Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

NC unexpectedly broken

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
Post Reply
MrSpock
Posts: 434
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

NC unexpectedly broken

Post by MrSpock » Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:10 pm

Hi,

Yesterday I had a Taekwon-do tournament, this time, in the same club we practice. There are the competitors on the one hand, and the "public" on the other, which are typically family and friends of the competitors. Once the tournament begins, there is little to no interaction between the two groups.

Soon after it started, I was warming up and who the hell do you imagine showed up? yes, LO walked in with a female friend and sat somewhere within the watching crow. Considering that a few months ago she was a classmate, and she would be a competitor if she didn't drop the class after she hurt the knee, I could have realized there was a chance she'll show up, but I didn't. Thus when I saw her walk in I just panic! I was so, so unprepared for that.

In any tournament there is quite a load of pressure and anxiety (even though I've done this many many times), but now I had to add the complete emotional turmoil plus the constant distraction as I couldn't think of anything but her, and I was looking at her all the goddamn time, except when she was looking at my direction (but couldn't from the distance discriminate who or what she was looking at exactly). Fortunately, I performed very well (didn't win a thing but still), I suppose that due to the fact that I knew she was looking (or imagine she was, actually.. if I turned to see I would be writing this from the hospital :D ).

First the adult black belts compete, then we go shower and put on a suit to handle the rest of the competition. As I was heading for the showers I cross path with her. She said hello, congratulations (I did win a medal for 3º place... out of 3), I ask about her knee, she said she'll get surgery next month, then I moved on. It was a 10 seconds causal conversation.

I am an "area chief", in charge of arranging all the fights, the categories, the sequencing of all parts, writing down everything, picking up the winners and preparing the sheets for the prices (and calling the winners). It's not an easy job.

When I came back from the showers and sat down on the table, I started looking around for her and eventually realized she was gone. Still, I couldn't get her off my mind, not a second during the 13 hours that the tournament lasted (yes, it was that long). Is a good thing that I've done this before, because given the ridiculous level of distraction I was in, I could have made a disaster. I wonder how those of you who have workmate LOs keep the job :-?

On top of it, I dreamt about her last night. We were holding hands 8-|

---

And now I'm a mess. Is not that I don't know what to do (or rather what not to do). Is not that I cannot do it (or avoid doing it), is that keeping it together takes all my energy. I need to work and take care of life and I just wan't to go back to sleep.. like until all of this is over.

While in NC it was kind of easy, but it only took seeing her, and from a distance, to slap me back to the insane waters of limerence.

Fuck /:)

mamasita
Posts: 525
Joined: Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:27 pm
Location: USA
Gender:
United States of America

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by mamasita » Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:20 pm

Hi Mr Spock,

I'm sorry that limerence knocked you down. I have been there, felt like I had a handle on things and the smallest interaction would put me right back to square one. I also cannot imagine if I had to see my LO daily.

I actually thought I would see my LO yesterday. It has been a few months. But he didn't show up. I was sad at first, and then told myself that I should be relieved. I can continue moving forward, getting stronger.

Its strange to have two sides talking at once, I imagine many of us do this.

Me yesterday:
"well I won't see him, I miss him already." =((
"you don't need to see him, that is dysfunctional behavior"
"but I was so excited, I thought we might talk about..." 1, 2, and 3 (random topics)
"you don't need that, look around at all of the amazing people here today."
"I wonder if he is okay, maybe he is avoiding me or this event until his divorce goes through." :x
"NO HE IS NOT!! LITERALLY NOTHING HE DOES OR DOESN'T DO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!"
8-}
b-(

I think now that you have seen her and felt your reaction, you can use that as a test. You have a bit of a gauge in where you are on your healing journey. Hint, keep healing. :-bd

User avatar
TheMoon
Posts: 217
Joined: Sun Dec 03, 2017 10:03 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by TheMoon » Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:54 pm

mamasita wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:20 pm
"well I won't see him, I miss him already." =((
"you don't need to see him, that is dysfunctional behavior"
"but I was so excited, I thought we might talk about..." 1, 2, and 3 (random topics)
"you don't need that, look around at all of the amazing people here today."
"I wonder if he is okay, maybe he is avoiding me or this event until his divorce goes through." :x
"NO HE IS NOT!! LITERALLY NOTHING HE DOES OR DOESN'T DO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!"
8-}
b-(
This is so funny, and tragic and true. Thank you for sharing it. There isn't an emoji that expresses how it makes me feel. x

L-F
Posts: 1468
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by L-F » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:09 pm

Mr Spock I've noticed you've not responded to a couple of posts where I have tagged you. These posts talk about two things : victim playing when it comes to your DW and staying only for the kids.

Would you say that it's possible you are doing both? I noticed you gave some fine advice about sharing the house but living as a single parent. Is this where perhaps you have considered this advice but you know it won't work? And, who really plays the victim in your relationship? I'm thinking it is not your wife with the amount of times you bag her. Leaves me pondering... :-?
No one is coming to save you.
This life is 100% your responsibility.

MrSpock
Posts: 434
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by MrSpock » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:14 pm

L-F wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:09 pm
Mr Spock I've noticed you've not responded to a couple of posts where I have tagged you. These posts talk about two things : victim playing when it comes to your DW and staying only for the kids.
LOL. I know... I've have been preparing in my head the responses though, just didn't sit down to write them.
L-F wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:09 pm
Would you say that it's possible you are doing both? I noticed you gave some fine advice about sharing the house but living as a single parent. Is this where perhaps you have considered this advice but you know it won't work? And, who really plays the victim in your relationship? I'm thinking it is not your wife with the amount of times you bag her. Leaves me pondering... :-?
A proper response will go in the other posts, but indeed, I guess is correct to say we play many cards at once, and surely there is the victim card at play when I write stuff like that. Otherwise I wouldn't. As for staying for the kids, it's complicated :)

[I hate not knowing what it means but I have to ask: what it means to "bag" my wife? :-? ]
Last edited by MrSpock on Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MrSpock
Posts: 434
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by MrSpock » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:20 pm

mamasita wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:20 pm
Its strange to have two sides talking at once, I imagine many of us do this.

Me yesterday:
"well I won't see him, I miss him already." =((
"you don't need to see him, that is dysfunctional behavior"
"but I was so excited, I thought we might talk about..." 1, 2, and 3 (random topics)
"you don't need that, look around at all of the amazing people here today."
"I wonder if he is okay, maybe he is avoiding me or this event until his divorce goes through." :x
"NO HE IS NOT!! LITERALLY NOTHING HE DOES OR DOESN'T DO HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!"
8-}
b-(
LOL, that so much like I used to do!

mamasita wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:20 pm
I think now that you have seen her and felt your reaction, you can use that as a test. You have a bit of a gauge in where you are on your healing journey. Hint, keep healing. :-bd
Very good point. It was a test, and I totally failed... but indeed as in any test, it just means there is so much left to do!

Anna
Posts: 278
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
Canada

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by Anna » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:21 pm

something along those lines happened to me last week. I was calling a female colleague who had trained me 4 weeks ago on one of the new tours and I wanted her advice on something. Little did I know that LO was her driver when I called . I asked her my questions, which was something between her and me but obviously anyone around her could listen in on it. LO and a few of my other colleagues were sitting next to her, he grabbed her phone and barked his opinion on the matter to me. I was at the time a little disgusted at him for it was none of his business , plus I observed myself listening to his voice and thought " oh my god how unsympathetic he is..." and it helped me to put another item on the "unfavourable things about LO" list.
I was happy that although this was a totally unexpected 'vocal' encounter and the first since December, I wasn't triggered by talking to him. I haven't seen him since back then and don't know what that would have been like, but I am cautiously optimistic.
Last edited by Anna on Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

MrSpock
Posts: 434
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Argentina

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by MrSpock » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:31 pm

Anna wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:21 pm
... and it helped me to put another item on the "unfavourable things about LO" list.
I was happy that although this was a totally unexpected 'vocal' encounter and the first since December, I wasn't triggered by talking to him. I haven't seen him since back then and don't know what that would have been like, but I am cautiously optimistic.
Is SO good that you wasn't triggered! That's fantastic.

To say that I was triggered by her is an understatement /:)

And I don't know her enough to even add one single thing to that list! OK well, maybe one thing, she's Scorpio. My daughter is a Scorpio and OMG, she has such a temper!

L-F
Posts: 1468
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by L-F » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:58 pm

It's good to look at avoidant behavior as this might help in the long run.

I worry (yes worry), that you are sabotaging your happiness. Does this make sense? Sometimes we want things but not in reality because knowing that we can have what we want scares us more. It is easier to wish our lives away then attain our heart's desire.

I see freedom as being desirable for many couples who feel stuck. But ultimately freedom comes at a price, right? I was talking to a friend yesterday who spent a year apart from her husband due to work commitments. They are back living under one roof now since he was able to find work close to home. She was saying that even though they had been married for a long time, the year apart meant they got to experience that freedom (not with other people, in general). Living together has become challenging due to wanting things their own way (since having a taste of it).

For me its about communication, compromise and finding a way forward together, or discussing the alternative route. Either way, its about having frank discussions.

Sometimes we stand in our own way of happiness yet like to blame the other, out of fear of actually being happy.
No one is coming to save you.
This life is 100% your responsibility.

Maddie
Posts: 309
Joined: Fri Feb 02, 2018 1:09 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: NC unexpectedly broken

Post by Maddie » Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:04 pm

Wow Spock!

That must have been intense. I would have felt faint/rush of anxiety too. It's amazing you were able to concentrate. Good job, btw. I know you are probably feeling pretty obsessed right now and on an emotional roller coaster or maybe on a high from seeing her?

Just remember, you got back to some semblance of normalcy when you had NC before and you can do it again. Seems like you were able to redirect your focus on other things, like singing lessons with your daughter. You got this. Just don't go on social media...!! that was awful. I have not been on in so long and it feels grrrrreat!!!

I am having to accept more of a contentment/gratitude/stable mood that life's offering me now, vs extreme highs and lows....which always disappointed.
37, F
Ex - LO 47 , M
What a long, strange trip it's been...

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Best, Damnburger and 6 guests