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Me married 71; She attached 35

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Rocinante
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Re: Me married 71; She attached 35

Post by Rocinante » Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:24 pm

songofhiawatha wrote:
Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:51 pm
Again thanks. You are nearer to persuading me not to go. I did disclose clearly a few years ago. So why do I still feel the way I do? Please just push me over the line to stay away and not prolong my agony. So sorry to bother you like this
SoH - my best guess is that something in you won't let go of it. You still describe yourself as conventional in contrast to her colourfulness. Mentally and emotionally, I would guess that you see her as the ticket to a more colourful life. But this is an illusion. You like the rest of us need to dig deep in ourselves to get what we lack. Become your own ticket. Let her go and post about / examine your life here instead of the minutae of the LOs doings.

Here's my last chance to convince you: if you've already disclosed, the second time you do it it gets really worrisome / annoying / burdensome for the LO. It's almost never well-received. I've been on the other end of it and it doesn't feel fun — I sort of want to run away from the friend doing this. I don't thikn we should ultimately care what "our" LOs think of us, but I think you don't want this possible regret. I would choose the path of honouring what was genuine in your friendship and at all costs, don't allow the possibility of a negative experience be her last memory of you.

If anything I'd send her a postcard a couple of months from now that reframes your relationship as friendship, even if it's not totally true. I'd write something along the lines of "Sorry for not seeing you off. I appreciated the time you were here so much, you were a good and special friend who showed me a lot. Thanks for all the great conversations and laughs. I will never forget you and will miss you greatly, friend. Take care of yourself and may the wind be at your back, ____!" Or something like that.

Yeah, so I'd say don't risk the possibility you might 'act out' in their height of limerence! You've got an ego to protect too. (BTW: I've done this before with a different person. I thought I was going to be so cool and then bllAAAARRRRGHHH! Out came this incoherent confession as soon as I had 5 minutes alone with the person, so strong it felt involuntary. It felt like emotionally barfing on someone. Not cool!)
Last edited by Rocinante on Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Rocinante • https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocinante_(disambiguation)
RECLUDET PRATERITIS! <-- Current mantra / magic spell ("Quarantine the past!")

L-F
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United States of America

Re: Me married 71; She attached 35

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:45 pm

Ivanhoe wrote:
Tue Jul 03, 2018 10:17 pm
I’m close to your age Song. I wouldn’t go. You’ve made a lot of progress and by going you will only debase yourself, set yourself back for some time. You know this is ALL inside you, right?
Good question.

You asked for LE to end, so focus on yourself... because it never really was about LO.

Unless you want to go to your grave making it about LO. Which some people do, and its entirely up to the individual if they want to prolong the pain (some people get off on the pain because its comfortable). Its not a path for me.

But... I'm sure you know all this. So... all I can do is wish you well with whatever decision you make.
When you are external facing,
how do you expect to do the inner work? :-??

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Spinnaker
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Re: Me married 71; She attached 35

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Jul 04, 2018 12:57 am

Hello SOH I am sorry you are going through such turmoil with this decision.

my $.02~

If I were in your shoes, ONLY if she were moving away to another city far away, would I attend the function. I would carefully plan the conversation and basically have a "friendly only script". Then, I would get my hug and not make it a creepy hug. Just a short hug and go to my car and cry! =)) That is how I would approach the situation because I need closure and closure is important to me.

But even being so silly to need closure like I describe, I wouldn't feel like it's necessary in your instance because you could reach out to her if you absolutely needed to.

I have read your entire story (which reads like a BBC series I would totally watch :x ) and it sounded like she impacted your life in such a way that you will always consider her presence during that period of your life eternally special. I know how that feels. She will remember you too, just without the level of depth you experienced. Many here (myself included) understand that too.

Going to the event will likely bring a wave of feelings and possible relapse of your limerence. IMO Not worth the risk. If you choose to go, I think the lighthearted script and short hug would help you not say anything you will regret later and not make her uncomfortable.

Hope you find peace with your decision.
"We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality."
Iris Murdoch

JohnDeux
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Re: Me married 71; She attached 35

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Jul 04, 2018 2:27 am

Just my thoughts, SoH. First, the after-shock. Just remember her fondly if you never see her again. For myself, I no longer harbor "if only...." feelings towards my two past LOs. What time and some self-work has done is make me realize I would have brought profound baggage into a relationship with someone else. The 20-20 hindsight is being glad that I didn't. But I can remember both LOs fondly all the same without them hijacking either my night or day.....with the exception of a rare dream about once a year with diminishing frequency (and with the dreams pointing more to my growth than a missed opportunity). Second, perhaps a diversion for the day: Make plans now to be with other friends at the time that you were planning to visit LO. If these are old friends, their presence will be a distraction by default.....they don't have to know the ground-level reason why you decided to make plans with them, but find some reason to get together with them during that time. The occasion for meeting with LO will pass while you are engaged with friends. I know I would probably cry buckets on the way home from such a day or evening....so be it. Like soooooo many loves and romances before it, it will have existed in its own time and space....and you can begin to move on. Strength and support to you,---it's been a hard road and I hope you soon find some peace from it.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

songofhiawatha
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Re: Me married 71; She attached 35

Post by songofhiawatha » Thu Jul 05, 2018 9:25 pm

First I should say that, in the end, I fairly easily, decided not to go and see LO today.
I sincerely thank those of you who took really great care, and a lot of time, to explain the downsides of seeing her again. It appears easy to set out the obvious for the benefit of another but it is extremely difficult to apply it to one's own situation and many of you, I know, carry the same sort of burden - or you wouldn't be here on this Forum as regularly as I know you are.
Probably, as several critical times before in my limerence, JD got to the core of it as far as my LE relationship is concerned, namely that perhaps I am at the stage that, although she does not really show it outwardly, LO has a great fondness for me and I would like her to carry this forward, even after I am no more, and I would not like to sully this by pressing any further. I have likely 'bewildered' or even worried her in the past.
We never know what the future holds and some sort of 'normal' friendship with LOmay one day evolve, though I do not hold high expectations of this.
I only have a toehold in the modern era of electronic communication but I can very truly say that, without this Forum, I would not be in a good place as regards my LE and would probably have caused LO, my wife, possibly others in my immediate family and myself much unhappiness. It has fortunately been confined to me and even this has been tempered by moments of great joy to have had the privilege of, for a couple of years,being close and relating to this wonderful person. Lovely memories will remain with me for ever.
Thanks again to those who have helped.
SoH

JupiterTaco
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Re: Me married 71; She attached 35

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:01 am

I'm so glad you didn't go! In my later days after limerence, when I broke NC with my LO, it was to really look at him objectively, which I did and which helped me I think, but it took a long time to get to that place.
"God grant me the serenity, to just remember who I am"-Games People Play by Joe South

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