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Serial limerence.WTF?

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NVTS
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Re: Serial limerence.WTF?

Post by NVTS » Mon Dec 25, 2017 5:30 am

I am looking back at this thing called limerence and one of the more important things I have learned is that I am a serial limerent. Since I didn't post a proper introduction(sorry Anon for bursting your introductory thread), I will try here by couching it in my life of serial limerence.

The first true episode was for EH, cute and very smart in 4th grade. My mother found my "love notes" to her and instead of thinking it was cute she scolded me for liking a girl of a different ethnicity,this episode lasted until she went to private school sometime in 5th grade.

Then came KCR, I had known her from about 3rd grade but she lived in a different part of the city very far away. She is of a similar cultural background and is very intelligent. I moved around a lot in the same city and was always very far from her. This lasted until about 9th or 10th grade.She never liked me nearly as much as I liked her, as a matter of fact I came to learn that she detested me.

I kept moving and there were a few LE'S in between very short but very intense.

I have mentioned the LE for LS from Holland in another thread, this was 12th grade.No reciprocity there either.

I was limerent for her until I met SM in India. SM moved back to her home town within a year and I never heard from her again, it turns out she is a fairly famous TV actress in India. I remember her being very bubbly and intelligent.Again no reciprocity.

Then a coulpe of years later there was SD, I actually asked her out on a date and asked her to be involved with me in a more meaningful way and she outright rejected me! I felt like was stabbed in the heart. I went into a DEEP depression until I met SG( the 20+ year LE). The moment that I felt ANY perceived reciprocity from SG all thoughts of SD went by the wayside.

SG lasted for about 2 years until I left India, but thoughts of her persist to this day. NC was a blessing even though I didn't know that it was a "thing".

There was a brief LE for KG in my early years of marriage when DW was pregnant with our first.

Then after a long dormancy CE shows up in my life this year. Totally not wanting or expecting it, but there it is!

The above trail of LE's is littered with depression,low self esteem, feeling like an outsider, substance abuse, thoughts of suicide,etc,etc.

I was lucky to have married a smart and beautiful woman but she has issues of her own, somehow we made it 20 years together.

The one good thing about "limerence" is that I have the ability to look back and see the pattern and also work on my issues. I can only hope that it doesn't happen again.
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

NVTS
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Re: Serial limerence.WTF?

Post by NVTS » Sat Jul 28, 2018 3:37 pm

I mentioned in recent post that I thought that I will never "get over" limerence. I say that due to the serial nature of my problem. If you read my post from December on this thread you will see that this has been with me my whole life! I can say that this latest LE has been a serious eye opener as it lead me here. The examination of my deep emotional wounds and severe low self esteem has been very important to my overall improvement. However I can never forget ANY of my past LO's and the craziness and pain associated each of them. I can say that I'm happy that the latest LE occurred. As painful as it's been , I am now aware of many more things. I have no ill will towards LO although she may be a bit of a narc, she never did anything to hurt me. I only send her good vibes and hope she flourishes in her life and work.

As for my LTR, it is in a better place. We spend a lot more QT together and with our daughters. In 2 years our older one will be off to college and 2 years later our little one as well. DW and I have discussed ad infinitum about how we will spend our years as "empty nesters". She still has a lot of her own shit she has to unpack, and my inner work will never be completed,but for the first time in a year or so I am hopeful for the future! I really wish that disclosing to DW about this whole thing is practical, but I am certain of the bad consequences. This is my greatest regret as it pertains to the latest LE. hopefully no more LE's for me!! :ympray:
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

NVTS
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Re: Serial limerence.WTF?

Post by NVTS » Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:56 pm

I mentioned in my December post about several of my LE’s over the years. About a month ago I went to visit my brother and his family in another state. He lives in a part of the city where one of my childhood LE’s still lives. I used to remember as a kid that ANY mention or reference to that part of town sent me into fantasies about being with KCR. As we drove around town and goofed off, I would think about how everything still reminded of her. I am no longer limerent for her in any way, but I would like to rub in her face what she could have had. Not very mature on my part.... but... I have done this sort of thing with each and every LO. Either the city they’re from or certain people we knew in common or a song, etc.
At least I am able to connect the dots now. If it weren’t for Tennov(MSRIP)I don’t know where I’d be as a result.
M-47-married
LO- married 48,work colleagues

NVTS
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Re: Serial limerence.WTF?

Post by NVTS » Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:45 pm

So I repeated an exercise that my T asked me to do a while back by listing out the LE's over the course of my life and the feelings and events surrounding them.

From 3rd grade until the latest one there were 12 LE's of varying degrees and intensity, with the latest one being the eye opener and hopefully the last.

There is a sentence in the Wikipedia page on Limerence that says people who have experienced this condition from adolescence have a tendency to be underachievers in life in general. I have experienced this since CHILDHOOD. I don't remember having sexual feelings as a child with the early LO's only an overwhelming need for reciprocation of my feeling the need to be loved. Only one of those LE's(after puberty) was predominantly sexual.

The loneliness I felt from a very young age I believe was the substrate for all of them. When I would finally realize that relationship couldn't or wouldn't be consummated I would transfer to the next LO and start the roller coaster on a new track.

If only someone recognized this earlier in my life would it have turned out any differently? Better late than never I guess :-??
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daydreamer
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Re: Serial limerence.WTF?

Post by daydreamer » Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:55 pm

NVTS wrote:
Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:45 pm
There is a sentence in the Wikipedia page on Limerence that says people who have experienced this condition from adolescence have a tendency to be underachievers in life in general.
interesting find. i missed that part. yeah, i had crushes in school like everyone else, i did feel lonely like most teenagers, and i do function below my abilities. is there a connection here?

i actually think there is. i think the link is neuroticism. there is a paper on connection between limerence, perfectionism and neuroticism here: https://scholars.unh.edu/cgi/viewconten ... ext=thesis

i posted about that paper several month back, when i was musing on links between limerence and perfectionism.

now, neuroticism has been linked to a lesser success in life by many studies and that's a common knowledge. this is actually how Horney defined neuroticism many decades ago.
I'm limerence free and I'm not afraid of it anymore. I learn something new about myself and life everyday. There is hope and so much more. NC works. Be free, be happy! In retrospect, the LE was about the best thing that happened in my life.

Bridget
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Re: Serial limerence.WTF?

Post by Bridget » Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:32 am

daydreamer wrote:
Tue Oct 08, 2019 5:55 pm

now, neuroticism has been linked to a lesser success in life by many studies and that's a common knowledge. this is actually how Horney defined neuroticism many decades ago.
Hah! Of course those of us with "neuroticism" or more reactive nervous systems are less successful. It takes a lot of energy to maintain emotional balance or address the problems that come with a lack of balance when your amygdala trips easily. :-w

signed: An undercover perfectionist, limer-brain, recovering daydreamer, and semi-neurotic under-achiever.

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