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Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Charm
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Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by Charm » Thu May 17, 2018 8:32 pm

So if dad failed to give me unconditional love and my obsession with LO is tied up with wanting validation needed from childhood scars -
what mantra (s) can I repeat to stop myself from seeking his attention that inevitably fails me in the end anyway ?
I’m a good person?
I was a good daughter?
These seem weak and not helping!!

mamasita
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by mamasita » Thu May 17, 2018 8:49 pm

I'll share a few that I did not create, but others around here have given some great ones that I use.

When feeling that longing, desire, sadness of not having my LO I ask myself, "what can he give me that I am looking for?" "what do I need right now?"
"can I find that within myself?" The answer is YES! Often times those periods of longing are full of fantasy and made up love stories. Asking myself those very basic questions forces me into reality.

When I am considering sending my LO a message or a picture, I tell myself "No narc bait!" It s reminder to myself that I am seeking attention in a very narcissistic way. Throwing out bait in an attempt to get a "hit" from my LO. It's certainly a dose of "feel good", but I have to re-wire myself to feel good within rather than seeking validation from LO.

I'm big on mantras because a lot of my thought patterns are habitual and I don't realize I am going into fantasy land until I've already arrived there. Mantras are a good slap in the face to remind myself that limerence is a symptom of unhealthy "love" that lives deep within me. I am chasing to soothe painful attachment wounds.

mamasita
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by mamasita » Thu May 17, 2018 8:50 pm

When it comes to my dad, I tell myself that he did the best that he could but that I need to re-wire some areas that he set up that are no longer working for me.

Charm
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by Charm » Thu May 17, 2018 9:02 pm

Mamasita - thank you but just really struggling with why i need LO’s validation? I just got the biggest hug from my kids, my husband is affectionate to me so really having a hard time why im reaching to this older man who sometimes gives and sometimes doesnt!
Today finally i asked him if he was affectionate to his wife before they had marital trouble,at the start of their relation, and he answered yes he was a giver and like a loser I asked so why not give to me? And he made an excuse and got off the phone.

L-F
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by L-F » Thu May 17, 2018 9:05 pm

Hi Charm

I don't believe a mantra would work, though you could certainly try. We cannot identify what exactly happened to us until it comes to mind. All we can do is be open to many different ways of looking at limerence.

For me, limerence gave me a chance to stop and look at why it came about. As it turned out, it exposed my narc father, then when digging deeper, it exposed certain moments in time that created trauma that was never healed. Such as being smacked on the backside for jumping on the bed yet it wasn't me and no matter how hard I tried to explain this, I still got the smack. These tiny things are the ones that cause us to hold a silent mantra such as 'I'm always to blame", or "I'm not good enough", etc, and it is not until we uncover the silent mantra, the one that fits for us, that we can then apply another mantra to. The physical pain of the incident didn't stick, it was the fact I wasn't believed, nor listened to. That hurt me on an emotional/spiritual level.

However, I am a believer in positive thinking too (so long as I don't dwell in this place without allowing the ugly to rest its head on my shoulder, in other words, I try not to use positive thinking to cover up stuff, but rather compliment it).

A good place to start is to question the mantra "I was always a good daughter" to "what makes me think I was bad?"... this might help spur some memories of being bad, which then helps you to look at the picture with kind mature eyes and see that you really weren't bad. When I got in trouble at a young age, it wasn't because I was bad, it was because I was misunderstood. That in itself is traumatic when you are young and not able to comprehend the situation.

Such things as falling over and breaking my father’s precious cup turned into "YOU STUPID CHILD!" never mind the fact that boiling tea had landed on me. Ever since then I found myself wobbling when carrying him his cup of tea. In this situation, I wasn't BAD, but I was hurt on different levels, physically, emotionally, mentally.

This is the stuff they call 'Childhood Emotional Abuse' which many if not all of us suffered at one point or another. Some it may not have affected, while others may have memories buried down deep where unconscious trauma lays.

So you are NOT bad and never were. However if you have to keep reminding yourself, then do. It won't hurt to tell yourself that.
Just breathe...

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Spinnaker
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by Spinnaker » Thu May 17, 2018 10:00 pm

Such perfect advice, L-F!

You gave me something to ponder... emotional abuse which has passed down generations. I think it's good to explore ways in which our parents themselves were hurt on different levels.... physically, emotionally and mentally. Noticing the patterns or self defining mantras the've instilled in you can being awareness to understanding our issues. Once discovered and recognized for what they are and seeing how we've blocked, minimized, coped, repeated, perpetuated, or whatever we've internalized and acted out dysfunctional patterns in our own lives, we can create change.

It's a process.... and we can get stuck or bypass stages of this process because it's so damn hard to accept. Answers don't come overnight and we can't wish ourselves well. Try to be your own friend, Mamamista, and see your scars through loving eyes not assigning blame or shame. Identify and accept the truth with faith that you are on the road to positive change.

I think you are doing a terrific job of pursuing self discovery and healing. Glad we have this forum for support! :ymhug:
"I'll become what I deserve".

Ben Howard

Charm
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by Charm » Fri May 18, 2018 12:26 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu May 17, 2018 9:05 pm




Such things as falling over and breaking my father’s precious cup turned into "YOU STUPID CHILD!" never mind the fact that boiling tea had landed on me. Ever since then I found myself wobbling when carrying him his cup of tea. In this situation, I wasn't BAD, but I was hurt on different levels, physically, emotionally, mentally.
Or being called a piece of shit at the age of 35 because you called him out on something- for me childhood was a lot better because as a narcissist he had a number one fan and that to a narc is priceless since I was a captive audiemce, always complied and never questioned but once I left home and married DH the real anger and abuse came so I’m a late bloomer !
Thank you all for fantastic mantras/advice

Moira
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Re: Suggestions on Mantras pls!

Post by Moira » Tue May 22, 2018 6:21 am

Here’s a thought that’s helped me. A friend once explained to me that we aren’t a half of a heart seeking a half of a heart, as if we need this other person to become whole. We are already a whole heart, all on our own.
We are already enough.
Embarrassing confessional time, but I developed a practice of giving myself a peck on the lips in the mirror every damn day. No matter how unloveable I was feeling.
I found I had wounds from my father but also from my mother. This may sound strange but I had to wrap my arms around myself and accept myself as a mother should. This has brought healing. It’s a process, please be compassionate to yourself. :)

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