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jealousy

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
yalegirl

jealousy

Post by yalegirl » Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:18 pm

As I have mentioned before on this forum I was married to my now ex for almost 40 years. I thought it was a solid relationship, but 9 years ago he left me for another woman and moved a few states away. I have done all the healing I am capable of, amazed myself by not ending up in a straight jacket or a homeless shelter. The lessons I learned along the way were hard, but the growth was good. My ex and still have a business relationship which means we must speak with each other a few times a month. He is cordial as am I. What I am having a really hard time with is letting go of vengeance. His new wife is lacking in areas where I excel, she is rather stupid and boring, This may seem mean and judgemental but that is my perception. She is "light-hearted" and an accomplished sportswoman where I like to stay home and brood. I have for 9 years held to the theory that their marriage was doomed, that he would one day wake up and think "what am I doing with this idiot" and move back to where we lived. We would be best friends if not remarry. Well apparently he adores
his wife and his new life and his posts on Facebook just glow. Meanwhile I am limerent, lonely and rather miserable. He is a social butterfly and I am an avoidant introvert. I do not stalk him on Facebook or any other social media but I do see his posts or updates on his blog which I must read for our mutual business. I am hideously jealous of him. I believe my recent limerent LO was a way to divert that energy away from the wound of his leaving me. Now that I am NC with LO and trying very hard to remove that obsession, my mind wanders back to what a failure I was as a wife. Of course he likes his new social, fun, and festive new life better then the complicated but amazingly creative life we shared. I sit and stew. Has anyone else gone through this? Please don't use the term "move on" because I can't seem to. Only my fellow Scorpios (me: Sun, Moon, and three other planets in this sign) will understand the intensity of vengeance that we Scorps can generate. If you think astrology is a crock of shit, no problem.

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Re: jealousy

Post by Spinnaker » Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:18 pm

Yalegirl~
Maybe a form of volunteer work which doesn't stroke one's ego would be helpful to keep your mind off of LO, allow your mind the chance to find perspective and gain feel good about yourself.... Just an idea. Teaching illiterate folks to read comes to mind as an option.
"I'll become what I deserve".

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Re: jealousy

Post by mamasita » Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:50 pm

Hi YG,
I love astrology, I am not a die hard believer or follower but I do think it is interesting when you get to know your sign...it also helps explain some behaviors that are "built in" if you know what I mean. I am a Leo...one of my children is a Scorpio so I am familiar with you all. 8-| :D
Why do you have to read his blog & social media? Can you at least hide his updates from your page? That would be awfully triggering, I'd imagine.
I'd also imagine that the advise to "move on" is frustrating for you because if you are still immersed in "his" business or a mutual business, then you "can't" move on, which seems particularly cruel.
I would have to remove the ex completely from my life to be able to move on. Otherwise the reminders would simply torture you.

True story:
A man leaves his wife plus their 5 children
Moves with his affair partner and divorces wife
Marries affair partner
Husband and new wife took old wife back to court and were able to get the house
old wife and children forced to leave the family home
Husband and new wife go to church where old wife/old family go
husband and new wife have friends that husband and old wife had

I would sit and watch the old wife, week after week, sit in the back of the church with her children. Disposed of and trying to be strong. It still amazes me to this day that the husband STILL had control of both women.

I eventually left the church because everyone just went along with this horrible miscarriage of justice against this woman and her children. But when it got down to it, I may have been projecting. The old wife had to DECIDE that she was going to start on a new path. Her old path wasn't even hers anymore, she just stayed on it because it was comfortable...but at the expense of ALL of her self worth.

All of that to say...I would have to completely disconnect from the ex before I could find happiness within. Otherwise he reminds you constantly of what you don't have (him). Without being reminded of him, you can start to cultivate happiness in other areas...but I believe he prevents that in this case.

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Re: jealousy

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:07 pm

Gosh, that's terrible, Mamasita! If the new wife is a PD-person, it would've been quite easy for her to turn them to her side, or at least charm them enough that they liked her more than this woman they knew for years. PDs can be quite good at that. Also it's possible that the woman didn't want to extract her children from everything they knew (even if it was turning bad for them). Anyway, why should she have had to go? She did nothing wrong. She built her life and her family and her lifestyle with her husband and probably didn't see why she should have to give it up. So sad.
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

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Re: jealousy

Post by mamasita » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:16 pm

JupiterTaco wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:07 pm
Gosh, that's terrible, Mamasita! If the new wife is a PD-person, it would've been quite easy for her to turn them to her side, or at least charm them enough that they liked her more than this woman they knew for years. PDs can be quite good at that. Also it's possible that the woman didn't want to extract her children from everything they knew (even if it was turning bad for them). Anyway, why should she have had to go? She did nothing wrong. She built her life and her family and her lifestyle with her husband and probably didn't see why she should have to give it up. So sad.
I agree that she shouldn't have had to move or find a new church & friends. But since her ex and his new wife seemed to be taking over her old life, I think that would be the only way to regain your identity, not to mention sanity. It seems like she's forcing herself through a torturous situation "for the kids" or "because it was her church first" or whatever...but after a few years of that, can you have any self worth left? Watching your husband start over and appear happy would be something that I would have to run far away from. And my kids are coming with me... B-)

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Re: jealousy

Post by JupiterTaco » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:43 pm

Yalegirl, you Scorpios are hardcore! :ymdevil:
mamasita wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:16 pm
JupiterTaco wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:07 pm
Gosh, that's terrible, Mamasita! If the new wife is a PD-person, it would've been quite easy for her to turn them to her side, or at least charm them enough that they liked her more than this woman they knew for years. PDs can be quite good at that. Also it's possible that the woman didn't want to extract her children from everything they knew (even if it was turning bad for them). Anyway, why should she have had to go? She did nothing wrong. She built her life and her family and her lifestyle with her husband and probably didn't see why she should have to give it up. So sad.
I agree that she shouldn't have had to move or find a new church & friends. But since her ex and his new wife seemed to be taking over her old life, I think that would be the only way to regain your identity, not to mention sanity. It seems like she's forcing herself through a torturous situation "for the kids" or "because it was her church first" or whatever...but after a few years of that, can you have any self worth left? Watching your husband start over and appear happy would be something that I would have to run far away from. And my kids are coming with me... B-)
I agree, but it's not like it's that easy for a divorced woman to go off and start anew. I have just always found it completely outrageous that people like this are able to come out of nowhere and infiltrate themselves into someone else's life, family, etc. and society just allows it to happen! Leave someone else's family alone! Something like this happening to our ancestors could've risked their lives and their children's lives. It was critical for them to stay within a group that may have been toxic to them. Primates still do this. That it's acceptable to behave like this says quite a lot about society, but then I've never had a lot of trust in society anyway.

I realize that probably comes across as seeing human beings as possessions to be had or lost, and that's not what I'm trying to say. Just that, for better or for worse, people depend on a support system and when that's taken away by some psycho person who comes out of nowhere to take it from them, (and make no mistake there are people who do this for fun) and it's just allowed to happen is messed up.
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

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Re: jealousy

Post by mamasita » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:05 pm

JT, I agree but I also assume that people like this are lurking everywhere! It was her husband's job to honor his wife and keep threats away from his family. The "old wife" is the sweetest, meekest, most giving person you could ever meet. A true empath who has been completely used and abused. I'm betting the new wife calls the shots in the "new" family. Just SAD!
YG, sorry for jacking your post a bit. Protect yourself, because no one else will! :ymhug:

yalegirl

Re: jealousy

Post by yalegirl » Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:56 pm

I do a ton of volunteer work, and yes it does get my focus off myself. I suspect my post was confusing so let me clarify. I have to be in touch with my ex because I am still his full time business partner. I have to speak with him a few times a week, but prefer to email. Sometimes I miss him and remember the fun we had but mostly I don't. I glance at his Facebook because it is a platform for our business but what I read on it (because it is a personal social media blog) is how his life is so damn happy.
There is always stuff about fox hunting with his new young wife (yes Brits please gag, I do mean the Tally Ho kind) the wonderful parties he goes to and his huge circle of friends. It took me nine years for me to realize we can't be friends, we can't be anything to each other but business partner and even then in a very distant way. My ex is NOT my LO. The LO I write about is the young guy I met two years ago. I guess what I was trying to say is that even though my ex has long ceased being a LO, I simply get pissed that he is so happy and I am not. My plan was for him to realize that leaving me was the stupidest mistake he ever made. That ain't happening.

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Re: jealousy

Post by Shadow » Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:54 am

Sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s hard to have someone’s happy life thrown in your face after they’ve wronged you. The pessimist in me is thinking he’s getting pleasure out knowing you’re reading up on how happy he is (assuming he knows you read his blog). Is looking at his Facebook absolutely necessary in order to conduct business? Can you stick to email alone? I’m not going to tell you to move on, but have you tried dating? It might help take your mind off your ex if you met a great guy. Do you have a circle of friends that he’s not a part of? If not, try meetup.com for opportunities to make new friends.

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Re: jealousy

Post by L-F » Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:29 am

We all see very clearly in others tendencies which we, ourselves, have overcome. The older and wiser we grow, the more we can see the arrogance of youth. The more authentic we become, the more we can see the lies of insecurity. The more vulnerable we allow ourselves to be, the more we see the dangerous symptoms of unexpressed emotions. 

There is no finish line to learning. 

There is no point where we're done growing, and all we will ever do is look down upon others who are behind us. No one is ever at the top. We are all growing at our own rates, and no matter how terrible or how enlightened we fancy ourselves to be today, the future will be sure to give us a different perspective. 

There is really no use in comparing yourself to others. There will always be someone ahead and someone behind, and there will be dozens (if not hundreds) of different scales and gradients to be behind and ahead on. 

To be number one is never final. It is and always will be a momentary, fleeting instant. But to be a growing version of yourself? That, you can be. You can be that every single day.

Vironika Tugaleva


Comparison brings heartache. If he lived a miserable life would you feel happy?
No one is coming to save you.
This life is 100% your responsibility.

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