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Desire to merge

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
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Lim
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2017 7:54 pm
United States of America

Desire to merge

Post by Lim » Fri May 11, 2018 6:16 pm

Things have been going rather well. I recently won a couple of awards, which boosted my self esteem and made me feel a lot less desperate. I even met LO's wife and child recently at a department party and felt nothing but affection toward both of them. It made me feel really guilty for ever attempting to gain the affections of someone else's husband. Since then, I have resolved to distance myself from him, if only for her sake. I have acted very badly.

Today's been really rough though. I have this nagging, aching feeling, a real physical pain/nausea. There's almost nothing about him I don't love and his refusal to cross any boundaries (while still being extremely kind to me) makes me love him that much more. It seems I want to be around him all the time even though I have nothing to say to him or need to hear from him. I've already been validated by him in so many ways. I don't even know what I want from him anymore.

I guess it's the physical separation from him that feels like death to me. I just want contact, any kind of contact. Eye contact, conversation, a nod of recognition. But the second it's over I need more. More, more, more.

Every time we are together, instead of enjoying myself, the whole time I am thinking: "please don't let this end, don't make me leave, how can I extend this conversation?" Sometimes I try to leave and I find my body physically refuses to so I mumble and say things just to avoid leaving. (How immature!)

I remember feeling like this as a kid, too. It's that feeling of absolute dread when you know something good is going to end, like the school day, or a class with your favorite teacher, and it's time to go back home.
Last edited by Lim on Sat May 12, 2018 1:37 pm, edited 8 times in total.
I’m a 21 year old female (single).
My LO is a 54 year old male (married w/ kids).

Shadow
Posts: 141
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2015 6:12 am
United States of America

Re: Desire to merge

Post by Shadow » Fri May 11, 2018 9:25 pm

I'm glad things are going well. Congratulations on your awards.

I feel your pain. The desire for validation, contact, etc. There will be good days and bad days, but as time goes by the good days will far outnumber the bad ones. Hang in there!

Kim
Posts: 110
Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:58 am
United States of America

Re: Desire to merge

Post by Kim » Sat May 12, 2018 1:41 am

Lim wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 6:16 pm
(How immature!)
Lim, I don’t think that’s immature of you. You can’t help how you feel. I feel exactly like you do and I’m 53!

You are being mature by not acting on those feelings and being respectful of LO’s family life. Good for you!

JohnDeux
Posts: 1705
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Desire to merge

Post by JohnDeux » Sat May 12, 2018 1:50 am

Lim wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 6:16 pm
....that feeling of absolute dread when you know something good is going to end, like the school day, or a class with your favorite teacher, and it's time to go back home.
Stay strong, Lim, we all know the feeling. Just highlighting the above as what you may wish to come back to as a reminder of where this feeling comes from. If school or outside distractions and praise was the polar opposite of being at home.....the latter, a place that may have been associated with 'dread'....then this juxtaposition will be at work inside of you today with you being alone/abandoned as an equivalent of "home" and LO (and his fun/interesting family) as both a source of desire....and envy, for what you may not have had in your own home life. Good observations and strength to you in your journey.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

JupiterTaco
Posts: 2820
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Desire to merge

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat May 12, 2018 2:37 am

This is good news, Lim. It can be helpful to figure out the source of the feelings of LE and where they come from. Keep on keeping on! :)
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, yeah,"-Madonna, 4 Minutes

Oh and...it's also a proverb... :-\

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