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1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. Or maybe life is never the same after limerence. Read how others have coped with limerence in the longer term. Please feel free to post your own accounts of journeying through limerence.
Acrobatica
Posts: 549
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Acrobatica » Thu Oct 31, 2019 6:33 pm

1 year ago today. Halloween night.

1 year ago I told SO during marriage counseling that I was deeply unhappy with our marriage, that I found it difficult to be around him, and that I had been avoiding sex for over 6 months at this point because of these feelings.

I also said I really wanted to work things out and that I felt like if we could have just one pleasant conversation that was not about accusations of how selfish I was, what a terrible mother I was, and was not about him fixing me and me accepting blame and responsibility for everything that had gone wrong with our marriage, perhaps I could find my way to better feelings.

We agreed, during MC, to have a pleasant night following our tradition of decorating the house, sitting on the porch with a decent meal and a glass of wine, and handing out candy to the trick or treaters. No fighting or discussing problems.

I come home. Make a nice dinner, and bring it out to SO on the porch. I sit down next to him and ask him about his day. The very first thing he says to me is, I really really need to have sex tonight.

I abruptly picked up my plate, got in my car, and drove to the park, where I ate my dinner by myself, in tears.

Acrobatica
Posts: 549
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Acrobatica » Thu Oct 31, 2019 7:15 pm

And I just asked in another thread. What does LO represent to you? What do you want LO to give you that you are not giving yourself?

And here is where I am. Last year, LO represented an escape from domesticity. My fantasy was traveling and touring with him. Which I did a lot of, and have continued to do. We are opening our first professional self produced full length circus show tomorrow night. And I’m hella proud and grateful for all my peeps. I gave up control, let them lead. And it’s been wonderful, and challenging, and illuminating.

But we have Halloween off. And my fantasy right now is to sit on the porch, with a glass of wine, and a nice man, and hand out candy to kids. And then go in and watch a movie. Total domesticity. Quiet, alone together time.

And I found a very new guy to do this with and we’ll see how that goes. Too new to put any deep emotions into it. I have the opportunity to go to a wild Halloween party with my wilder circus pals. But what I really want is that quiet easy solitude.

And I realize that this is what the current NOT an LO, but real interrupted by life relationship with limerent- like qualities stands for. That quiet easy alone time. Which is why I don’t want to call it an LE. Because I think this is something closer to real. Not a distraction. Not an escape. But peace and easiness. And this is what I’m striving to give myself right now.

Acrobatica
Posts: 549
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Acrobatica » Fri Nov 01, 2019 4:37 pm

And trying to recreate domesticity was a total bust. I should have gone to the party.

Everything he did reminded me of my ex. Talked about himself all night. Didn’t ask me a single question. Got up to do something when I started talking. We are only two weeks in. We had a fantastic first date. It should not go this bad this quick.

Writing this down so loneliness does not tempt me back.

As a limerent lover of narcs, I am trying to keep that awareness so open. I am trying to pay attention to when I start making excuses for other people when I feel that feeling of wanting to be heard and seen. I start to question whether I really am too much. But I reflect on the evening and think, I only talked about myself for about two minutes. During which he left the room.

Limerent dating adventures. They boil down to. . . Pay attention. Stop worrying whether he likes me. Start feeling whether I like him.

Oh. And texted NOT an LO twice this morning to make myself feel better. He responded immediately and kindly, but with boundaries. Sometimes I think it’s good I have this NOT an LE while trying to date, so I don’t get too focused on whoever I am currently seeing.
Last edited by Acrobatica on Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Idiotic
Posts: 1786
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Idiotic » Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:44 pm

Lol sorry don't mean to be rude , but It was quite funny. The 10 hr gap messages. The reversal.
Did you jinx it by wanting it ?? I don't mean it very seriously of course. Just chatting...
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Acrobatica
Posts: 549
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Acrobatica » Fri Nov 01, 2019 7:53 pm

I wonder the same thing. Did I jinx it? But I think no. I think in refusing to put emotion there, I already understood the jig was up.

I think the difficult part is trusting my own emotions that things are off when I so want to be in a relationship.

Ivanhoe
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Location: Southwest US
Gender:
Age: 67
United States of America

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Ivanhoe » Sat Nov 02, 2019 3:57 pm

Sorry to hear about this. Hope all (otherwise) is going well.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Acrobatica
Posts: 549
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Acrobatica » Sat Nov 02, 2019 4:22 pm

Ivanhoe! I hope all is well with you too!

On balance life is good. I have friends, a good relationship with my kids, and am finally starting to understand that I am a desirable person in the dating world, and thus, can afford to be choosy.

Something though is drawing me back to this site, and I can’t quite figure out what. So I am writing what is on my mind. I think it is an absence. Or the hole we are all trying to fill. Something has irritated my attachment wound. And I need to quell it. But first I need to put my finger on what it is.

Acrobatica
Posts: 549
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Acrobatica » Sun Nov 03, 2019 5:38 pm

As I just wrote. Something has been drawing me back to this site. I am not sure what. But I don't think it is coming from a healthy place. I feel like I come here when I have a hole to fill. Last night I found myself fondly thinking of LO, and I thought to myself, what the hell? That has not happened for probably a year. (Thought of LO, but not fondly. And haven't really thought about LO all that much for the past six months.)

One theory is the theory of anniversaries. It was this time last year that I truly realized that my marriage was broken. So as dates come up, like Halloween, I am remembering.

One theory is the theory of performances. Just performed a new show last night, and it was wonderful. We remounted the acro performance about unrequited love, but, since I was in too many other things, a new girl substituted in for me. And there was something so beautiful about watching the performance from the outside. My kids came, and had a great time. And, of course, my ex-H did not come, and I did not have to worry about him coming, or seeking his approval. And that felt freeing, but also sad. Like, look PROOF, he never cared for you or what you did at all. Last year this time, while in the midst of marriage counseling, ex-H did not come to a dance performance I choreographed and performed in. The 10 people in my dance crew all had their friends and families out to see it. One of the dance crew proposed to another after the performance. It was a beautiful moment. And I had no one there. I cried, sobbed, wailed alone in my car all day and for hours after the performance. I felt so guilty, like he was punishing me for not being home with the kids, and out cavorting with dangerous friends. But my T said to me, "that does not sound like the behavior or someone who wants to save the marriage." And that was a light-bulb moment.

I am reading about some of you post-marriage, and you actually have had discussions with your spouses. We have not had a single personal conversation since I left. And if I think about it at least a year or two before I left. We had one date, last December, before I left, which was supposed to be a pleasant evening out. Ex-H took me to an Italian restaurant. I am allergic to wheat and the one ethnic food I cannot eat is Italian. Everything is either bread, breaded, or pasta. Ex-H of all people, knew I can't eat Italian food. I told him to choose the restaurant, and that is what he chose. At the time, I tried to forgive him and think, oh this is just a mistake.

And I guess another theory is finding out about the rumors of ex-H having an affair. It just makes everything make sense. He couldn't deal with anything being his fault or not being the victim. And so he turned me into a perpetrator. My T kept saying, do not be surprised if you find out he is cheating. Or, are you worried about infidelity on his end? And I kept saying, no, ex-H would never do that. I never worry about that. At our last session, I asked her? When did you know? Have you just been waiting patiently for this to come out? She said, I never knew anything. I have just heard a lot of similar stories from people, and infidelity is often involved.

I had a guy I just met come to this performance. It was so important to me that I have someone there who was interested in me romantically. I am almost crying as I write this. (And if any of you are keeping track, yes, I am dating several people at once right now. Not purposefully. Just a bunch of things happened to happen at once.) And when this guy I barely knew showed up, and then hung with me and my friends afterwards. I was so touched. But I also realized, for now, at least, he is just a place-filler for me. I wanted a person who was mine to see me perform. To see what me and my friends created. To see what I think of as the inner crazy me. (We all created our own characters. I was an old-hag that sucked vitality out of unsuspecting people by sniffing them, and could restore my youth by killing them. At the end, I killed the main character, became young, and had one of my acro guys carry me out of the room in high bird (the Dirty Dancing move) while I cackled. Evil triumphs.) But I realized, it was not really about him. It was about me needing someone to see me and understand me. And somehow all the other people in the production who are bunch of strong imposing women, my duo partner, my two guy acro-partners, and a sold-out audience both nights was not enough.

And I think about the nature of performance for me. I have been performing regularly since I was 12. I'm now 47. It was always an outlet. It was always a time that I felt free to be the most version of myself. Now I am in the incredible place of getting to create roles just for me and living out my fantasies and fears on-stage in front of other people while also getting the incredible adrenaline rush of executing death-defying feats of athleticism. And this is what ex-H rejected. And this is what my mother was always competing with. (For god fucking sake, my mother is over 70 years old and before I cut off contact with her, she tried to tell me she was in better shape, and tried to tell me that her gym work-outs were equal to my circus work-outs. She would also tell me she was so proud of me and brag about me to her friends, but then show pictures or videos of me when I was first starting, pictures that would actively make me cringe. I used to tell myself she just didn't know any better, but now, like ex-H, I think she was actively trying to take me down a peg or hurt me. She recently got through to my FB page, she friended me under a fake name, and since it was just after a performance and I had a bunch of friend requests at once, I didn't look closely. Even though my FB page is filled with shows and performances and things I am proud of, she chose to comment on a picture from another friend's classical music show, with just my name. And when that upset me, I realized, even after nearly three years of NC because I know that she will never do anything but compete with me, she is either sicker, in more pain, fitter, a better athlete, smarter, stupider, basically whatever I say she was more, I was still seeking her fucking validation. So maybe everything in these parentheses is the real thing?)

Idiotic
Posts: 1786
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Idiotic » Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:25 pm

Acrobatica wrote:
Sun Nov 03, 2019 5:38 pm
As I just wrote. Something has been drawing me back to this site. I am not sure what. But I don't think it is coming from a healthy place. I feel like I come here when I have a hole to fill.
I feel I frequent this site a lot, when I have to get something off my chest or to communicate a feeling to someone, anyone , but there isn't anyone in my real to whom I can talk about it.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

Idiotic
Posts: 1786
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: 1 year ago. Marriage breakdown.

Post by Idiotic » Sun Nov 03, 2019 8:29 pm

I don't think we can ever be over our parents, not a 100% anyway.Theyre like kryptonite. Best to just accept it.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

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