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Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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MIRABEE
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Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:19 am

Hello everyone. I'm in a bit of a wretched situation right now and desperately need your help. I've been limerent for almost a year now. My LO is one of the top managers at the company I work for. He's also a narcissist and a womanizer - I figured both myself, but it wasn't too hard.

The work relationship could actually make things easier but he's so high above me in hierarchy, we never share any tasks, we don't have to communicate and we rarely pass by each other on the corridor. (He's not based here and only comes around once a week.) However, I used to work in a project where we had to see each other on a regular basis - I took part in organizing the press conferences he gave.

He would stare at me intensely all the time, try to hold my gaze, or approach me with small remarks. Even in a crowded room, he would often address his words to me. In fact, the first time we met he entered our meeting uninvited, and didn't want to leave, because he wouldn't take his eyes off me. He also asked "jokingly" if men in the meeting could control themselves around me. Another time, we came face to face on a meeting, and he spent that hour and a half heavily flirting with me, making sexual jokes and interrogating me whether I was into a particular other guy that he seemed jealous of. I know, not quite nice OR professional.

So as you can see, it kinda started on his part, but he induced some intense feelings in me. He's not a very nice person, he has the reputation of messing with colleagues heads and he's quite narcissistic (it was terribly awkward for everyone else in both meetings I mentioned). He doesn't seem to regard his own behavior. However, I just couldn't help but fall for him. He's powerful, charming, smart, incredibly sexy for a man in his early 40s, and his entire personality is just as attractive as it is appalling in other ways.

I'm in my late 20s, I get plenty of attention from others, and I also have an SO I love and appreciate. But in the past year, nothing compared to the intense sexual desire I felt for this man. It caused me to cheat on my SO (with whom we are in a long distance relationship), I would sleep with someone else and think of LO all the time. I make excuses to just pass him on the corridor, but I can't even say hi anymore, I'm that embarrassed all that lust would somehow show on my face. It's like all the songs are about him, too. And you can guess what I spend my evenings thinking about.

Here's the thing: he will probably never make a real move on me because of how little contact there is between us. I'm leaving this job sometime soon as I'm moving together with my SO in another country. There is no set date yet, but my point is, I risk nothing by losing this job.

I think I need disclosure. I just don't know how. Obviously I still have a reputation to protect at work, but once I quit I won't care anymore. I was trying to find out more about him - bars he frequents, for instance, but couldn't come up with anything too useful. I still have his phone number though as we exchanged some work-related texts in the past.

I feel like sex may not be as spectacular as it is in my head, but even disappointment would be a relief. Damn, even some rude dismissal would be relieving at this point! He's been in my head every single day for a year now, and it's pure suffering. I can't keep it all bottled up inside. I'm not a coward, I was never afraid to approach a man, just that I normally don't have to, and under these circumstances it's really tricky. I wanna end my misery by coming clean. But how??? I just can't seem to figure it out.

Please don't tell me i should just move away with my SO and forget all about him. I know I eventually will, but I feel like after all this year's pain and anticipation I deserve and long for a decent closure. And disclosure, too.

Any advice will be more than welcome!!!

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David
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by David » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:35 am

MIRABEE wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:19 am
Please don't tell me i should just move away with my SO and forget all about him. I know I eventually will, but I feel like after all this year's pain and anticipation I deserve and long for a decent closure. And disclosure, too.
Welcome Mirabee.

I wont tell you to forget about him -if only it were that easy.

If you are going to disclose, how about disclosing to your SO beforehand to see if he's OK with you disclosing your desire to have a sexual relationship with your LO?

There is a section on the forum devoted to the pros and cons of disclosure - it rarely ends the misery. Then again we seem to have to learn from our own mistakes.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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yalegirl

Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by yalegirl » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:26 pm

My heart bleeds for you. I had (have) the same dynamic with my LO, I am divorced so that is not an issue but I was totally hypnotized by this narcissist sex addict. At one point I thought I would burst if I didn't tell him my feelings, so I did and it just sat there like a big steaming turd. Many of the guys like you are describing just play you until they get you to admit you are in love with them and then they "win". Then either nothing happens ( big let down) or something happens and you feel worse then before. Before you tell anyone anything I would read through our shared experiences on this site. Once the cat is out of the bag it is hard to stuff him back in. I wish I had not disclosed but I did and most of us do. Live and learn

JupiterTaco
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:44 pm

Welcome to the forum, Mirabee. I'm going to share a quick story of a former LO I had who was quite like yours. He'd stare at me intensely, make a show out of acting possessive of me in front of others, etc. I became insanely attracted to him quickly. What I eventually found out is that this guy actually scared and triggered me and made me attracted to him and made me flirt with him (I used to flirt with men unconsciously to make myself safe).

It sounds like this guy is crossing some serious boundaries not only as a professional, your boss, but (presumably) knowing that you're already in a relationship? One thing to ask yourself is what you hope to get out of disclosing? Are you prepared to lose your SO after disclosure, whether it's because this new person wants you, or if the new person wants to use you to prop himself up and it could eventually get back to your SO? What do you think this guy can give you, in fact what is he giving you right now that your SO or yourself can't give you?
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

MIRABEE
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:08 pm

David wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:35 am
If you are going to disclose, how about disclosing to your SO beforehand to see if he's OK with you disclosing your desire to have a sexual relationship with your LO?
Here's the thing: I already disclosed it to my SO. I wish I hadn't, only to spare him some pain. Otherwise I'm glad I was honest, he's really close to my heart, so I don't like to lie to him about anything. He grudgingly accepted I have this thing and since then, we haven't talked about it. I guess in long distance it works a bit differently, at least for us. What we don't talk about is a bit like it doesn't even exist. I know this situation is far from ideal, but at least I tried to come clean.

(Not quite related, but I've always been struggling to stay monogamous, and even if I do, I get occasional longings for others. Maybe monogamy is not for everyone. I love my SO to death, though, with a much healthier kind of love.)

MIRABEE
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:18 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:44 pm
It sounds like this guy is crossing some serious boundaries not only as a professional, your boss, but (presumably) knowing that you're already in a relationship? One thing to ask yourself is what you hope to get out of disclosing? Are you prepared to lose your SO after disclosure, whether it's because this new person wants you, or if the new person wants to use you to prop himself up and it could eventually get back to your SO? What do you think this guy can give you, in fact what is he giving you right now that your SO or yourself can't give you?
You are right, he is crossing boundaries. He has no idea about my relationship though, simply cause we aren't even close enough to share such things. It's almost like a high school crush on an older guy - he's that far from me in terms of status, age, his clique or even physical distance in the office. (And, obviously, he's not looking for a relationship - I really think he's single for a reason. He's so good looking, rich and narcissistic that girls must be all over him.)

I just find him extremely exciting. I can't help that. My SO is a wonderful person, I wanna move together with him, start a family and live out the rest of our days together... but I just desperately want to sleep with this guy at least once. Just to touch him, feel him, taste him, to know what it feels like. I imagined it way too many times and I just can't help myself! Whenever I sense him lurking behind my back I just feel like my heart (or others parts) are about to explode. :(

What happened in your case? Have you disclosed?
Last edited by MIRABEE on Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MIRABEE
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:21 pm

yalegirl wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:26 pm
My heart bleeds for you. I had (have) the same dynamic with my LO, I am divorced so that is not an issue but I was totally hypnotized by this narcissist sex addict. At one point I thought I would burst if I didn't tell him my feelings, so I did and it just sat there like a big steaming turd. Many of the guys like you are describing just play you until they get you to admit you are in love with them and then they "win". Then either nothing happens ( big let down) or something happens and you feel worse then before. Before you tell anyone anything I would read through our shared experiences on this site. Once the cat is out of the bag it is hard to stuff him back in. I wish I had not disclosed but I did and most of us do. Live and learn
See, this is why right now I think the best idea is to disclose once I leave the job. Then I have the option to go absolutely NC in case it backfires. I'm interested in your case though, what exactly did you tell him? And how did he respond?

Sounds like your guy didn't have the emotional capacity to even begin to understand how you felt... and I'm pretty sure mine is the same, so, there must be similarities.

yalegirl

Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by yalegirl » Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:39 pm

I am a professional writer and very good at expressing my feelings in words. And so as LO and I live 1500 miles apart much of our contact was by email. I felt myself expanding like a balloon to the point and that my guts were going to be splattered all over the walls if I did not confess my feelings for him, I so I did in a long email. Basically I said what at that time felt like the truth to me. That there was immediate chemistry, that I had never responded to anyone as I did to him. That within the first hour I knew his life story, his deepest thoughts, his fears his secrets etc. So I wrote that I felt that we were "soulmates" and that I wanted him to know how special he was to me. That I had no idea what the relationship would or could be like, that there were many reasons why it would not work but that I was guided by my feelings of being swept away. Well, his response was "Let's not overthink it" or some half assed thing. It occurs to me now in hindsight that he must get these kind of love declarations constantly and they are just one more notch in his ego belt. Yes I felt like I had been hit with a dopamine bomb, that if he asked I would have married him the day I met him. In retrospect this was just his game and I was another wounded lonely woman who fell for it. I never came right out screaming I love you, but I made it very clear that I was
his for the asking. The problem with these guys is that they already know it, and fortunately I came away with a shred of dignity by realizing that this is what Narcissists do to people like us.

JupiterTaco
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by JupiterTaco » Tue Jun 12, 2018 11:16 pm

MIRABEE wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 9:18 pm
JupiterTaco wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:44 pm
It sounds like this guy is crossing some serious boundaries not only as a professional, your boss, but (presumably) knowing that you're already in a relationship? One thing to ask yourself is what you hope to get out of disclosing? Are you prepared to lose your SO after disclosure, whether it's because this new person wants you, or if the new person wants to use you to prop himself up and it could eventually get back to your SO? What do you think this guy can give you, in fact what is he giving you right now that your SO or yourself can't give you?
You are right, he is crossing boundaries. He has no idea about my relationship though, simply cause we aren't even close enough to share such things. It's almost like a high school crush on an older guy - he's that far from me in terms of status, age, his clique or even physical distance in the office. (And, obviously, he's not looking for a relationship - I really think he's single for a reason. He's so good looking, rich and narcissistic that girls must be all over him.)

I just find him extremely exciting. I can't help that. My SO is a wonderful person, I wanna move together with him, start a family and live out the rest of our days together... but I just desperately want to sleep with this guy at least once. Just to touch him, feel him, taste him, to know what it feels like. I imagined it way too many times and I just can't help myself! Whenever I sense him lurking behind my back I just feel like my heart (or others parts) are about to explode. :(

What happened in your case? Have you disclosed?
That was seven years ago and no I didn't disclose. Do you know for sure that he is actually exciting, or is this something you or he is projecting which might not be true, to lure you in?
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

MIRABEE
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Re: Workplace crush - need advice on how to disclose!!!

Post by MIRABEE » Wed Jun 13, 2018 9:41 am

JupiterTaco wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 11:16 pm
That was seven years ago and no I didn't disclose. Do you know for sure that he is actually exciting, or is this something you or he is projecting which might not be true, to lure you in?
Well, of course, there's no way to find out how he really is other than actually getting to know him. I can't ever convince myself he's just a boring asshole, I need first hand experience. :P (Oh, rather "want" than "need" - I'm trying not to confuse those two words. It's just a really strong "want".)

Are you still limerent? Do you feel like non-disclosure was the right decision? I would personally find "what ifs" much more difficult to live with.

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