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The urge to "check in"...

Open forum ... what's on your mind? Want to vent or lament about your Limerent/Love Object? This is the ideal place.
ReeledIn
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The urge to "check in"...

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:04 pm

Here I am at work today and the urge to "check in" with LO just keeps getting stronger after 4 mos of very little contact...almost none.

He sits about 40 feet to my immediate right with a person and a half wall between us. I can ear him talking to our coworkers if I remove my headphones.

LO has told me that he will always be receptive if I ever start a convo with him...and that's because he really treasured our friendship. There is a part of me that REALLY, REALLY misses that friendship....it was just nice to have a lunch buddy and someone to hang out with and talk to.

So the urge is strong. I sense his precense all day and I almos start an IM to him every hour or so.

I keep telling myself that if I start this I will only be disappointed by whatever interaction comes of it, and I will only be MORE limerent.

I welcome any other messages I should be telling myself!
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Cookie
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by Cookie » Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:26 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:04 pm
LO has told me that he will always be receptive if I ever start a convo with him...and that's because he really treasured our friendship.

I keep telling myself that if I start this I will only be disappointed by whatever interaction comes of it, and I will only be MORE limerent.
Dissect that first thing for a minute: "LO has told me that he will always be receptive if I ever start a conversation with him." Who has all the power there? He does. And I don't know your LO but in thinking about your previous posts, it seems he kind of likes it this way. In the normal world, I'd respond to that with something sarcastic like, "Wow, how big of you."

What he did there IMO was left the door open for you to come back again. To want him and be interested in him. But not to reciprocate actual feelings, of course. Just keeping you on the fishing line til the hook starts to hurt again.

So yes, you know there will be disappointment from the interaction because he will never return from this what you want. So the cycle of withdrawal, pain, self-doubt starts all over again.

No, girl. Find ya a good pal to start doing lunch with. Go have some laughs and come back to the office cheery.

Reeled, we seem to be peas in a pod in the ol' limerence world. Your post reminded me of something the LO said when he had "gone silent" for a week. I had poured my heart out to him about a family illness and the stress it was causing, and I was getting frustrated at his lack of response. So he said, "Hey, I don't always know what to say, but I am always listening." Umm....my cat and dog are more conversational than that. At least they meow and bark in response.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
Current LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

ReeledIn
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Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by ReeledIn » Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:20 pm

Cookie, everything u say is right on the nose. Love the fish hook analogy.

LO and I had many arguments about him taking all the power and making all the decisions in our "relationship." It pissed him off to no end when I would say..."Why do YOU get to make all the decisions????"

In fact ...one of our final lunches together he asked me to choose the restaurant because he was trying to be more fair about things...and after I chose a place... he almost suggested a different place, but stopped himself. He just cannot help himself.

And yes, I need more friends at work, but most people here don't develop much of a relationship...it's kind of sad. I can make more of an effort..and yes he can see my face when I talk to our common neighbor. ..I make sure he sees me smiling and laughing as much as possible. It's fun.

I believe that he believes I have moved on.

In one of our brief text exchanges after initiating no contact he accused me of acting like a school girl when he approached me at a company function. He was trying to make small talk and I escaped just as quickly as possible. He said, "You confuse me! It's obvious you don't want to be my friend or have anything to do with me."

I then told him that it was HIS choice to cut me out of his life...that I was just trying to give him the space he asked for. (Asshole)

So, by telling me that he is receptive if I want to have a conversation, he actually believes he is giving ME all the power. He is trying to be a gentleman and give me space but let me know that he is open to talking. To your point, what a nice gift. ...how big of him. :ymsmug:

Sorry, I didn't plan to write so much backstory here but all the writing I have been doing on the forum these last few days is really starting to help...the more I write, the more it helps.

Thanks very much for your thought provoking response!
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

mamasita
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Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by mamasita » Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:45 pm

Limerence is so annoying.
I also tell myself the same things, also that I have regret every interaction that I have initiated with him, so DON'T DO IT! It ends with utter disappointment and tears.
Last time I saw him, he approached me when I was among many other people. I could tell that he wanted me to step away with him for a more private conversation. I stayed put. Even though a part of me was SCREAMING to go to him, I just couldn't go backwards. I have spent the past two weeks now wondering if I hurt his feelings or made him feel unwanted. So basically, in trying to help myself move forward, I am worried about HIM moving forward. Pathetic. 8-|
I'm sure I am confusing. Begging him for a year and now I'm suddenly completely standoffish. Wish I could explain it all but I realize that I should not do anything of the sort.

Cookie
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
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Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by Cookie » Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:56 pm

ReeledIn wrote:
Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:20 pm
In one of our brief text exchanges after initiating no contact he accused me of acting like a school girl when he approached me at a company function. He was trying to make small talk and I escaped just as quickly as possible. He said, "You confuse me! It's obvious you don't want to be my friend or have anything to do with me."

I then told him that it was HIS choice to cut me out of his life...that I was just trying to give him the space he asked for. (Asshole)

So, by telling me that he is receptive if I want to have a conversation, he actually believes he is giving ME all the power. He is trying to be a gentleman and give me space but let me know that he is open to talking.
Your first inclination here is spot on. "You confuse me" is b.s. projection stuff, coupled with a guilt trip to keep you hanging. And calling your behavior school-girlish is adolescent. Adults don't talk this way, as a rule. He was upset that you blew him off. Asshole is right.

I wouldn't be so sure he is giving you all the power. He may be lurking in the bushes waiting for you to get lonely and desperate again so he will be there to ever-so-kindly "respond" to you again. That's not a gentleman, that's a predator.

I sense his arrogance here. I'm feeling narcissism.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
Current LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

L-F
Posts: 1924
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by L-F » Tue Oct 31, 2017 8:51 pm

I get the 'want to be friends part'. Wish I could be with LO too. Simply because she's intelligent and interesting.

The question is, would or could you trust yourself? And why put yourself in that position?

I don't believe for a second that someone who is controlling and power hungry can be like that if they don't have someone who is eager to please (want to play the 'come rescue me' game).

What is the benefit of being friends or is it the possibility of FWB that is the drawcard?
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

Cookie
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by Cookie » Tue Oct 31, 2017 9:42 pm

Checking in is a bad idea. Even in reverse.

I was having a GREAT day, and an old friend of my husband's is visiting next weekend -- we talked on the phone a bunch today to catch up -- he is bringing his son, who is our son's age!

For whatever twisted reason, I haven't "blocked" LO on Facebook (did it twice before though). Didn't think I needed to, with all his world travels and exciting bachelor life -- why would he have time or even bother with me now? I mean, he hasn't spoken to me in weeks.

Must've gotten bored (and definitely drunk) or something, because sure enough he is all over my posts, pictures, etc. I'm not even turned on by it, which I guess is a good sign. It's just made my stomach feel queasy.

So here I am, distracted and nauseous by the LO's sudden reappearance and "interest." No contact is the only way. I'm convinced. Not my first rodeo, and I'm remembering this sick feeling...

As L-F says, there is no benefit even to friendship at this point.
Female, age 52
Limerent for as long as I can remember
Have had 7 "real" LOs in the last 25 years
Current LO is male, age 44, married AND has another GF!

ReeledIn
Posts: 592
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by ReeledIn » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:59 am

Happy Halloween (~~) 8-x all... for those of you in the U.K. I'm not sure you celebrate it?
mamasita wrote:
Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:45 pm
Limerence is so annoying.
I also tell myself the same things, also that I have regret every interaction that I have initiated with him, so DON'T DO IT! It ends with utter disappointment and tears.
Last time I saw him, he approached me when I was among many other people. I could tell that he wanted me to step away with him for a more private conversation. I stayed put. Even though a part of me was SCREAMING to go to him, I just couldn't go backwards. I have spent the past two weeks now wondering if I hurt his feelings or made him feel unwanted. So basically, in trying to help myself move forward, I am worried about HIM moving forward. Pathetic. 8-|
I'm sure I am confusing. Begging him for a year and now I'm suddenly completely standoffish. Wish I could explain it all but I realize that I should not do anything of the sort.
Stay strong, Mamasita! Your words are helping me stay strong.. and yes I know that feeling of wondering if I made him feel bad. Who cares? When I start feeling that way, I replay all of the crap he said to me on the night of our big break up ... like "I used to feel strongly about you... but I just don't anymore.." and -"you just like me because I'm an exotic foreigner with great kids" (Um.. NO.. YOU are the superficial one, LO, not me.).... and when he cancelled a "date" we had very last minute so he could "go buy shirts for work" (this was the camel-back breaking piece of straw of our entire "relationship," .... some effing shirts he just had to buy.)
Cookie wrote:
Tue Oct 31, 2017 9:42 pm
Checking in is a bad idea. Even in reverse.

For whatever twisted reason, I haven't "blocked" LO on Facebook (did it twice before though). Didn't think I needed to, with all his world travels and exciting bachelor life -- why would he have time or even bother with me now? I mean, he hasn't spoken to me in weeks.

Must've gotten bored (and definitely drunk) or something, because sure enough he is all over my posts, pictures, etc. I'm not even turned on by it, which I guess is a good sign. It's just made my stomach feel queasy.
When you say "all over" do you mean he is liking your posts and pics? Ugh. I'm so glad LO and I never connected on FB.... he was too afraid of that given that he was sleeping with the wife of someone he had started to befriend... someone who cooked dinner for him.. including Thanksgiving dinner last year. Yep.. he was at our house for T'giving last year before I became i totally infatuated... This year for Thanksgiving we are going away as to not get triggered.
Cookie wrote:
Tue Oct 31, 2017 9:42 pm
So here I am, distracted and nauseous by the LO's sudden reappearance and "interest." No contact is the only way. I'm convinced. Not my first rodeo, and I'm remembering this sick feeling...

As L-F says, there is no benefit even to friendship at this point.

Oh how I know the sick feeling. I get it when I walk into work. :ymsick:

And yep... no benefit to friendship. Agreed.
Cookie wrote:
Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:56 pm
Your first inclination here is spot on. "You confuse me" is b.s. projection stuff, coupled with a guilt trip to keep you hanging. And calling your behavior school-girlish is adolescent. Adults don't talk this way, as a rule. He was upset that you blew him off. Asshole is right.

I wouldn't be so sure he is giving you all the power. He may be lurking in the bushes waiting for you to get lonely and desperate again so he will be there to ever-so-kindly "respond" to you again. That's not a gentleman, that's a predator.

I sense his arrogance here. I'm feeling narcissism.
Arrogance? MY LO? Ha! It's funny... someone at work who knows nothing of our "tryst" randomly called LO a "prima donna" recently.. .and this was a male coworker, so it's even more interesting ... meaning it's not one of the several single women in our office who want to date LO (Yes, he's known as the rooster in the hen house... or as he calls it, "my fan club.") :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick: :ymsick:

I'll happily post or PM you the 67 examples of narc behavior I came up with about 2 weeks after he initiated NC (and I'm JK as I would not wish that list on anyone unless you just want it for entertainment's sake - for a good laugh. ). A light bulb went off when I started to read about "toxic men," and all of a sudden as I was reading an article I realized... "holy shit. He's a textbook example of a covert narc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've never met one of those before! (That I know of.) Then.... the list just flowed out of me ... a dam broke and my computer keyboard almost caught fire as fast as I was typing.. smoke was coming out of it.. and out of my ears.

I think my issue is that I've been out of the dating world for so long that I forgot there were toxic people in it! I was conned by and charm...even with all of the many red flags, little girl in me just wanted her daddy and didn't care about the misogyny or anything else.

And, I will say that his Scottish accent was a HUGE turn on. We Americans fall for that shit - hook, line and sinker. LO uses his accent to lure women and it obviously works..and he knows it.

God I hate him.
Cookie wrote:
Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:26 pm
Reeled, we seem to be peas in a pod in the ol' limerence world. Your post reminded me of something the LO said when he had "gone silent" for a week. I had poured my heart out to him about a family illness and the stress it was causing, and I was getting frustrated at his lack of response. So he said, "Hey, I don't always know what to say, but I am always listening." Umm....my cat and dog are more conversational than that. At least they meow and bark in response.
Ha... same with my LO. He would drone ON and ON and ON about his childhood or life back home in "EdinBRAH," but when it came to me expressing my emotions and being upset with how things were going, he would say, "I'm sorry. I don't have any answers." ... and I wanted to SCREAM. :((
Last edited by ReeledIn on Wed Nov 01, 2017 5:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

ReeledIn
Posts: 592
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 5:39 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by ReeledIn » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:13 am

L-F wrote:
Tue Oct 31, 2017 8:51 pm
I get the 'want to be friends part'. Wish I could be with LO too. Simply because she's intelligent and interesting.

The question is, would or could you trust yourself? And why put yourself in that position?

I don't believe for a second that someone who is controlling and power hungry can be like that if they don't have someone who is eager to please (want to play the 'come rescue me' game).

What is the benefit of being friends or is it the possibility of FWB that is the drawcard?
Ditto on the intelligent and interesting... LO is more intelligent and worldly than my SO (sad to say) and I do find him interesting, as much as I hate to admit it.

And I don't know... why put myself there?... I just don't know. I think I am just tired of the tension in the office. It takes a lot of work to ignore someone all day long - someone I used to talk to every day, every hour. I'd like to at least have some semblance of a work relationship.. which I realize can be a slippery slope.

And yep.. I am a people pleaser who likes to rescue. I rescued him when he was in a deep hole after losing his exGF (the one woman in his entire life he called "soulmate" and supposedly wanted to marry... and guess what?? He says she was a narcissist! We even joked about him going to a narcissistic abuse therapy group, but they only allowed women. =)) ) He called me his "guardian angel." O:-) (Gag me.) One time on instant messaging I wrote, "I'm such a people pleaser, " and he wrote back, "You are??? :D " You can read into that what you'd like (it was sexual innuendo given that we were physical at that point). Now that I look back on it - well - it just reinforces everything for me.. his true self - he likes people pleasers because he can have his way with them. This also explains why he gets "easily bored" with women.. he probably only dates people pleasers.. which can be boring after a while - and it's why he liked the fellow-narc. She kept him guessing, I suppose.

What's the benefit?..Hmmmm.. just less tension in the office. If I do talk to him I plan to tell him that there will be no discussion of personal stuff. I don't want to hear about his personal life and I won't share mine. He'll agree to that.

FWB is just gross to me... and I can't go back to him again without really, really hurting SO... so it' ain't going to happen.

Here's the thing... I feel like i just need to KNOW the door is closed so I can move on.. he had told me when we broke it off that maybe we could date in 6 months when things cooled off. I know this is bullshit (my brain knows it), but the little limerent girl inside me says, "I need to know! I need to know for sure!! Maybe there's still a chance? Please let their be a chance! He's so wonderful and I want a daddy." :-ss

I almost feel as though a conversation... about work and mundane stuff... might give me some indication of a closed door. But I can already hear you all saying, "He's a narc. He'll never close the door. ReeledIN, YOU - and only you - can truly close it."

But if I close it... that door will be unlocked, my friends - or propped open with a shoe. x_x
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
LE started June 2016, PA started Dec 2016
LC began June 2017
Now reconciled with wonderful SO


For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

L-F
Posts: 1924
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: The urge to "check in"...

Post by L-F » Wed Nov 01, 2017 6:21 am

ReeledIn I get it. I truly do.

Question... would you call yourself a masochist? Someone determined to throw themselves into the fire? And you KNOW you'll get burned.

I know I am when it comes to those self-defeating thoughts where I beat myself up over, well, just about anything. These constant obsessive thoughts are much the same... will he, won't he, do we, don't we... when the answer is going to hurt no matter what. I learnt to let go. Hurt less than beating myself up over it.
Have conquered limerence.
I'm no expert, but have learnt enough to know where to look for answers.

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