Limerence help !

[ferrisb244]

My loving husband of 20 years has declared he bumped into someone in June 2023 and loves her it’s true love , he has to follow his heart and it’s with her

He has always been loyal trust worthy and his personality has changed overnight

Our daughter is ill in hospital and has been for 3 years. So he couldn’t deal with it and said he needs happiness and has just gone

Leaving me in shock his 2 daughters broken and none of his friends or family recognise him anymore

He making life changing decisions after
Knowing her for 3
Months

He not seen his daughters since and they wont talk to him

He said he loves us all and it’s killing
Jim doing what’s he’s doing but can’t stop his feelings and if he could turn them off with a switch he would.

So now I’m left to pick the pieces up. I still love him as think he not thinking rationally. I heard about limerence and think this is what he has

I have remained calm strong not begged him or mentioned
Anything about the LO. Who is going through a divorce and has now been swept off her feet and loving all this attention and affection.

What do I do as I believe if his mind went back to normal he’d come
Back as we had an amazing life

Help

[L-F]

Sending best wishes your way for the difficult journey ahead. If I were in your shoes, I would focus on my daughter's well-being and let my husband work through his issues while I worked through mine in terms of making me more resilient and emotionally and financially independent. In other words, I would work on making myself the best version of myself for myself and no one else. I would like to think I could shut the noise of their relationship out to refocus and priorities my own health and wellbeing.

Whatever you do, many warm wishes to you.

[JupiterTaco]

I'm so sorry to hear about your issues and I'm glad you found this forum. There's a lot of information out there about this disorder but one of the things that I agree with is that your partner has to do the heavy lifting himself I do agree with focusing on your own healing and that of your children. Everybody eventually finds out that limerence is a lie I don't care who they are.

[L-F]

Everybody eventually finds out that limerence is a lie I don't care who they are.

100%

What I'd like to see are all the limerent married heterosexual men responding, because most if not all wish they could do what your husband has done and yet they haven't or won't. It might help give you some perspective on moral obligations.

[JupiterTaco]

Everybody eventually finds out that limerence is a lie I don't care who they are.

100%

What I'd like to see are all the limerent married heterosexual men responding, because most if not all wish they could do what your husband has done and yet they haven't or won't. It might help give you some perspective on moral obligations.

I'm sure some of them are off doing the hard work L-F, lots have been through here. Nobody ever stays anymore though. There's so much to learn it sounds like with the Mankind Project and all. They could probably find support here if they all stayed or whatever.

[HelpWithGOLO]

L-F, I don't have the time tonight to write much but I just wanted to clarify what sort of response you were looking for from a limerent married heterosexual man. Are you asking for my point of view, my personal experience, my feelings, etc.? I'll be happy to respond with whatever might be helpful to the topic. I've been meaning to come back on here to post an update on my situation anyway. Just been really busy with life lately.

[Significant other]

I'm so sorry ferrisb244.
I recommend you visit this website; surviving infidelity.com, especially in this section:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/for ... found-out/
There you find good advice and support.

[L-F]

I'd love to hear your update HelpwithGOLO! I'm not sure what I'm asking for, perhaps your perspective & experience shared so that ferrisb244 has a male's POV. You know, from someone who has been tempted but didn't do anything.

Here's a question that might be a good conversation starter... "what makes a limerent man act on his feelings, or not?"
The strength of his moral obligations. Is that even a thing? Fear? [of looking bad in others' eyes so they choose to avoid acting out].
What stops a man from chasing an LO if the LO is willing to accept their affection?

I'm hoping David will see this... "is it even possible for a man to not have an affair when presented with the opportunity?"... And does limerence make any difference?

I do know limerence should not be used as an excuse for having an affair. It's not like limerence is a disease that completely rules the brain. How do I know this? Almost every limerent on here has confessed they know limerence is madness and want it to stop. Limerence brings mental stress, it is not an excuse to do whatever one wants to do.

Perhaps I answered everything? Idk. More keen to have a male's POV.

[HelpWithGOLO]

I have some thoughts on the matter and will also be happy to share my perspective and experience so far. I'm having a busy week but I'll try to share in the next day or two. In the meantime I'll think about your questions and see what answers I may have.

[HelpWithGOLO]

ferrisb244,
I just read your story and I want to tell you I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I started crying reading it for several reasons. First, just hearing about the damage being done to you and everyone around you is heartbreaking. My uncle did the exact same thing to my aunt after about 20 years or so of marriage. I saw what it did to his wife and my cousins. It's been years and they're still recovering, trying to carry on with their lives. His reasoning sounded very similar to that of your husband. His personality changed, too and he all but abandoned his family. I believe he was not thinking rationally either. I can't speak for him as to exactly what his thinking was but I believe "bored with his marriage" was one of the excuses. Unfortunately, my final and biggest reason for being moved to tears is because your account reminded me so much of ME. The parallels are so disturbing. All I could think was "OMG. That could've been me." I too have been married to my wife for 20 years when I met my LO. I met this woman at a seasonal job late last year. My descent into madness took a while to start but once it did it went downhill fast. I only knew her for 3 months, too. I won't take time to tell my full story as I did so already on another thread but I too reached the point where I convinced myself I was truly in love. I was still saying it when I first got on here. I never said the words to her but I thought it in my head so many times. I remember saying it out loud to myself. I remember fantasizing about running away with her. I had lots of fantasies that I never ever should have entertained. There were times I felt like she was flirting with me. I know I subtly flirted with her. I feel terrible looking back on it. She never expressed interest out loud but at times I swear there were hints. I want to say that had she actually hit on me I would've resisted. At first I definitely would have. I can't say for sure toward the end. And I'm ashamed of that.
I can't speak for the mindset of any other guys but let me take a moment to share where I'M coming from real quick.
Earlier in my marriage, I would've said that I was going to be a faithful husband to the end, without question and no problem. She is my one and only and I have no desire to be with anyone else ever. In my opinion now, everyone is CAPABLE of cheating, no matter who they are or how long they've been together. Not saying they WOULD, but that they COULD. I believe under the exact right circumstances and with the exact right person, everyone could. Kind of like how everyone would say they'd never steal but under the right circumstances (say, extreme desperation and hunger, for example) they would. My LE has taught me that everyone is susceptible to temptation. I believed I wasn't for 20 years. It scares me to think how close I came. In my case, I was extremely vulnerable emotionally at the time, feeling severely depressed and alone. I was in a very dark place emotionally and mentally. Cue a very attractive coworker who's extremely warm and kind, pays me the attention I desperately need, makes me feel special, gives me "butterflies", we were often alone together...bam. Potential for disaster. The dopamine high I got from her being around was just...wow. Even months after no contact with her I still feel it at times just thinking about her. She became a potential escape from my reality. I could have easily, easily given in had there been an opportunity. Thank God she was engaged and didn't flat-out hit on me. I'm much weaker against temptation than I thought I was. Looking back now I see how irrational I had become. I only saw what I wanted to see. I tried to see her flaws and the reasons why we couldn't be together. I spent hours arguing with myself in my head. I too had the mindset of "But I have to act on this, I can't turn this off." I was so convinced that there was something going on between us and we needed to be together. I mentioned this in my other post but she didn't say goodbye to me on my last day there. She wasn't even there when I got there. I feel betrayed and heartbroken. I ended up hiding and having a breakdown right there in the backroom. I cried for the rest of my shift and went home without saying goodbye to anyone. I was so broken up I even cried in front of my wife and told her the reason why. All she did was hold me and never said a word. She's never brought it up again and I try so hard never to mention my LO's name or anything about her. I'm sure it really hurt to see me so emotional over someone else. I hate thinking about how she must have felt. I know it would've torn me up inside. She knew about the crush (I had felt so guilty that I ended up telling her weeks earlier) but I've never had the guts to tell her that I was and still am limerent. I've struggled with how to say anything and if I even should. In the meantime I've been working on myself and I'll share about that in my next post. I'm sorry for this wall of text but I just wanted to give you an idea of where my mindset is and that I can relate to how your husband may be feeling. I agree that limerence is NOT an excuse to leave your spouse and family. It truly is a lie. It made me believe things that just were not true and I came close to destroying my life over it. It took me a long time to realize that I was letting feelings and irrational thoughts cloud my judgement. A year ago I would never have imagined that I'd be where I am now. Unfortunately I believe only the limerent can get themselves out of this fog. It's like any addiction. Others can tell you you're wrong, they can show you where you're going astray but until you see it yourself you won't try to change. I will have more to say soon but I wanted to start getting my thoughts out there. I truly, truly hope the best for you. I agree that you should try to be the best version of yourself that you can be. Coming here is one of the best things I ever did and I'm sure it will help you, too. There are so many people on here who can help and will gladly listen. I truly hope he gets back into his rational mind before it's too late. Please don't hesitate to reach out. We're here for you.