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Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

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Rachykate12
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:32 pm
Great Britain

Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by Rachykate12 » Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:17 pm

Thanks the replies
CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:28 pm
You should not be in contact with this man,
he obviously needs you and others for validation.
interesting perspective, I had assumed I was the one that needed his validation.
CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:28 pm
Be honest with yourself, if it hasn’t gone away in 20 years, the odds of it going away by you remaining in contact with this guy are pretty much zero.

I have not been in contact for most of 20 years until very recently...I wondered if it might be worth trying a different tactic. only Im reluctant to feed his ego by admitting my infatuation

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CrushedSO
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:37 pm

Rachykate12 wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:17 pm
Thanks the replies
CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:28 pm
You should not be in contact with this man,
he obviously needs you and others for validation.
interesting perspective, I had assumed I was the one that needed his validation.
CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:28 pm
Be honest with yourself, if it hasn’t gone away in 20 years, the odds of it going away by you remaining in contact with this guy are pretty much zero.

I have not been in contact for most of 20 years until very recently...I wondered if it might be worth trying a different tactic. only Im reluctant to feed his ego by admitting my infatuation
I think you both need validation, we all do. Until we start healing we constantly seek out external esteem. You mentioned that Mr. Dirtbag slept with you and other students. That paints a very bleak picture of a sad, wounded man who sought out young women (girls really) as validation.

I realize you have been in a NC situation for 20 years. You did mention that throughout this period of NC you have constantly thought of him and hoped for contact. Now he has initiated. This will end very badly for you, and I can almost guarantee that 20 years of secretly pining will not simply end now that he is in your life.

It is your life, do as you see fit. Having been both the betrayer and the betrayed I can honestly tell you that your LO will not dress your wounds and you are embarking on a path that will most likely be unforgivable for your spouse. Tread carefully.

Knowing what I know now, if I were in your shoes I would immediately cut off all contact with this guy for life, and begin the journey into myself and also begin building a transparent marriage based on honesty and respect.

Ivanhoe
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by Ivanhoe » Tue Jun 12, 2018 5:58 pm

Rachykate12 wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:17 pm
Thanks the replies
CrushedSO wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:28 pm
You should not be in contact with this man,
he obviously needs you and others for validation.
interesting perspective, I had assumed I was the one that needed his validation.
My guess: This man is a classic narcissist - meaning he is using you and others solely for validation to help deal with extraordinary and complex early wounds (doesn’t matter his exterior affect, any external appearance can house people with almost complete false selves). He cannot give anyone much of anything real because of those inner wounds - and you cannot fix him. The whole “relationship” you have with him is a fraud on both of you. It’s not real at all from either of you.

One thing you can do to help is cry for HIS inner wound the way you might a child you don’t know with cancer you see on TV; and then cry for your own wounds, then commit to your own life with immense gratitude that you have the awareness you have and can become more real.

It’s simple and easy to do! =))
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Ivanhoe
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by Ivanhoe » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:02 pm

Meant seriously though despite the emoji. - does anyone else have experience doing this? Crying for your LO’s wounds as a way of acknowledging and getting to the truth of your own, and thus weakening the addiction?
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

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CrushedSO
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:20 pm

Ivanhoe wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:02 pm
Meant seriously though despite the emoji. - does anyone else have experience doing this? Crying for your LO’s wounds as a way of acknowledging and getting to the truth of your own, and thus weakening the addiction?
I haven’t cried for LO’s wounds but I do empathize and pity her. She was injured, wounded, manipulative and vindictive. Definitely my wound mate. If only I could turn some of that empathy inwards and be kind to myself. Easy as pie right?!

mamasita
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by mamasita » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:42 pm

Ivanhoe wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:02 pm
Meant seriously though despite the emoji. - does anyone else have experience doing this? Crying for your LO’s wounds as a way of acknowledging and getting to the truth of your own, and thus weakening the addiction?
I don't think focusing on the LO in any way is really helpful.
The more I tried to figure him out, the more immersed and invested I became in the fantasy.
Cry for your own wounds...you have a lot more insight into those then anyone else's. I mean if you really gotta cry. :-??
And how, exactly would crying for HIS wounds alleviate pain with my wounds? My natural limerent response if I knew what all of his wounds were would be to FIX them, not acknowledge them in hopes that it would somehow fix mine.

Rachykate12
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Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 12:32 pm
Great Britain

Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by Rachykate12 » Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:19 pm

Wow, you are all so deep on here. Thanks for all the advice, it's good to see fresh perspectives.
So the consensus is:
1. NC is the only way forward
2. My LO is a narcisstic scumbag (having other people affirm that feels good)
3. I need to heal/ self discover/ work on my own issues to ever feel differently. (Difficult because I didn't know I had any issues 😂 but it sounds like the LO isn't the problem but a symptom?)
4. If things get really bad I could try crying for my LO, even if no one is sure if this is a good or bad thing.

I will definitely try 1-3, and let you know how it goes.

MrSpock
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by MrSpock » Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:43 pm

Rachykate12 wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:19 pm
3. I need to heal/ self discover/ work on my own issues to ever feel differently. (Difficult because I didn't know I had any issues 😂 but it sounds like the LO isn't the problem but a symptom?)
Welcome to the club of non self-awareness :D

I also thought I didn't have any issues when the alarm clock of limerence rung and I started to wake up. Now I can't believe all that could be contained, no wonder limerence is so explosive!

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CrushedSO
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by CrushedSO » Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:45 pm

Rachykate12- may I suggest you be honest with yourself and start asking yourself what you seek in your LO? I mean validation is a given, but why?

What does he have that you yourself lack? (This is the damnation & delusion of limerence, LO has nothing for us, but we think they do).

Everything you will ever need to be whole is within. You just have to find it. That’s where the real work begins.

L-F
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Re: Contact after 20 years, driving me insane

Post by L-F » Fri Jun 15, 2018 6:27 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:02 pm
Meant seriously though despite the emoji. - does anyone else have experience doing this? Crying for your LO’s wounds as a way of acknowledging and getting to the truth of your own, and thus weakening the addiction?
Yes but there is no way of knowing theirs. What I did find was that empathy grew no matter what was experienced. Thus my compassionate side grew too. That's why I don't like LOs being objectified. They are humans with feelings and dreams of their own.
No one is coming to save you.
This life is 100% your responsibility.

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