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NC -- Thoughts

A tough thing to do - the pros and cons
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AMA210
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NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 10:57 pm

I was thinking about why LO didn't respond to any of my written disclosures. It would have been the "kiss of death" for him because he knew exactly how I felt about him, so any admittance of attraction or feelings would be a green light. Early on, we both agreed that we didn't want to get divorced and didn't want to be home wreckers. Why would that have even been discussed if it wasn't a possibility? It wouldn't have been, period.

The question for myself becomes why was I so willing to be in a PA with him? Looking back on past interactions and hugging and closeness, we were dancing around the edges of an affair, without actually being in one. This continued the connection, and sort of playing with fire under the guise of friendship makes sense now. Even knowing that I was forbidden from contact with him didn't work. He continued to present himself and taunt me and I didn't turn away.

Why not just reject me? If he truly wasn't interested, amused, attracted, why bother with the dance, the game? To feed his ego. The only reason he started rejecting me in May, with walking away, was because I told him to. Yep, I told him that is what I wanted him to do -- push me away and tell me no.

In Sept, October and November, I made sure the connection remained intact. I wasn't pursuing him directly, but by driving by, I was engaging him and he wasn't leaving the area or turning around. So many times with so many "poses". His behavior told me if he would accept a stop from me and he did.

So now I have to ask myself if this was an ongoing EA or not? It was a secret from his DW because if she knew about all of this, she would have told me off again. Nothing from her. My DH knew I was driving by, but he didn't know about the stop.

Perhaps the example set before us just about the time we had our car talk really hit home. At school, it was found out that a teacher and parent were having a PA for 2 years. They both quit and took their kids out. If that didn't happen, I think we would have been more likely to fall into it. I even mentioned to him that I never knew how people could do that, but now I get it. His reply was a strange, yeah, you really have to think about that before you get into it. :-?
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Endgame
Posts: 248
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Endgame » Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:33 pm

Haven't read all your back story but it was very similar with myself and my ExLO, long time ago now. Dancing around it, always. He never exactly reciprocated yet did in so many ways and encouraged me to disclose so much. And it very much was an EA.

I too went round in circles asking why did he allow that if he never wanted it? The only thing that ultimately ended it was the threat of his OH finding out everything, after I disclosed to my OH. Years later I've come to the conclusion that there is no answer other than lack of control. And maybe an element of boredom / ego boosting.

Everyone has fantasies. Even married couples look at other people. But my LO didn't have the control to not allow fantasy to play out, just a little. What he did have was 'morals' (of sorts) that enforced the sense it was wrong, plus a hefty dollop of cowardice despite admitting things weren't ideal with his OH and I was his fantasy. But not everyone wants their fantasy to become a reality. And some people don't have the willpower to therefore lock it up in a box and leave well alone if it's presented to them on a plate.

AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 1:18 am

This was a "safe" connection for both of us. There was an unspoken rule that neither of us would tell the other spouses what was going on because neither of us were home wreckers. No one was hurt by this, except me, being the limerent one. All it reality takes is crossing a line once and then the next time, you don't even think about it. A done deal and then it moves to another line and I imagine the lines get blurred until you get to the point of no return. Once it's broken, you can't go back and unbreak it. I would have settled for very little of his time and I would be in a much more painful position than I am right now.

I am seeing this and him an a different way now. I actually feel bad for his wife and I am not exactly sure why I was never intimidated by her. I had no respect for her because she obviously did or didn't do something to cause him to look for attention from the outside. That shouldn't have happened, just like it shouldn't have happened in my marriage.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1924
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sun Nov 19, 2017 4:26 pm

Passing the school on weekends is "safe" for me. I passed yesterday at 4pm and on approach, I see a guy, all in black, pants, jacket and hair strolling across the parking lot. Yes, it was LO. Another 3 second window. This continues to boggle my mind.

With all I have told him in the past month, I feel that I must leave him be (again). He needs to feel abandoned. Perhaps ask himself why he couldn't respond to anything, ever. If I continue to "chase" him, he will learn nothing, and either will I. I don't know if he will assume the "chaser" role or not and this scares me. Although I think not because he is so passive. I left a door open for him to talk about anything, as friends.

I feel in my heart that the limerence is fading, and although I still desire him, I am beginning to look at myself and what caused me to be so willing to continue the EA and begin a PA. I need to do this work. He can't look at himself with me around and I can't do it either with him around. I feel that the separation is the right path now. I also feel that this "story" is not the end. I would like to think it is, but I truly believe that it isn't.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1924
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:48 pm

I would say the limerence has stopped. I don't feel obsessed with LO anymore, nor compelled to see him or look at his pictures. Despite this, I have a deep care for him and I feel connected to him from a spiritual context. It's different than how I feel about DH. It's not better or worse, just different. I don't get high anymore, but sometimes I get a more peaceful feeling.

I still think LO is attractive and probably always will. All of my perceptions of LO and all of the words that I have used to describe him may not fit with how he views himself. Perhaps he thinks he cannot measure up to that idealized version. If someone (especially of the opposite sex) had told me I had beautiful eyes and was gentle, yet alluring, I would be like, what the hell you been smoking? Of course, being the mirror, I am all of the things also, minus the boyish smile part. :D

Now I am struggling with "how do I become a whole person"? I want to be, but not sure how to get there exactly. So, for now, I continue to read and incorporate. I saw him 2 weeks ago at the craft fair. Seems like a really long time ago, but it isn't.

DH and I have had several date nights last week, which were nice. Although, he continues to expand his mind via the TV and seems to be content where he is, with no awareness or inclination for personal growth. Since I have learned that I cannot control him or change him, I leave him be. The other day I was trying to explain about higher consciousness and how little we use of our conscious brain and he didn't get it. I tried to explain how there is divinity within each of us, because our soul contains that element, and it was like I was speaking a foreign language. I got frustrated and gave up. We are just at different places and I accept that.

We have a male friend, who would be a perfect candidate for Limerence. He needs a rock to fall onto his heart and break it up. That got me thinking about myself and why I was "chosen" for this journey. Why was LO chosen? I remember a long time ago after LO dropped into my world and me praying for him to be taken away from me because I knew he would be a temptation. I prayed for weeks to remove him from my life. The answer was no, he stays. I never could figure that out, but I get it now.

Moving onwards....
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Pudding
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Pudding » Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:57 pm

Aqua, this is very helpful to me. I feel like it’s where I’m aiming to be. Thank you. I am so proud of your success :ymhug:
F 39
LO is M 37, my son’s former teacher
LC beyond my control ~x(
LE began in the fall of 2015

AMA210
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sat Nov 25, 2017 3:52 pm

Thanks for sharing that Pudding. You will get there.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1924
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by AMA210 » Sat Nov 25, 2017 4:01 pm

For those who had a PA, and also being married, the opportunities for personal growth are diminished. I imagine the focus would remain on the LO for much longer and work on the individual self would be taken over by the guilt, shame and pain caused to SO and family.

From where I sit now, we made the right decision to not go there. I think if we hadn't had the example of the teacher and parent right in front of us, and had seen first hand how the lives of 6 children were changed, we would have been more apt to fall into it. LO was stronger than me, in that regard, and just from being a guy, proves that not all men are after one thing. If he was weaker than me, it would have been a disaster. The combination of his weakness and my hormones would have been lethal.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

mamasita
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Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by mamasita » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:03 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Sat Nov 25, 2017 4:01 pm
For those who had a PA, and also being married, the opportunities for personal growth are diminished. I imagine the focus would remain on the LO for much longer and work on the individual self would be taken over by the guilt, shame and pain caused to SO and family.

From where I sit now, we made the right decision to not go there. I think if we hadn't had the example of the teacher and parent right in front of us, and had seen first hand how the lives of 6 children were changed, we would have been more apt to fall into it. LO was stronger than me, in that regard, and just from being a guy, proves that not all men are after one thing. If he was weaker than me, it would have been a disaster. The combination of his weakness and my hormones would have been lethal.
I hear you. I go back and forth between :(( why doesn't he want me like I want him? and Thank goodness he has restraint because I don't. :-s That's not to say that I don't still want him, but there is a small part of me that is just starting to appreciate his restraint for the long term benefit of everyone.

Endgame
Posts: 248
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: NC -- Thoughts

Post by Endgame » Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:37 am

Yes, it's ironic that the thing we chase so vehemently (reciprocation) is often so greatly appreciated for not being presented, once there has been some distance. Shows what tricks the mind plays vs what we think we want.

Or, rather, the strength of hormones and the need for temporary distraction from reality.

With LEs where there isn't a real basis for the relationship, I think NC can be greatly aided by debunking the projections. Which is very difficult when you can only see via a lens of them, but still possible with awareness. Eg....

*No, they weren't 'waiting' for you. They just happened to be there.
*No, they weren't talking about you. What they said was about someone else.
*That thing they said that you pored over? Probably a typo.
*You don't know them. They would most likely be nothing like your expectations if you did.
*You're not special. They give multiple others just the same attention as you OR they are purely reciprocating the attention you give them, which is natural.

Systematic reworking like that can help to demystify all the built up thoughts that limerents daydream over for hours and, when you're attempting to go NC, make the whole thing more painful. Days alone with romanticized thoughts can be unbearable. Cut through the fantasies and you can get there quicker.

Of course, if there was truth - you'd be deluding your self to say it was never real. But this tactic may work for the rest, & those able to think objectively enough.

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