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scary sad things

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Johnny boy

scary sad things

Post by Johnny boy » Thu May 17, 2018 4:02 pm

The onset of limerence was overwhelming last May, entirely overwhelming. I’d never experienced such an intense sensation. The mere sight of her was pure dopamine; a drug I’d never tried. I don’t care what the world of psychiatry says; limerence is a very real and very debilitating emotional/mental condition and I’m actually glad to have found this site. It’s been comforting on many levels to realize that I’m not the only one dealing with the shame and the guilt and the secrecy and the madness. It’s not been pretty. Limerence struck me dumb, literally and I had no idea what was happening. This May, 1 year later, the limerence is not so much; perhaps 40 percent of what it was. Though there are better and worse days, generally I get the facts; she will never be mine and I’m beginning to not want her anyway; which is new and very perculiar. I never considered what would happen if I found out that my LO was actually kind of a disappointing person with clearly many of her own issues. I'll take it though.

As victims of limerence we mean well. Perhaps some of us are only guilty of falling in love with the notion of someone. But, I think if there are so many scary sad feelings surrounding LO, it begins to feel very unhealthy and dark and it’s not a sexy feeling. Certainly it's not romantic. The feeling I have about the whole thing is turning into this gross, shameful sensation. It's unhealthy on so many levels. I feel like the last year has been a struggle to overcome mental illness. I feel as I’ve been a mental patient who doesn’t realize he’s crazy and though he is free to leave the asylum, he cannot because he’s become too accustomed to the asylum walls. It’s been exhausting. One year in and I’m left with a lingering sense of emptiness and the haunting dread of having encountered the only woman that’s ever made me long for marriage and other such institutions I’ve never understood—only to find that it was all a very beautiful delusion that turned grotesque. Also, I realized that this person is the last woman a guy like me should want to marry. I’m certain this will keep fading until it’s just a gross memory on the dark horizon of my recollection. Ironic how beautiful it all was when it started and how real it all seemed. I’m not sure why I needed to experience this, but I hope to God it never happens again. I’m fully willing to forfeit the dopamine rush if that means avoiding the scary sad feelings of emptiness the crash brings. Not out of the woods yet, but it's relieving to see some light through the trees. I guess the idea is to come out on the other side wiser and stronger and enlightened.

marko
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Re: scary sad things

Post by marko » Thu May 17, 2018 6:32 pm

Great insight and our timing similar. It's strange to have to pull apart attraction and liking someone and have to bounce it off your emotional state and wonder if it's healthy or not. I can pass the worse of LE, but I can't trust myself to love correctly. That buzz just hits and away I go. Not entertaining these thoughts seems to mean I can't entertain any whatsoever. The only concious I have is to try and stop after it begins and the rub is that that involves more thinking. Well here's to better days :)

townshend
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Re: scary sad things

Post by townshend » Thu May 17, 2018 10:54 pm

Yep that’s the feeling! Welcome to the forum ya definitely helpful to put a name to it, read of other experiences and get the advice of a lot of great people here. If you don’t want to go through it again, and want to make it worthwhile as at least a learning experience, than look to why it ever happened - look past the LO and the feelings but what the real internal issues that lead to this were. I don’t think it’s enough to just get over this one particular LO without ever correcting what the real problem that made them an LO was.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

johnny boy

Re: scary sad things

Post by johnny boy » Fri May 18, 2018 7:46 am

I wish I knew what caused in the first place. At one point I wondered if it was a curse. A gypsy hex of some kind. After all, the circumstances of it happening were as likely as all the planets lining up in perfect formation. It made me wonder if it was sheer coincidence or if the universe was conspiring to drive me crazy. Never experienced such a thing. I guess a man prides himself on being hard on the inside and unaffected by such gushing emotion. Yet, against my better judgement, I was sitting there thinking of how I wanted her to bare my children--though I don't even want kids. I wanted to marry her in a church, even though she doesn't believe in God and I don't believe much in marriage. The day dreams were endless and all were coated in a warm glaze; I finally understood Beatles songs.

I'll tell you something else, a couple female friends inquired what had come over me. They could sense something was going on--I was majorly distracted all the time and asking them if they believed in love at first sight, not my normal way of doing things. I finally told one of them about the entire debacle, the entire sick comedy. She did laugh and I couldn't really blame her. She thought the entire story was extremely neurotic and speculated that I was having an early mid life crisis. She was baffled and asked me how it was that I could be so frazzled by such a mediocre looking woman as LO. Obviously my friend was only trying to help me see the light but the limerence had eclipsed my better judgement. So maybe, eclipsed judgement played a huge role. I'm really not sure what caused it. Not sure how I'd find out unless I went to a therapist maybe. I think it would be great to talk to a therapist, but honestly I'm afraid of what else that therapist would find when he/she looked under the hood; I'm a mess. I guess this could be PTSD; a residual effect of becoming an orphan earlier than most people do (I'm now in my late thirties). With all the emotional damage people acquire in a lifetime, it's a wonder anyone isn't a mess by the age of 37.

JohnDeux
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Re: scary sad things

Post by JohnDeux » Fri May 18, 2018 1:36 pm

johnny boy wrote:
Fri May 18, 2018 7:46 am
..... I finally understood Beatles songs.
:)) =)) :)) =))

Excellent and much understood introduction....welcome here and I hope you find some good support, advice, and information that may help with recovery. Like you and most here, the fact that the effect became all-consuming (and ill-inducing) was what set it apart from the standard starry-eyed crush. Maybe someday it will be more recognized,....for now there is this forum and here's hoping it is of help to you. Welcome here....
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

marko
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Re: scary sad things

Post by marko » Fri May 18, 2018 7:39 pm

What will become interesting is when you get to stand back, you wonder what those songs triggered as the meaning leaves. I projected the music a girl like her would like and they had meaning. Now they remind me of LE and some of them I'm like wtf was I thinking. Some are still cool and I also enjoyed (a bit) returning to older tear jerking romantic songs I revisited. This also uncovered part of what I do with the LE escape thing.

Maddie
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Re: scary sad things

Post by Maddie » Fri May 18, 2018 9:02 pm

Jb-
I couldn't agree more with your intro. The things I can relate to most was feeling blindsided, wondering why this person is ALWAYS on my mind...and, I also have the goal of coming out of this and in better emotional condition than when it all began.....
Best of luck to you. This forum has helped me!
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

johnny boy

Re: scary sad things

Post by johnny boy » Sat May 19, 2018 3:46 am

I hear that about the romantic songs. I don't really listen to them, but if I'm at a restaurant or a grocery store and hear them, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, because now I identify with them---very hard for me to believe how I've changed, as if I'm wearing a necklace of kryptonite. Before the limerence happened for the first time last year I questioned whether or not I could feel anything; I was content in my numbness. Likewise with films. I used to always wonder why they had to put romantic scenes in movies. I'd usually fast forward over them while the woman I was watching with would want me to leave the scene on. Sometimes I'd get a drink or go for a leak during those scenes. I just couldn't identify. To me romance always seemed so phony and dramatic and self-absorbed. I've never been the kind of guy women want to take home to meet their parents. Women usually just want to use me for escape, entertainment, gratification or bizarre mind games---not cuddly romance. I was fine with that, up until last May. However, this limerence has seemed to open me up somehow and I"m not sure that's a good thing. How is it good to be vulnerable and open to emotions you can't control? How is it good to hear a song on the radio and just sigh in despair.

Really, I want my numbness back. And just for a small insight let me tell you something. A few years ago I went out with a curator. She was a bit pretentious, I'm not going to lie. She modeled herself after Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. She would quote Dickinson and if that didn't work she'd quote Plath. She referred to her years in ballet as her dedicated era to 'the dance'. You get the idea. Very cute though. I came to pick her up one evening and there was a guy leaving her apartment. His eyes were swollen and red and he was clearly grief stricken. I went in and sat on her couch. She made some tea. She had a Cure album playing and that's what had made the guy cry she postulated. I asked her who the guy was. She told me he was a guy she'd recently broken up with. Apparently he couldn't let it go, perhaps he was limerent. She said he'd cried on her couch and begged her to try loving him back. She seemed amused by it and that sort of turned me off. It seemed so cruel coming from such a sweet girl. Meanwhile I felt nothing for her. Nothing beyond the prospect of getting her into bed. She turned away a guy who loved her for a guy who clearly didn't. We didn't last very long. I ended up throwing a grenade into it and destroyed it completely; I wound up hurting her feelings so bad and have never felt right about it no matter how much I apologized to her. Meanwhile, that guy who left, who'd cried on her couch; he'd have put his hand in the fire for her. I didn't cry on LO's couch, but believe me, I would have put my hand in the fire for her. So, I guess Karma really is a bitch and it was my turn to be love struck guy. It sucks and the songs don't help and the films don't help and the people making out in the street really don't help. It all makes me think of what LO is doing with someone else who probably doesn't desire her as much as I did and still sort of do. It would be sort of funny if it weren't so sick.

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