The two faces of LE

[marko]

I'm in what I call the high/low swing of this right now. I remember in 2017 I was handed a bipolar diagnosis as I swung the extremes. Does everyone have these extremes? I know I cam in glowing and just thought it normal "she makes me feel wanted" and then it started the happy/sad rollercoaster. I didn't think it would go so low and usually post here when it swings low. I know the sad really kicks when you know you have to let go. I then begin to pretend it away with the scenarios that make it OK. You think you will find a way into their world that makes you good. My panic level sad is crushing, way out of proportion. The LE songs make sense in the sadness, almost like you like to manipulate it out of yourself. I'm struggling with NC as she will return in September and then you fight against "how will she see me now"? It's dumb as it doesn't matter, but it rips as you want the "friendly" back and terrified she will shun me--which is perfect. You think you can cry it out and as you do, you find yourself pretending them into some scenario where you are "friends" again. The positivity feels good. You almost feel normal now, but realize you've just painted another picture that has you in a nice conversation with the LO. I know I'll be in her life somehow. I'll be the hero when I find the right guy for her or some other stupid notion. You pile a few together and no longer feel limerent. The songs don't make sense to me when I beleive I'm fine. The voice says, then why you thinking about it and then you notice you actually created a "high". I can create a feel good with many things. I can feed off of anxiety and get pumped from just about any distraction and hobby. In an instant, the tears can flow when I catch it and remind myself of this. Then when betterish, I know the super shun is the only thing I need, but damn that's sad.

[L-F]

Hey Marko, LE sure is difficult terrain to navigate.
Have you given any thought to emotional boundaries and whether you get overly attached to certain people because those said boundaries need work? Something you are probably aware of.

Anyway, was thinking how scary it is that someone (anyone) should always have an answer for everything. Kind of reminds me of a pathological liar. The thought of anyone always having an answer makes them questionable in my view. Probably didn't articulate that very well. Just a thought I had.

So don't fret if you don't have all the answers. Perhaps this is you and that's okay?

[marko]

Perhaps the shame thing. Critical parents and of course my Narc buddy. You always needed a good reason for everything. Not having answers also opens that poor self image of not having your shit together I suppose. How about a pathological truth teller? I also think this over reasoning and complete answer is a distraction. Perhaps as I post here I feel the need to have it all answered. I see the connection as I had a liar friend and everything had to be a story--but was a lie. Possibly I go down the truth route as my only explanation is that I'm not a very good person, and the truth proves it. See I did it again, over analyze to the nth. Thanks for that as boundaries when I engage with someone will have to be forefront. I can do them until it comes to someone who seems into you. Still lots to think over.

A few minutes later and I'm like damn. There are many parts that are a lie. You become fake to your LO and your self. Sometimes when I caught myself changing clothes, hair, trying to become fitter etc, I'm thinking they liked you before you did all this, why can't you accept that. Why make it life and death and you have to have this so bad?

[L-F]

I also think this over reasoning and complete answer is a distraction.

I like that notion. Even though it may appear im harsh or blunt with you, I've always liked your reasoning. Always said with clarity. From what I know, you sound like a really cool dude. Someone worth chatting to, getting to know, bipolar disorder and all. Meh, bipolar people don't scare me. Heck, I've had years of practice with my mother. I just inwardly roll my eyes and pull up a cast iron shield, and have learnt to weather the storm.
Just like stormy seas, it's all part of life. There is no perfect mother. I'd rather make do with what I've got and enjoy the good times while shielding myself from the not so good times.
She's nuts!. Emotionally explosive! But even she has a conscience and wishes she didn't respond the way she does. She simply doesn't have (and I don't think she will ever develop) the coping skills.

[L-F]

But someones got to love them right? Pretty sure their behavior has something to do with their childhood trauma. Couldn't receive love the way a child should from their parents.
Perhaps the test is in learning to love their faults before we can begin to love our own?
Idk. Just some random thoughts.

[marko]

I also think this over reasoning and complete answer is a distraction.

I like that notion. Even though it may appear im harsh or blunt with you, I've always liked your reasoning. Always said with clarity. From what I know, you sound like a really cool dude. Someone worth chatting to, getting to know, bipolar disorder and all. Meh, bipolar people don't scare me. Heck, I've had years of practice with my mother. I just inwardly roll my eyes and pull up a cast iron shield, and have learnt to weather the storm.
Just like stormy seas, it's all part of life. There is no perfect mother. I'd rather make do with what I've got and enjoy the good times while shielding myself from the not so good times.
She's nuts!. Emotionally explosive! But even she has a conscience and wishes she didn't respond the way she does. She simply doesn't have (and I don't think she will ever develop) the coping skills.

I'm not bipolar. That psych jumped to that after describing what LE is like. There is still something out of whack and I wanted to have a tangible diagnosis for a while. This place is . I had doubted parental issues for a long time as I don't have such extremes to point to. The perfect storm that can pass right over one kid, but stuck to me. Or, this is the area we coped as others just have other issues.

You've been here for a long time. I know this was a pretty busy place back in 17 and many have come and gone. Do you still struggle at all with LE? I spend maybe 30 seconds a month on the old LO's. How two oldies came to live within a mile of me, and I ride bike with the husband of one makes them never disappear. That last one I should have married. We dated for 2 years in 1980, I became a super hero as I'm loved, so I must be all that. Went off to college and found out I was none of that. She still is so amazing. I did feel infererior as well. It didn't stop my wandering mind, but the husband and her as well as her parents showed up to my dad's funeral--after what 27 years. Very nice family. I run into them walking together and think, well lots of thoughts. Good for him, she got a good man.

[L-F]

I'm not bipolar. That psych jumped to that after describing what LE is like.

Ahhh sorry Marko, I thought you said you were diagnosed as Bipolar and put on meds but you choose not to continue them because they made you feel fuzzy, or something like that. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter because there's no shame in a diagnosis, well there shouldn't be. As hard as it is to remain friends with someone who is bipolar, from my experience, they are still human and that's what I see in them. No different to me or anyone else except their battles looks a bit different. I've got a friend who goes a bit wonky at times and I give them space, but I'm still available as a friend. I think we're all a little f'd up to be honest, or at least have times when we don't or can't think straight. You only have to look at how stress in managed by the individual, regardless of what they do or don't have.

Do I think of LO?. Nah not really and definitely not in a limerent way. I feel pretty neutral about my LE. It was what it was. But I can still identify with all the crazy thoughts that comes with LE.

[marko]

I did the diagnosis. It was a VA psych who I felt handed out pills and BP to everyone who came in the door. I obsess over this lady and feel great, I have guilt and can't stop I feel bad--OK, you swing high and low "You BP". I saw a room of drugged missing people and I kind of knew that it was semi self caused by LE. I wonder about the chemicals released. It's more like you feel a little off and then you run with the thoughts and cause your body to release depression or happy. I said that as well, she didn't care, heres your pills you will become numb to it--fuck that I want to live.

As I had the super down face this morning I really felt bad like when I went in for help. Preceeding that was some pretty tough love as I digest the "it's over part". It's passing, I suppose I pretended a few things to make it go. Like a pendulum, each side get's weaker.