Limerence or harassment?

[mbcp20]

I have a crush on my married coworker (let's call her X).

X cared for me a great deal in office when my marriage was falling apart. One day, I was surprised to realize that I have a serious crush on X.

Once I realized that, I tried to avoid her as much as possible at work.

As I increased my distance with X, she tried to reach out to me. Out of nowhere, she came to my office to talk. As she was talking, my feelings resurfaced and I tried to look away from her, but still she must have seen something in my eyes. And I couldn't stop thinking about that interaction.

After that day, something completely unexpected happened - we have been playing a game of hot and cold.

So, I am trying to understand this hot and cold behavior.

And what can I do?

[L-F]

Sorry to hear you are going through/went through a bad ending with your ex partner.

Limerence has us believing a kinds of things that may or may not be true. The hot/cold, push/pull dance is common yet doesn't mean X has narcissistic traits, or is even aware they are triggering you. Imo, being aware of your own behavior with this hot/cold dance and putting boundries in place so that you no are no longer a dance partner, is all you can do. The trick is to stay and to look at what’s theirs and what’s yours. Having that awareness and boundaries in place also takes you away from the drama.

Some LS have found journaling helpful. There is a 'members only' section where some have written about their experiences and/or things they wish could say to LO.

It can be all so confusing
And, it takes time unpacking what limerence is.

But... you're in the right place! Welcome!

[JupiterTaco]

It sounds possibly like you never grieved the end of your marriage, that possibly this is a distraction from that and/or an effort to recreate what you had in your old relationship?

[AMA210]

Welcome to the forum. As someone who recently came out of this showing interest, favoritism, eye contact, touching with a co worker (both of us single), it’s just not a good idea.

The other coworkers will notice this eventually and will create situations of gossip and rumors. If this gets back to HR, then someone will be in trouble and it’s just not worth it. Fortunately this didn’t happen with us, but it easily could have.

Not sure if you want to jeopardize the job in exchange for some attention and validation.

IMO, might be better to ignore her and focus on your work. If it continues to escalate, it will become increasingly more difficult to end it later.

[ridiculous]

If she continues to initiate conversation with you then it sounds like she’s at least ok with you. My guess is she has some kind of crush on you too and gets scared where it might go next so backs away. After a while, her desire to interact with you outweighs the fear and the cycle repeats itself. And she may also wonder if she’s bothering you (even if you are friendly when she initiates) if you never initiate yourself. But that’s just based on my own experience. I could be completely off base. I understand wanting desperately to know the motivation behind this hot/cold behavior since I have the same tormenting struggle with my LO. But at least on a rational level know it doesn’t really matter if you want to move through your limerence. Easier said than done.

[mbcp20]

I wanted to share an update.

I've been trying to avoid her for some time and I have been keeping our interactions strictly professional. Recently, she invited me for dinner at her house with her husband and her children.

After I accepted the invitation for dinner, I saw her at work, but she seemed very uncomfortable and cold around me.

I'm very confused by this whole situation. Why is she doing this? What can I do to remove the awkwardness? I don't want to bother her; frankly, if she told me directly that I'm bothering her or that I should stop talking to her, I'd do it gladly. But every time I get the impression from her that I'm bothering her, I try to give her space but she then tries to increase communication with me. Then if I am nice to her the next time I see her (i.e. just asking her how she's doing), she becomes distant and awkward and I feel like I'm bothering her again.

[Katman98]

I have a feeling that at least in my case limerance makes me hyperaware of signals my L.O. may or may not be giving off. This hyperawareness can fool us at times. Even experts at body language and such things get it wrong at times. As a layperson under the stress of a fluttering ❤ I certainly couldn't read a person's intentions very well.
Don't dip your pen in the company ink! It sounds like you won't and that is a good idea. I would be friendly, professional and practice avoidance. One thing that has me conflicted is her inviting you to her home. I am not certain many woman who had a crush upon a co-worker would feel comfortable with that. Others may feel differently.

[mbcp20]

Thanks Katman98. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I feel the same way too.

Why would she invite me over if she had a crush on me? That's why I concluded that maybe she was trying to build rapport with me since I'm her new manager and I've recently minimized our interactions and kept them strictly professional. Despite the invitation, she seemed so uncomfortable talking to me in person, I felt like she really didn't want to invite me.

I could be wrong, that's why I'm seeking advice.

[Katman98]

Some but certainly not all woman can be manipulative if it can help them. Pretty woman often learn early that they have a certain amount of power and influence over men. I am in no way saying this is happening just something to be aware of, especially if you are in management.
I was at my local auto parts store that doesn't do service about 20 or so years ago. An attractive 20 something woman was buying wiper blades for a car. She asked if someone could "help her". Guy employees were practically tripping each other to help her. As I left the store I saw the employee helping her by installing the wipers. It was a newer Lincoln Town car obviously her parents car. Mommy or Daddy put her up to it most likely. The other thing is I have noticed that woman tend to have almost a sixth sense about the emotional state of others. They often can perceive things about others that we men can't. They know when others are sad, angry, anxious and yes have a crush on them.

[John]

Your LO's hot and cold behavior is sure to be feeding into your limerence. It is possible that she enjoys your attention and kindness toward her but doesn't want an actual relationship so she is pulling away at times. I also have a question; is the other person she invited to dinner male or female and are they a friend of her's or of your's?