im hurt and i just want to understand

[kc94fl]

My partner and I met in high school when we were 16 and 17. We dated for a few years and then broke up for a while until reconnecting and have been together ever since. We didn’t know about his autism until the beginning of this year. Our relationship has had lots of ups and downs, and looking back I can see it was because of his undiagnosed autism and related issues and my own depression and anxiety. We both have unresolved trauma from our childhood that we need to heal. He has also hurt me before in the past. He has struggled with a pornography addiction, struggled with needing affection from other women by talking to them through dating apps or Snapchat, and he had a one night stand when we were long distance. I forgave him every time and we put it behind us and moved forward but I can see now that because I never got counseling and neither did he, that our problems just expounded until last November.

We were on a cruise. We got the drink package and he was drinking a lot. All day every day. As soon as he finished one drink, another was put in front of him. He's never drank that much in his entire life. And then he met a woman at the bar. I believe they fell into mutual limerence immediately. (From the messages I read, they looked into each other's eyes and just "knew"...) She was in an unhappy relationship and obviously he and I have had our issues throughout ours. He told me on the cruise that he wanted space. I was distraught but told him okay and respected what he asked. Unbeknownst to me, he had already talked with her the day they met about how unhappy he had been with me and she told him that she felt the same about her own relationship. Within three weeks of them meeting on the cruise (the cruise ended on Dec 2nd 2022) they were saying they were in love with each other and were going to get married and he was going to move to Canada (where she lives). (This all came from a love letter I found he wrote before he went and visited her for New Years, again only 3 weeks after they at met did I find this letter). She’s younger than us, she’s 22 and we’re 28 & 29. Admittedly I read their text messages to each other and she was telling him that she can’t live without him. That she was depressed on the verge of suicidal and there would be no tomorrow without him. I’m sure it was everything my partner wanted to hear and more. He was telling her that he would drop everything in his life for her and move immediately to be with her and that he no longer wanted a relationship or a future with me.

Because of the trauma he caused me previously by being unfaithful, I couldn’t allow myself to think about him like the way the other woman did because I knew he wasn’t my “savior”. He was simply my best friend whom I'm in love with and we both have our own problems that were just never fixed. We have been best friends for 11 years and planned our lives together and our entire lives and families are intertwined and I don’t want to lose him. He tells me that he doesn’t understand how he can feel all these things for her if he’s not meant to be with her. That he can’t stop thinking about her. Even when he doesn’t want to think about her, he does.

He has cut off contact with her however I'm very aware of the constant back and forth in his brain of life with her versus life with me. This all started late last Nov and I think he finally cut off all contact with her one month ago. He and I talk as openly as we can about things and he's said that he doesn’t understand how he can want to be the best man for her (i.e. not cheat on her, be a spiritual leader for her (we’re Christians), do everything “right” for her that a man should do) when he said he’s never felt those things for me. He also said to me that even though we have sex he feels like its not enough and he needs more i.e. another woman there (personally I feel like this thought comes from his unrealistic view of sex from his lifelong porn addiction.) I’m so distraught and I’ve read as much as I can on limerence and I’ve sent him some stuff. He says he can kind of understand what I sent him but says “what if these feelings I have for her are real? What if I’m one of the people where this is true love?" He also said that he feels maybe he's stayed with me all these years because of guilt and a sense of commitment...And it’s heartbreaking to hear him say that. Another thing is that we are unmarried with no children. He proposed to me a few years ago but we were not in a good place and we decided that we would just get married when we were ready. As our families always say "it's not a matter of if, but when it happens". We have our entire lives planned out, where we are moving when we finish school, what the next 5 years, 10 years will look like etc. I am so incredibly sad that he thinks leaving me and our life together is a better idea than staying and working to heal and grow. He tells me he doesn't know what he wants and is confused but just can't stop thinking about her.

I have scheduled an appointment with Dr. David and Dr. Ruth for next week but I'm hoping someone will be able to at least let me know if they have gone through anything similar.

[L-F]

I'm sorry I haven't experienced this, but omg girl, just wanted to say you're in good hands with Ruth & David.
Welcome to the forum.

[L-F]

Hi Kc, I've had time to read and reread your post. Even though I haven't walked in your shoes for a moment, I'm going to jump to the other end of healing and assume David & Ruth will grow your sense of self-belief, self-esteem, and self-awareness to the point you won't want to stay with him. Not for any other reason than knowing [and most importantly, valuing] your worth. You do not deserve this kind of emotional abuse and torment in your relationships whether through blood ties or otherwise.

But, I am not David nor Ruth so cannot assume how things will go. Perhaps there is space to save your relationship? I don't know. All I know is that he will need to do half if not more, of the heavy lifting (since it's mostly his baggage).

Honestly, I would hold my head up and walk away because I know and have always known, that there are things I will and will not tolerate no matter how much I love someone. The rationale is that I can still love someone while not living with them. I'm not the needy kind. I'm actually quite selfish. My mental & emotional health must come first before I can be of support to anyone else.

I'm not even sure I'd recommend Affair Forums because I've heard they can be quite brutal there, and honestly I don't blame them given the pain they have suffered at the hands of their partners. You would get support but I question whether you'd get support for keeping your relationship together.

Again, I'm not you so I can't say whether to leave or stay, I just know that I wouldn't have stayed. When I met my husband 35 years ago I told him many things.
1. I wouldn't stay if he cheated.
2. Chores are to be 50/50 - including changing the nappies, cooking, washing, ironing, etc.
3. He could hit me, but once he did, I would not stay for hit number 2. One hit and he's out.
4. If he felt like cheating then we should discuss it first to provide us the opportunity to work on our relationship.
5. If he didn't like my rules he was free to move on at any point.

He never did and now I have to navigate living with an old man in a relationship that has endured many ups and downs such as limerence but never cheating. However, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm glad my father taught me my worth by demonstrating what a physically abusive partner looks like, along with someone who cheats. Since I was little I knew I didn't want someone like him.

Girl, you deserve a loving partner and I wish you all the best.

[JupiterTaco]

I just wanted to give you a welcome too too. Not me personally but my uncle and aunt were going to divorce years ago. They lasted much longer and then we're going to renew their vows before my aunt passed away. If there's hope for them there's hope for you guys. It just might require some inner work inner work.