Why do you like your LO?

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mamasita
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by mamasita »

WishMagick wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 8:59 pm
MrSpock wrote:
Tue Mar 10, 2020 8:49 pm
I can only assume it has to do with the fact that she's 23 (and single) and I'm 49 (and married).
A "normal" person wouldn't be angry at that. Or even angry if it were a boss / employee situation. Being angry or feeling actual hatred for someone who confessed loving-type feelings for you is NOT a normal reaction. People who react this way have loads and loads of issues.

It's a good thing these people don't reciprocate! You'd want to stay miles away from someone who takes a tender confession from someone in this way.
I don't know. I'm a very compassionate person BUT there have been a few times when a man has confessed feelings for me and I was upset about it. Not mad...more like, I thought we were friends like **this** and now that I know you like me in a romantic way, :-t I cannot see you like a friend any more. I now have to be careful how I act, what I wear, what I say. Did I give the wrong impression? How long has he been gazing and/or fantasizing?? about me? It can all be very uncomfortable. So I haven't been mean to a person like this, but I have been blindsided and upset that a few men couldn't get ahold of themselves and just act normal. :)) Which I realize all of this sounds silly coming from me, a person who came to a limerence message board because I had no idea how to get ahold of myself!!

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WishMagick
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by WishMagick »

mamasita wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 6:41 pm
I have been blindsided and upset that a few men couldn't get ahold of themselves and just act normal. :)) Which I realize all of this sounds silly coming from me, a person who came to a limerence message board because I had no idea how to get ahold of myself!!
That's exactly what I'm saying. If you've been on the other side, it's easy to see how someone could feel like that!
I am honestly not surprised when I find out a guy friend likes me that way. That may sound narcissistic, but it's more like....we're human. It happens. It happens to me a LOT. So, it's normal in my eyes.

I wouldn't change the way I behave if a guy friend thought I was giving him signals. If he wanted to sit down with me and tell me everything I did to make him think those things, I'd go through each thing with him and explain what was really "behind" it. I would try to help him. I wished so many times that someone who I was crushing on would do that for me. They don't have to, of course! But, I always wished they would.

Empathy is everything.

It's hard for me to empathize with someone who is not empathizing. MrSpock's LO is not very empathetic, so I have a hard time seeing things from her perspective. I wonder how she got the creeps from someone who stared at her - even though she STARED back! And even gave him friendly kisses. It seems that she had a liking for him - but then gets upset when she finds out he likes her too!!! Haahaha! There's a huge disconnect there!

I could see being uncomfortable with the romantic aspect - but he's been super respectful. Consistently.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed. Living la Vida (super) LC.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

L-F
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by L-F »

It's not that I cant empathize with you MrSpock. You are an intelligent man and aware enough to know limerence isn't about LO. Yes you've hurt her in the past by disclosing (your words).
It's time to move on from her reactions and pay no attention to them. Maybe take up David's offer all those months ago, which he made before you disclosed, of finding another class? He told you that because he knew limerence wasn't about her, and to stop potential harm being done to you, her and your family.

The thing is Mr Spock, you have no idea whether she has been physically raped by an uncle, father or priest. None. If she had been, then telling her of your feelings could trigger a myriad of responses.

The point is, let her live her life. She is entitled to her feelings.

You are entitled to yours. Just dont get confused about the projection thing.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

MrSpock
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by MrSpock »

mamasita wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 6:41 pm
I don't know. I'm a very compassionate person BUT there have been a few times when a man has confessed feelings for me and I was upset about it. Not mad...more like, I thought we were friends like **this** and now that I know you like me in a romantic way, :-t I cannot see you like a friend any more. I now have to be careful how I act, what I wear, what I say. Did I give the wrong impression? How long has he been gazing and/or fantasizing?? about me? It can all be very uncomfortable. So I haven't been mean to a person like this, but I have been blindsided and upset that a few men couldn't get ahold of themselves and just act normal. :)) Which I realize all of this sounds silly coming from me, a person who came to a limerence message board because I had no idea how to get ahold of myself!!
Yes, indeed. Even though I'm nothing like this, I pretty much imagined that this is her case too.. "I now have to be careful how I act, what I wear, what I say. Did I give the wrong impression? How long has he been gazing and/or fantasizing?? about me?"

But, even considering all of that, what I don't quite get is the way she is treating me, specially a year later. Is one thing to be "uncomfortable" in a situation, something else is to be mean.

Now... to be fair, having just written that, she might not realize at all that she's is "treating me" this way, or any way for that matter. For instance, maybe in her mind, kissing "hi" everyone but me even if I'm right there just isn't rude. Maybe she just doesn't want to interact with me, because she would feel awkward, and in her mind that's all she's doing. Maybe she just thinks she is being "indifferent" (which would be OK), as if we didn't know each other, and as if she never ever talked to me or did any of the things she used to.

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WishMagick
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by WishMagick »

L-F wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 6:55 pm


The thing is Mr Spock, you have no idea whether she has been physically raped by an uncle, father or priest. None. If she had been, then telling her of your feelings could trigger a myriad of responses.
This is a good point. He obviously triggers something in her for her to react this way. And that was my point. And all I was saying is she has very different issues to mine, so it's hard for me to understand why she is reacting this way.

I've been sexually harassed (and almost raped, by a younger guy, actually) before and my responses to these situations are just so different. We are all different. I don't know his LO's story, but, I feel for him because I am just as confused as he is! This would keep me up at night if my LO reacted the same way! His story is definitely a good case of why disclosing is not a good idea! The pain and confusion that results is not worth it!
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed. Living la Vida (super) LC.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

MrSpock
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by MrSpock »

L-F wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 6:55 pm
The point is, let her live her life. She is entitled to her feelings.
Exactly. Which is precisely what I said. I'll give her whatever distance she needs.

How that makes me feel, or how much I do or don't understand her need for the distance, is all just a conversation we're having here. But "out there", in the class, none of this prevents me from doing the right thing, which is, to repeat my own words earlier before: "live her the hell alone"

MrSpock
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by MrSpock »

WishMagick wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:02 pm
His story is definitely a good case of why disclosing is not a good idea! The pain and confusion that results is not worth it!
I often like to say that "the only single thing we can all agree on, is that we cannot all agree on one single thing".

But now I think I'll add "disclosure to LO is a bad idea" as the second single thing :))

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WishMagick
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by WishMagick »

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:14 pm
WishMagick wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:02 pm
His story is definitely a good case of why disclosing is not a good idea! The pain and confusion that results is not worth it!
I often like to say that "the only single thing we can all agree on, is that we cannot all agree on one single thing".

But now I think I'll add "disclosure to LO is a bad idea" as the second single thing :))
Well, the thing is, if I disclosed, I'd want to go into some kind of detail. I wouldn't describe everything I'm feeling because that would scare any normal person, I think (someone who wasn't limerent), but I wouldn't want to be misunderstood. I worry about being too vague, because then the person can just spin it however they want! I mean, people do that anyway, but I like to minimize the amount that they can do that! lol!

I'm very idealistic. Can you tell?!? lol
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed. Living la Vida (super) LC.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

mamasita
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by mamasita »

WishMagick wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:20 pm
MrSpock wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:14 pm
WishMagick wrote:
Wed Mar 11, 2020 7:02 pm
His story is definitely a good case of why disclosing is not a good idea! The pain and confusion that results is not worth it!
I often like to say that "the only single thing we can all agree on, is that we cannot all agree on one single thing".

But now I think I'll add "disclosure to LO is a bad idea" as the second single thing :))
Well, the thing is, if I disclosed, I'd want to go into some kind of detail. I wouldn't describe everything I'm feeling because that would scare any normal person, I think (someone who wasn't limerent), but I wouldn't want to be misunderstood. I worry about being too vague, because then the person can just spin it however they want! I mean, people do that anyway, but I like to minimize the amount that they can do that! lol!

I'm very idealistic. Can you tell?!? lol
Let me tell you, I rehearsed my disclosure for months! And months and months and months! And it went exactly as I'd hoped, except for the end of the conversation, where he told me that he couldn't get vertical with me. :(( :))
I didn't tell him I was limerent, I told him I had a crush on him. I just wanted to experience him one good time. I wouldn't tell. Just between us. I stroked his hand, cupped his face and kissed him, and gazed happily into his eyes. ;;)
I didn't want to be too overbearing, too aggressive, to vague, too critical of my DH...I thought it all out.
In the end, I wanted to be exactly who I thought he would want me to be.
But I didn't know what he needed. I assumed. I had idealized him for so long that I really believed I knew him, and knew what he would do, want and say.
Limerence makes us delusional. We turn normal conversations and interactions into much more.
And even though I thought I was being totally "real" and honest, fast forward a couple of years and I realize I was full of shyt. I not only wanted him, but I cried for him. I was desperate for him to reciprocate. Playing it cool on the outside and screaming for his love within. I was in complete denial. We generally disclose to feel reciprocation and to consummate our desired relationship. No real good can come of it, except now LO avoids me to prevent triggering that love monster that came at him a couple years ago. x_x I wish I didn't ruin the fun part of whatever relationship we once had.

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WishMagick
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Re: Why do you like your LO?

Post by WishMagick »

Yeah. I actually don't think a disclosure would go the way I planned.

I have never had an immediate reciprocation to any of my disclosures. Why would I think it would be different this time? lol
I don't think my LO would reciprocate. At least...not at this point in time.

I have a new strategy:

Get to know him for who he REALLY is - and encourage myself to actually LOVE him. I mean, real, unselfish love.
Then I can let him go. Finally.

Because when you truly love someone, you can let them go @};-

All that happened with LO #1. I grew to actually love him, and at the same time, myself too, because he used me. I loved myself enough to stop letting him do that. And I began to love him from afar. Nothing has changed. I still love him and wish him well. I haven't spoken to him in a decade. I still think about him and hope that he is happy.
I'm Married - with two children
LO is married - with two children
(He lives next door) Partially disclosed. Living la Vida (super) LC.

I'm a SAHM and indie musician. "My unyielding melancholy brings all the existentialists to the yard"

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