because you are you. Empowered because you graduated with no help. Empowered because you walked away from things that hurt you. You didn't know why everything felt so wrong and hard but you will persevere and become stronger and better at recognizing the power that is already within. Controlling a man with sex never gave me power. It took my power away and distracted me from bratty teen herself, who needed a mother, needed to grieve my mother, needed guidance, understanding, and advise. Bratty teen me mothered herself! And still turned out okay. :ymhug:
I don't need LO or anyone else to make me feel in control of my own life. Hey, I do know how to talk to myself! :)

Havb
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by Havb » Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:47 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:44 pm
I became insanely attracted to him quickly. What I eventually found out is that this guy actually scared and triggered me and made me attracted to him and made me flirt with him (I used to flirt with men unconsciously to make myself safe).
Ditto.

Welcome, Mirabee. Will be thinking of you. Hope reading Others’ stories and feedback helps you. It definitely helped me.,

I did not disclose (though he likely figured out what was up) and I’m glad I did not. If I had, I probably would have had to leave my job out of embarrassment and more.
“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” -Samuel Beckett

JupiterTaco
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri Jun 15, 2018 8:31 am

MIRABEE wrote:
Wed Jun 13, 2018 1:44 pm
Your thing about heavier guys is interesting... maybe it had something to do with your family being so much against overweight people? Looks like a form of rebellion against them, but of course that's just a random idea.

I also find it intriguing how you mention you don't like men too often - it's like hearing myself... even on datings sites or apps, I ignore hundreds and hundreds until I find one appealing, but it's the same ratio in real life. Whenever I like a guy, I like them 110%, there is no middle way. But that happens once in a blue moon. Is this something L sufferers have in common? (Well, unless you meant you mostly prefer girls instead, but that's not how I interpreted your comment :D)
:)) I am actually bisexual, though probably closer to asexual. I didn't really have to come to terms with that as much as some people do, which is strange I guess. As a teenager, I focused on guys, that's what all my (female) friends did, and I was a bit boy crazy so it was easy for me to do that, despite a couple of instances where I knew I was attracted to another girl and just tried my best to ignore it, it didn't happen very often.

Wanting heavy guys wasn't a rebellion to me, or else I could've dated them to tick off my relatives, but I was never that kind of person. In fact I would do what I could to ignore my attraction to, well in particular these two heavy guys I remember from my school days who were interested in me. For one, they were both big enough to hurt me, and two, I didn't want to do that because I saw these guys and their low self esteem and didn't want to subject them to my family. One of these guys sort of put me off in the way he came onto me, telling me that no girls would go out with him and then asked me out. 8-|

But the other guy I knew from about eighth grade to tenth grade, I truly liked. But he was friends with my middle school LO, which I wasn't about to deal with. I couldn't stand his cousin, who was an unbelievable prick. Neither of us drove and he lived quite a ways away. So there were more reasons not to get involved with this guy than there were, and it's strange to have that glaring in your face when you truly like someone but I figured I'd eventually get hurt with him so I ultimately didn't do it. All I could think about was the nasty things my relatives would say, even my mom if she met him (behind his back of course).

It would take a lot of explaining of the fat-shaming that went on in my family. Ask anybody here who reads my journal. :ymdevil: The short story is I had two heavy step-cousins whom my relatives ridiculed quite nastily behind their backs. Then on my mom's side of the family she had two cousins who were also quite heavy (female) and the male relatives I grew up with were nasty about that. One of them has a master's degree and is a head nurse at a busy hospital, but her mother only says one thing about her to this day; that she's soooo fat! I was quite lucky I have always been thin. That's why I had my grandfather's love. I'd hate to think of how I would've grown up otherwise and I swear I'm not exaggerating. It was that bad...

Anyway so it wasn't until about two years ago, that was the first time I dated a heavy guy and I liked him a lot. My mother at first was happy for me (I mean I've been single for years and years), but she signed me up for a dating site without my permission, while I was seeing this guy. Sort of says loud and clear how she felt about that situation. But yes, I'm well rid of all of my family, I do not need their nastiness in my life anymore.
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

MIRABEE
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:42 am

JupiterTaco wrote:
Fri Jun 15, 2018 8:31 am
:)) I am actually bisexual, though probably closer to asexual. I didn't really have to come to terms with that as much as some people do, which is strange I guess. As a teenager, I focused on guys, that's what all my (female) friends did, and I was a bit boy crazy so it was easy for me to do that, despite a couple of instances where I knew I was attracted to another girl and just tried my best to ignore it, it didn't happen very often.
You mean physical attraction to girls, or romantic or, both?
Sexuality is hard to figure out sometimes... I also consider myself bi to some degree as I find women sexually attractive, at least in porn. But stangely, many of my admittedly straight girl friends claim the same. It would never, ever cross my mind to sleep with a girl I know, and I could never feel romantic attraction/any kind of non-physical "excitement" about being with a girl. Even sleeping with a girl was quite the turn-off for me. It just felt like touching myself. Absolutely no fun. Sorry, that might be more than what you wanted to hear. :D

So I wonder if all hetero girls like to watch other girls a bit. In that case I'm all hetero I guess. ;;)

And yet, it's true in general that "I don't like boys that much". But the ones I find special can drive me nuts with longing!

Did you ever have a female LO?

BTW, fat shaming is just nasty, especially if it's not the person's fault. And it sucks to have a disadvantage on the dating scene that one can do nothing about. I could not date a heavy guy, but I'm happy others are attracted to them, if that makes sense.

JupiterTaco
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by JupiterTaco » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:52 am

MIRABEE wrote:
Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:42 am
JupiterTaco wrote:
Fri Jun 15, 2018 8:31 am
:)) I am actually bisexual, though probably closer to asexual. I didn't really have to come to terms with that as much as some people do, which is strange I guess. As a teenager, I focused on guys, that's what all my (female) friends did, and I was a bit boy crazy so it was easy for me to do that, despite a couple of instances where I knew I was attracted to another girl and just tried my best to ignore it, it didn't happen very often.
You mean physical attraction to girls, or romantic or, both?
Sexuality is hard to figure out sometimes... I also consider myself bi to some degree as I find women sexually attractive, at least in porn. But stangely, many of my admittedly straight girl friends claim the same. It would never, ever cross my mind to sleep with a girl I know, and I could never feel romantic attraction/any kind of non-physical "excitement" about being with a girl. Even sleeping with a girl was quite the turn-off for me. It just felt like touching myself. Absolutely no fun. Sorry, that might be more than what you wanted to hear. :D

So I wonder if all hetero girls like to watch other girls a bit. In that case I'm all hetero I guess. ;;)

And yet, it's true in general that "I don't like boys that much". But the ones I find special can drive me nuts with longing!

Did you ever have a female LO?

BTW, fat shaming is just nasty, especially if it's not the person's fault. And it sucks to have a disadvantage on the dating scene that one can do nothing about. I could not date a heavy guy, but I'm happy others are attracted to them, if that makes sense.
Both, I could be in a relationship with a woman if that was what I was looking for, but I haven't gotten involved with one. Also, I do remember reading things that women's sexuality is considered more fluid, that many women are attracted to lesbian porn and love scenes and such, but they can still I guess be straight.

I do believe my first-ever best friend was my first LO. I was way too young to be sexually attracted I think but so much of what we talk about around here, needing to be reciprocated, jealousy when LO is paying attention to someone else, a rival or whatever, preoccupied with what LO thinks of us, that sounds familiar when I look back at that friendship so... :-??
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

MIRABEE
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:19 am

Hmm, either that or you could have been simply lonely or self-conscious. I don't think it's that uncommon for kids to idealize their best friends, and neither is jealousy. I even know some adults being jealous over their friends, though I find that a bit ridiculous. :D

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