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How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

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Guest

How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Mon Aug 19, 2019 12:36 am

Hello all,

I have limerence for a person with whom I should only have a professional relationship. This has been a problem for me for a long time. I'm sick of the highs, the lows, and everything in between. There has been reciprocation, although I've always had suspicions that it was phony. Why? Because I hold the purse strings. And also other reasons.

I really care about my LO, but I want to end the "friendship." Due to our work, we are in contact every day, so no contact is impossible. I've tried breaking off non-work related contact for a few days, or even waiting to respond to emails, but my LO always gets upset. I don't want to hurt anybody. But I'm at the point where I need to give myself some self-care. I've hit rock bottom and it's time for rehab. I think no contact is the only way.

So how do I tell someone nicely to back off? I don't want to say too much to my LO about my mental state, but I also want to reassure my LO that it won't affect our professional relationship.

Thank you all!

Pattihopeful
Posts: 667
Joined: Wed Oct 17, 2018 1:18 pm
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Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Pattihopeful » Mon Aug 19, 2019 3:51 am

Do they know how you feel? Are you their boss? It might make a difference how you approach this. My LO is my boss. Makes it hard for sure.

Limberman

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Limberman » Mon Aug 19, 2019 9:39 am

Hello,

My LO was a colleague but she has moved to a different team and location now. I still consider her a friend and I would hate to lose that friendship ( and like you I don't want to hurt anyone). Have you considered whether friendship is possible for you both.

With my LO I have a small suspicion that she may also be limerent for me but I can't be sure! After all the limerence condition make us.give ourselves any hope we can muster in our minds.

You mentioned that there may be reciprocation from your LO. If you are friends, what about having a really Frank and open discussion. Don't expect anything to happen romantically but perhaps you could help each other? If you are truly friends that care for each other I would hope that is possible.

Limberman

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Limberman » Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:44 am

I would add that if your LO cares about you as a friend then if you tell him/her that you need some time and space away from LO they hopefully will understand and give that to you.

On whether of not to tell LO about your mental state and limerence... That is a tricky one. If they are a true and caring friend I would be tempted to discuss it with them. Are they the type that will keep your discussions confidential if you asked them?

I am in a similar situation. I hope that you and your LO can continue to be friends whilst getting you space to sort yourself out as well. Good luck.

Cookie
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Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Cookie » Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:19 pm

There doesn't need to be an explanation...you just minimize contact and drift away, then hopefully cut contact off completely.

It seems right that we would stay friends with them, doesn't it? Especially when the limerence is or may be mutual.

But in my experience, it doesn't work. There will always be the roller coaster that you describe, for the deep-seated reasons that brought you together in the first place.

Be honest with yourself about the real reasons you feel the need to tell them to "back off." If you wanted to end it, you would just end it -- by not replying or engaging with them beyond the minimum work requirements.
Person

Guest

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:20 pm

Thanks for your responses.

My LO is a vendor to my company. We are the same age, same education/profession, and have similar upbringings/back-stories. We "get" each other and seem to have so many things in common, but enough not in common to keep things interesting. But, again, since my LO has something to sell to me, and I have something to buy, I can't help but feel guarded. I'm not a sucker. I'm a jaded person and I know how "salespeople" work.

I would love nothing more than to be friends, close friends, but friends don't overanalyze conversations through the "limerence filter." Friends don't play games and wonder whether or not they're being used. Friends don't hold back thoughts and feelings. I think the only way we could truly be friends is if my LO said "don't send any more work to me" or I suddenly lost all sexual/romantic attraction, but neither of those things is ever going to happen.

I don't think men and women can be just friends if there is an undercurrent of sexual desire. I also think it's impossible to be genuine friends when one is constantly suspicious of an ulterior motive. My LO can be very manipulative and cruel to others.

It's just making me miserable (and my LO is probably miserable too, for whatever reason, having to manage me).

So I think I've decided now, no friendship is the only way to go.

Angel
Posts: 181
Joined: Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:52 pm
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Angel » Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:29 pm

Limberman wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:44 am
I would add that if your LO cares about you as a friend then if you tell him/her that you need some time and space away from LO they hopefully will understand and give that to you.

On whether of not to tell LO about your mental state and limerence... That is a tricky one. If they are a true and caring friend I would be tempted to discuss it with them. Are they the type that will keep your discussions confidential if you asked them?
My experience - I called my LO my best friend for the last 2-3 years. I was his LO for the last 3 years and we chatted all the time. I had no idea that his feelings were deeper. But he disclosed at the start of the summer, and I realized I reciprocated, but since we were both married, I knew I had to stop our EA. When I tried to bring it up, multiple times, the intensity of his communications to me just heightened.

I asked for full NC a couple weeks ago when I resolved to tell my SO and work on my marriage. LO hasn’t stopped trying to contact me. We were really good friends, but at this point, I have to let the friendship go and I’ve blocked him on all platforms.

Guest

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Guest » Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:37 pm

Hi Cookie,

If our relationship was casual and superficial, it would be easy to "ghost." I've done it before to other people. But, in this case, it feels wrong, disrespectful, and rude. I wouldn't want my LO to think that the relationship is/was meaningless to me or that I'm upset (or that my LO did something wrong). I also think that it's far too easy to keep falling in to the same trap over and over again. We tend to do this "backing off" naturally, then something happens, we have a good conversation, and I'm back to square one. I want to prevent that from happening again.

It's a bad situation, but I don't believe that being rude to someone I consider to be my beshert is appropriate.

Limberman

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Limberman » Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:57 pm

Angel wrote:
> [quote=Limberman post_id=60954 time=1566211466]
> I would add that if your LO cares about you as a friend then if you tell
> him/her that you need some time and space away from LO they hopefully will
> understand and give that to you.
>
> On whether of not to tell LO about your mental state and limerence... That
> is a tricky one. If they are a true and caring friend I would be tempted to
> discuss it with them. Are they the type that will keep your discussions
> confidential if you asked them?
> [/quote]
>
> My experience - I called my LO my best friend for the last 2-3 years. I
> was his LO for the last 3 years and we chatted all the time. I had no idea
> that his feelings were deeper. But he disclosed at the start of the
> summer, and I realized I reciprocated, but since we were both married, I
> knew I had to stop our EA. When I tried to bring it up, multiple times, the
> intensity of his communications to me just heightened.
>
> I asked for full NC a couple weeks ago when I resolved to tell my SO and
> work on my marriage. LO hasn’t stopped trying to contact me. We were
> really good friends, but at this point, I have to let the friendship go and
> I’ve blocked him on all platforms.


Oh that is not how I want to end up with my LO. Certainly do not wish to block her or for her to block me from any form of communications. Even if it was NC I would hope that we could leave each other on good terms. I would still want her to know that we are friends and if really needed I am available! Perhaps some time far in to the distant future when we are sure limerence has gone then we connect and continue the friendship.

Cookie
Posts: 716
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm
United States of America

Re: How to tell LO you don't want to be friends anymore?

Post by Cookie » Mon Aug 19, 2019 5:14 pm

Guest wrote:
Mon Aug 19, 2019 4:37 pm
Hi Cookie,

If our relationship was casual and superficial, it would be easy to "ghost." I've done it before to other people. But, in this case, it feels wrong, disrespectful, and rude. I wouldn't want my LO to think that the relationship is/was meaningless to me or that I'm upset (or that my LO did something wrong). I also think that it's far too easy to keep falling in to the same trap over and over again. We tend to do this "backing off" naturally, then something happens, we have a good conversation, and I'm back to square one. I want to prevent that from happening again.

It's a bad situation, but I don't believe that being rude to someone I consider to be my beshert is appropriate.
Your comment here is very telling to me: "I wouldn't want my LO to think that the relationship is/was meaningless to me or that I'm upset (or that my LO did something wrong)." Because your opening post talks about "rock bottom" and "rehab." Do you see the cognitive dissonance here?

Ask yourself why you are putting THEIR feelings and needs above your own.

And as most of us on here do, you are projecting a much deeper relationship than what likely exists. You wouldn't want them to think it's meaningless because YOU don't want to accept that it is. Keeping you hooked into being interested in them isn't the same thing as caring for you. You can write this narrative however you want for however long you want...but in the end, this is already a ghost.

I should note, my LOs have all reciprocated -- verbally, physically, and everything in between. I have heard promises of true love, soulmate, let's run away together, blah blah blah. So wow, yeah...I'd hate to be rude and defriend a person who was so "close" to me. But that special connection was fake. And mostly in our heads to fill whatever void we were feeling at the time.

I'm sorry to be blunt, Guest, but friendships with LOs rarely if ever work. I have yet to read a good outcome on here in that regard. Dysfunction brought you together. That is your bond. For as long as you choose to keep it.

There's a reason you don't feel well.
Person

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