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Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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Scs
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Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 10:20 am

Question

Post by Scs » Mon Mar 26, 2018 8:20 pm

At my very first session of my couple therapy my t asked me what would happen if my partner would love me less( less of what I wish )... I could not answer ..,
What would happen? would be my life compromised ? I am going to be a less worthly person?

MrSpock
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Re: Question

Post by MrSpock » Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:19 pm

But that is a bit of a tricky question...

What would it actually mean to love you less? And how would you tell?

Suppose you start noticing that she/he is focusing too much on what she/he wants and needs than on your needs. While loving you less would indeed result into that, that on itself does not necessarily follows from she/he loving you less. Not in the way that ultimately matters. We are all limited and influenced, sometimes almost controlled, by our own condition and situation, so we might end up less able to express love (or
to act lovingly as I much rather put it), temporarily or not.

So, to love you less would mean that, along each and every second of the day, her/his actions are less of an expression of love than before, regardless of the underlying causes for that? (such as having 24 kids, or night shifts 7 days a week, or a sudden cancer)

Or, to love you less would mean that she/he is just loosing interest, or commitment, to love you (which is to express love to you in her/his actions)?

There would be quite different responses to these two possibilities. In the former, I would turn the table and increase my own love for my partner to keep the balance. In the later, I would start to let her go.

L-F
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Re: Question

Post by L-F » Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:09 am

Perhaps to build empathy. Perhaps T senses you love SO less? And its a way to help you see what you are doing... that is... if your priorities are out of whack. That LO has the spotlight as opposed to SO perhaps? Idk. Only you'd know if you loved SO less. And I'm thinking T has an inkling s/he'd like to explore.

Perhaps next time, tell her/him that it is an interesting question and ask why they are asking it?
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Scs
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 10:20 am

Re: Question

Post by Scs » Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:43 pm

Thx LF
I am a SO and my partner is le impacted. So T wanted to know how do I feel about my so thinking and feeling all the time for somebody else. I told T: loved less...
t replied : and ? If you are loved less?

I can not stop thinking about that question.. it is 2 months thinking...

Scs
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 10:20 am

Re: Question

Post by Scs » Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:18 pm

Scs wrote:
Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:43 pm
Thx LF
I am a SO and my partner is le impacted. So T wanted to know how do I feel about my so thinking and feeling all the time for somebody else. I told T: loved less...
t replied : and ? If you are loved less?

I can not stop thinking about that question.. it is 2 months thinking...
I realising now that for a year I have tried to control my Le impacted partner. I wanted to control him to meet my needs to relief my insecurity and to fill all the gaps I have accumulated in my infancy. This is what I did during all years of our relationship (25 years). I have not controlled him in the way I was checking on what he was doing or where he was going I always set him free to the point it took a year before knowing what was happening ( he was having a limerent emotional reciprocated affair).
When I realised that he was limerent I wanted to control his emotions his feeling .. I was terrified his feeling could go against me and I put all my happiness on the man who had everithing my dad did not and I needed. I wanted to rescue him from his pain with any weapons I had in my belt. I wanted to reconnect him with everithing I think is good for him. But reality is that I wanted good for myself I wanted to rescue ME from my pain . We can not change people they need to change themself when they are ready and when the are willing to do so. I forgot that we can not put all our happiness on a human being. I forgot that humans being are just humans. They have the right to feel,to change,to get better,to get worse, to do great, to do bad to please and to hurt, they evolve everyday or never evolve at all, as all humans including myself. They get bored, they change opinions,they may be not the person you thought you could live without. To summarise they are just humans. So “let them go let God”



THIS IS WHAT T WANTED TO MAKE ME to THINK ABOUT.. I am codependent and I put all my happiness in the hand of a very human man. Happiness is inside us we need to find it. Love is sharing our own autonomous happiness.

MrSpock
Posts: 848
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Age: 48
Argentina

Re: Question

Post by MrSpock » Thu Mar 29, 2018 1:19 am

Scs wrote:
Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:18 pm
( he was having a limerent emotional reciprocated affair).
I'm sorry to hear you are an impacted partner. I know how devastated it would be for my wife if she knew, and I didn't even did anything with LO besides wanting her and thinking about her 24/7
Scs wrote:
Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:18 pm
But reality is that I wanted good for myself I wanted to rescue ME from my pain .
Hold that thought.
Scs wrote:
Tue Mar 27, 2018 3:18 pm
THIS IS WHAT T WANTED TO MAKE ME to THINK ABOUT.. I am codependent and I put all my happiness in the hand of a very human man. Happiness is inside us we need to find it. Love is sharing our own autonomous happiness.
Exactly.

In my humble opinion, Love doesn't hurt, it is "wanting" which does. It is when we want something from someone when we are being codependent. Whereas when we give, when we, truly, honestly, want something for someone, we are free, and we let them be free.

Indeed happiness lies within ourselves. But there is a catch... that can be read to mean that all I need to be happy is fly to Mars to be all alone and quite happy with myself. No, it doesn't work like that.

In my humble opinion, happiness does lay within ourself, BUT, in what we do with others... or, rather, HOW we do what we do with others.
Notice that this is still under our control for we decide how to do what with do, it is in that sense that happiness lies inside, but we can't be happy being alone. And while we surely can't be happy being with other people the wrong way, which is wanting to control them, unable to let them be free, it doesn't follow that then we can just be on our own and be happy at the same time.

All of the above in my humble opinion.

Scs
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Feb 03, 2018 10:20 am

Re: Question

Post by Scs » Thu Mar 29, 2018 8:59 am

Thx Mrspock I always can feel you

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