:((

[Watchmaker]

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Been feeling like a bad person. I want to confess something, but so afraid of rejection and judgment here (even though there is so much acceptance and understanding on this forum). But I think I may have emotionally assaulted my LO. When I recently took a mean spirited and immature measure which was essentially my passive aggressive way to say FU to LO a few weeks ago, her reaction was so 'over the top' that it was as if she was defending herself from being raped. Just recently it hit me... I've been googling about emotional rape. While the majority of articles and blogs I've read, I've concluded 'no I don't think what I did was ER'... there was a minority of things I read where I think perhaps it was effectively ER that I may be guilty of.

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. What I did to LO was completely antithetical to how I previously adored her. And it's just not who I am as a person... that's not me. But who/what have I become this year? I do know that I'm definitely PTSD/cPTSD the last 7 years... also in recent study and research, I have been identifying a bit with DPD (for sure) and BPD (wondering). Perhaps my counselors can help shed some light and identify some things. But never in my life have I had such self loathing and self hatred. After a few weeks of extreme hypervigilence and anger, I'm back to brokenness and crying/weeping spells.

I simply cannot get over her yet. Filled with such regret, such longing, such confusion, such guilt and shame, such pain and sorrow, such (insert unnamed/unidentifiable thought or feeling here)...

I am the most depressed I have ever been in my whole life. I wish more than anything i could go back in time and have not taken this ER action against LO. I don't think I have ever regretted something so hard in my whole life. I have daily crying spells (usually in the mornings)... I have taken to curling up on the couch and reading online stuff... unengaged/unavailable in some ways to SO and DD (but not altogether)... Back to not eating as much... Back to smoking and drinking... Unmotivated... Only a few weeks into ssri, so we'll see if that may help.

I have had some severe rebukes of late, and starting to see it was right and needed for me:

• A mutual friend of LO had for weeks been trying to get through to me and tell me the score, and tell me the reality that LO was 'terrified' of me. I just couldn't quite hear and see what I needed to hear and see in a timely fashion. Recently speaking with that mutual friend again - for the first time after what I hesitate to call the ER event - she said the passive aggressive action I took further 'traumatized' LO, who was already 'traumatized' See, I'm still putting quotes around terrified and traumatized. From my perspective, I had reasons and explanations behind my thoughts, feelings and actions. But I've now been able to more consider LO's perspective, and I think I get it more now, and I am feeling like the worst person on the planet some days.

• My father recently went to a place he only goes with me like once every 5-10 years, and got in my face and flexed on me - yelling at me for being so negative, negative, negative... told me I am rejecting myself... told me I have a critical spirit, and that's why I'm losing friends. So now I haven't been speaking with him for some weeks (we live a mile and apart and are HEAVILY involved doing life together, so a few weeks without talking is a big deal, in our family's culture).

• Also, my life coach has stepped up more with stern counsel, holding me accountable to not further make things worse or escalate... making sure I don't do anything else stupid... violate NC... or try to engage... or even apologize at this time.

I considered deleting all my old posts and never coming back here again. Maybe it's because some of the 'tough love' and 'hard truths' I've gotten here struck a chord. Mrspock, LF, NDD and others - I want to thank you for the tough love and hard truths. I am choking up and crying as I write this. I am sorry for being angry and defensive on this forum... and even offensive. I just hope the forum will still have some love, mercy and forgiveness for me, now that I'm confessing that I think I may have committed ER against LO.

Please be kind and gentle. Please don't judge. I already feel punished enough. I can't bear the thought that I was someone's emotional rap ist

I really hope that's not what I did. May God have mercy on my soul!




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[JupiterTaco]

Hey WM. You're taking some accountability which is part of what is considered a big deal around here. I'm happy for that. Otherwise the answer is that it's going to take time to move forward in your situation, there are no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Be sure to be kind to yourself as you're hurting too. Treat yourself regularly. Which may include no longer communicating with neighbors about your LO. You got to hear what you needed to hear, now the only thing that happens when you keep discussing it with them is that it gets back to her. I hope this helps.

[Maddie]

WM,

You have been under extreme stress for a long time it seems. Cut yourself a break for what you said to her. It's tricky making amends to LOs. for example, in my case, I may apologize for even getting involved with him after I broke NC. but that's it. I have to walk away...so do you. it's time to turn the focus back to ourselves. I have been awakened, realizing that I spend NO time in quiet reflection to just sit with me. I was drawn to LO bc he gave me undivided attention. that's the one thing I wasn't doing for myself. Can you figure out what she gave you thst you could give yourself?

I go to therapy too. I have a lot of trauma like most of us. I have other addiction issues to face so that I can live. I have no more time to spend with him! I've wasted too much.

we have a long road ahead. keep up the fight, WM.

and JT, that signature rocks!

[L-F]

Move forward WM. Healing thru limerence isn't painless that's for sure.

When you think about it, projecting our desires onto LO is a form of ER, imo. Emotionally raping them to fill an emotional void. Idk, lots of hypotheses out there.

[L-F]

Your first sentence reminded me of the following...

"As children, we can’t distinguish our feelings and our “self.” We think we are our feelings. If our feelings aren’t treated as acceptable in a certain situation, we may decide that we aren’t acceptable."

http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=89&t=6270

[Bridget]

WM, glad you're focusing on your own behavior. I don't know anything about ER and really don't want to, but I'm glad you are holding yourself accountable for what you did. Thank good for people who will call us on our crap!

So you behaved badly. Sit in it the shittiness of it for awhile, recognize the difference between how you've acted and who you want to be, and use this as an opportunity to start fresh, scoured of the fantasies and delusions you'd been living/reveling/hiding in.

[L-F]

Just think of emotional vampires. They do it all.the.time. And most of us have encountered emotional vampires.

Besides I don't think its a conscious thing. "Oh I'm going to emotionally rape him/her/them". No. Its not like that at all. In my view it sits at the unconscious level. I'm not diminishing the impact of it. It has a real impact on our psyche. At the same time, its not like we purposely go around doing it - unless you are an extremely aware sociopath.

As David's signature states: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." C.G. Jung

[NoDayDreaming]

love, mercy and forgiveness for you? you got it, man. we're not perfect, and you need to forgive yourself, too.

[Ivanhoe]

If you want my two cents:
1) don’t ever talk about this to anyone (except here). Doing so will only prolong the pain to you and others. It also is a form of seeking absolution from people who can’t give it. You have to learn to accept that you did whatever it is that you did, determine you won’t do it again, and forgive yourself (eventually) by understanding it was driven by unconscious need (.neediness) from you childhood. Your LO had very little to do with it except as a trigger to YOU.

2) whatever you did almost certainly caused no permanent damage (except to you if you let it). People don’t think about other people that much (note how staggeringly self-interested you were for example) and if you go no contact you will likely cause no more harm beyond the little harm you did. We limerents waaay over-exaggerate EVERYTHING.

3) look up David’s thoughts on Red Pill, and attachment theory for understanding what is causing your pain. Check out modern stoicism for dealing with day-to-day life in a way that will make you strong in order to deal with it.

4). Good luck!

[L-F]

2) whatever you did almost certainly caused no permanent damage (except to you if you let it). People don’t think about other people that much (note how staggeringly self-interested you were for example) and if you go no contact you will likely cause no more harm beyond the little harm you did. We limerents waaay over-exaggerate EVERYTHING.

That's true though ER is a thing. Not the term I'd use for the thing, but its still a thing. I'm sure there has to be a better term for it. Actually I just googled it and can't find the origins of it. And the articles are way more harsh than I remember when I first read about it.

Yea, umm, its nothing like I thought it was, though I do suspect there is a spectrum?


Anyway WM. NC is the best option.